tired

i tried to think of a fun topic to write about tonight. but i couldn't think of anything.

my brain feels like mush. i'd really like to call out tomorrow- but i have so many people coming in, and they needs meds. and i'd just feel irresponsible. but i don't know how much longer i can go on at this pace. there are just too many clients and too much work. i am drowning in it.

i didn't get a ton of sleep last night. as predicted, i don't sleep my best in new places. but it was really nice to be there anyway. except now i'm exhausted and i feel like if i don't go to bed immediately i may die. i probably should have been in bed by now, but i am continually adding music to my itouch. and i had to check the weather and do a lot of other mundane things to avoid thinking about anything too much.

i am even going to skip reading. and just go straight to bed.
i'm hoping tomorrow i can see audria and the babies for a little bit before meeting colin for an outdoor movie at penn's landing. audria doesn't know this yet though. hmm perhaps an email is in order...it's always nice to let people in on your plans, when they are in fact part of the plan. correct?

weird day.

today has been such a weird day.

i had a really weird dream last night. i can't remember it all, but it entailed me being in a support group with a bunch of girls- some of which i knew. i can't remember them all now- but i know that mary kate (one of my freshman year roommates) was there. caitlin might have been there too. and maybe my friend liz? i really don't remember. but i do remember that i felt weird about being in the support group. i didn't want to share. everyone was expecting me to- but i wouldn't. oh, i also think my therapist was the group facilitator. it just got weirder and weirder. i keep trying to remember more of it- it's right at the tip of my memory. but then it's gone. i don't know what the group was for. or why i wouldn't participate. but i woke up and felt very uncomfortable. like a lot of people were staring at me and i just wanted to be left alone. that's a weird way to wake up- let me tell you.

work was busy today. 8 clients in 7.5 hours. i also managed to read some of a nytimes from last thursday. there's a whooping cough outbreak in california among latino children. in case you didn't know. also, a rise in sexual assaults in haiti since the earthquake. i learn new things everyday reading the nytimes.
oh! i also got a call about a job interview! that was exciting. i haven't really had time to look for jobs this week- but i did apply to a few last week (or the week before?) and i finally got a call! the interview is mon. july 12th. the job is working at penn- sp2 (my graduate school). but i don't want to say too much about it. because a) i don't really know much about the job yet. and b) i don't want to jinx it. so i'll just leave it at that.

Then. after work, i spoke to a lot of people- caught up with matt, auntie mo, and my mom (well, i talk to my mom all the time so i don't know if i can say we 'caught up'). and i came to exton. where i am currently typing on colin's computer (it's a mac, thank goodness).
this is my first mid-week sleepover. and i feel weird about it. like i'm going to miss something at home (ummm no. there is nothing to miss. but that's how i feel). it's just kind of weird. he is great, and we are having fun. i just don't know how well i'm going to be able to sleep. it always takes me a little while to get comfortable sleeping somewhere new.
oh, and his apartment is a total 24 year old boy's apartment.

weird day. between waking up and going to bed- a whole range of activities and emotions occurred. i probably just need to just let it go and relax. but we'll see how well i can do that.

Day 81

it's sunday night. a day of reflection, if you will. so i'm going to take this time to say that today is day 81 of my 90 in 90 project.
81.

how fucking crazy is that?!
in the grand scheme of things 90 days is not a very long time in my life. but i actually feel like i've been learning and doing a lot in the past 81 days. and i have 9 more days of contractual blogging/gyming to complete the project.

so what do i want to do in the next 9 days?

well, i'm going to go to the gym a few times this week. my weekends have been busy lately so i have to find time during the week. hopefully i'll go see audria and the babies at some point.
i'm hanging out with colin on friday, and going up to new york saturday-monday.
i would like to try and blog some more- in more of the 'writing exercise' variety. i feel like a lot of my posts have been short and to the point lately. i haven't written about anything in particular. which is ok, but i want to try and do some more productive writing. i may just do that in a journal for myself. i haven't decided yet.
i'm also thinking about what i want to do once my 90 in 90 is over! should i take up running? look into a class or something i might find interesting? sit back and relax for the rest of summer? i won't give up going to the gym. or blogging, actually. i just won't feel obligated to do one or both at least once a day. which means probably fewer late night posts and perhaps a little more sleep for me.

speaking of- this weekend- while katie, andy and i didn't do much, per-say, i am exhausted. taking care of a baby is hard. so i'm going to go pass out now, and be grateful that i live alone and only have to take care of myself and gizmo.

molly molly munchkin pie

it is kind of an amazing feeling to hold a little baby and have her fall asleep in your arms.
it is also rather exhausting.
i've only been staying with katie and andy for the weekend- and molly isn't even my baby- yet i am tired from helping to take care of her. i'm trying to be a help. i've changed her, i hold her, i rock her to sleep. we're old pros at napping together, me and molly. i'm just trying to do anything that helps katie out for a little while. its a drop in the bucket, but it's something.

and she is amazing. sure, she cries and can be fussy. but that's all babies. she is also smiley, inquisitive and squirmy. she loves being rocked- like really rocked. she likes constant motion. so we've done many laps around the house, danced around to some janet jackson. and just swayed back and forth. back and forth. she is warm and gooey and delicious. i just want to eat her up- molly molly munchkin pie.
she has katie's mouth, and maybe her eyes. i also believe that she has katie's chin- but katie doesn't seem convinced. she appears to have andy's nose, and his ears. still no word on what the final eye or hair colors will be. right now the eyes are a grayish blue. the hair could be a strawberry blonde. it could also go brunette.

yesterday, when i was standing in the living room holding molly, i was rocking her and talking to katie and andy. and we were talking about college, and i was struck with the notion that when i met katie- 10 years ago this fall, i never thought about the day i would arrive at her house and hold her baby. its not like i never thought she would have a baby, i just think that back then i wasn't thinking this far ahead. it seemed like such a distant future that i never imagined it in detail. and yet here i am. i walked in yesterday and said 'hand her over', so excited to meet this little munchkin. so far she is living up to expectations. i don't mind her crying. i love it when she smiles. so far she's been nice and has spit up pointed away from me. she's been very hospitable.

katie and andy are great parents. they are trying to be realistic. they don't make it look like sunshine and rainbows. i appreciate that honesty. i wish i could be of more help, or be able to offer any good advice- but what the hell do i know.
so instead i hold molly. we rock back and forth. we give katie time to shower. andy time to read the economist. we bond. me and molly.
molly molly munchkin pie.

babytown

after work today i finally went to audria's house to meet the babies raff. claire and ben. and oh my god are they amazing. they're just under two weeks old, and they're so cute i can hardly stand it. i found an immediate bond with claire, who i held for almost the entire time i was there. she is just under six pounds. she's all red and wrinkly. she slept most of the time, but when she was awake, we made a real connection. i half sang/hummed some billy joel tunes to her. she liked it. i kept her really warm with my body heat, because its so freaking hot outside i'm sure she felt like she was napping nestled inside of an oven.
audria looks amazing. she has a lot of energy and is her usual happy self with her two little angel babies.
and i met mrs. stubna! (that would be audria's mom, and leslie's boyfriend steve's mom) i know a lot about the stubna family, and i love them. so it was nice to meet mrs. stubna and see where it all comes from. she is super sweet and relaxed. although i feel with seven kids you have to be easy going or you'd go crazy!

anyways, i will be going back next week to spend more time with the twins. pictures to come.

plus tomorrow morning i head down to alexandria to introduce myself to molly magoun!! finally!!! its a baby-filled weekend for me, and i'm so excited!!

i cannot believe it is only wednesday.

something sad happened today. dr. ellis, the psychiatrist we have been working with for a year or so- died today. my boss called me after work to let me know. it's sad.
he was 80. and he had health problems. but we loved him just the same.
the funeral is on tuesday. sherri said we should be able to go if we want to, but i'm undecided so far on if i want to go. i know that sounds terrible, but i don't do funerals very well. i mean- who does really. no one is like 'yay a funeral! let' go!'. but i think i feel like it would be weird to go. so many people who were so important to him. and me and sherri and jake. random. i just don't know.

and now we have to tell our clients. that is not going to go well. this is going to be stressful. i know i may seem detached, because for all intensive purposes i am. but it's weird. i Knew him. i saw him once a week at work. i got him water or coffee and bothered him a million times a day on thursdays. and yet i feel reserved. i am thinking about my clients and how to tell them and how we are going to have to deal with this. and it's like i won't let myself think about it on a personal level. perhaps it's just easier that way.

fuck. i have to get up in less than 7 hours.

take me out to the ball game!

the summer seems to be flying by! it's already the end of june! i, for one, am ready for it to be not quite so hot. except i know it's only going to get worse in july and august. for those of you in philly, a heat advisory is in effect for tomorrow and thursday. it's supposed to be 100 degrees.
i wish i could call out sick and go to the movies and stay cool. instead, i will be getting up and out to go to a 'pancake breakfast' with my colleagues at an ihop on city line avenue. my boss has decided that we need to 'bond'. perhaps i'd rather go to the gym- but that's neither here nor there. i will go and bond and pretend that i'm not completely burnt out and wanting to leave. or be sleeping in. actually, who am i kidding, my colleagues know me well enough by now to know i'd rather be sleeping in. but i'll go anyway.

soooo right. back to tonight. my friend lisa invited me a while ago to a phillies game tonight- through the Collaboration, a jewish singles organization she belongs to. we went to a happy hour with them a few months ago and had an....interesting time. and i really wanted to a)hang out with lisa and b) go to a phillies game. so i was in! we had an awesome time. there will be pictures to come (i'm too tired to upload them right now). lisa always makes me laugh. and i feel like we can talk about a lot of potentially inappropriate topics and it's totally normal. so we mingled, we had a few beers (well, i was driving- so i had only one), we took in the game (they won- go phils!) the weather really turned around and was gorgeous by the end. a perfect tuesday night :)
next diana and lisa activity: live band karaoke! who's in?!

unexpected

this weekend brought some unexpected things.

firstly, i learned about drum core. a lot about drum core. and i didn't even hate it. it was fun- and entertaining!

secondly- i went to the new steven starr restaurant with mimi and jeff. el rey. it was very unassuming, and totally cool. and there wasn't even a wait! we walked right in at 7pm on a saturday. a nice surprise, and quite a difference from el vez. the food was amazing, as was my mango margarita. :) (which was followed by four rum and diet coke's- ending with a pleasantly drunk diana)

thirdly- i introduced colin to two of my friends (that would be the aforementioned mimi and jeff) and it went really well. everyone got along, we played some good rounds of erotic photo hunt. it was low key and fun, which is a really good saturday night in my book.

then today my dad surprised me by deciding that we needed to eat (as a family) at 3:30 in the afternoon. it being father's day and all, we had to do what he wanted. so off we went to a chinese restaurant. i mean, 3:30 doesn't even count as an early bird special. its before the early bird special! bizarre. but hey, the food was good. and my dad was happy. so there you go.

i think the most unexpected thing to happen this weekend was colin. (and actually i have no idea if colin reads this, if so- hey there colin). i've gone out with colin a few times in the past few weeks. he's always been fun and interesting and i've really enjoyed being around him. but i believe as of this weekend he is actually my...boyfriend. ? i mean, it's not a question. he is. it is just kind of a weird concept for me. and i feel really happy/weird/somewhat overwhelmed/mostly happy and smiling a lot about it. to people who may ask me about it in the coming days/weeks- i may be somewhat awkward talking about it- but take my word for it: this is a good thing. and i am really happy. and i think that was the most unexpected thing of all to happen this weekend. :)

a field of little drummer boys

happy friday!

i'm blogging from work (again) because its the end of the day and i don't feel like writing any more progress notes. not that i've been super productive today- but hey, at least i made it into work.

what i am about to do tonight is something i never thought i would do: i am going to a drum core concert. in allentown, pa.

what is drum core, you ask? good question. i'm not exactly sure, but it's kind of like a marching band.
why am i going, is your follow up question? well, as it turns out, colin was in the Cavaliers, one of the drum cores performing tonight. he wants me to go see them with him. i said yes, because he seemed so earnest and excited when he asked. it was endearing.
and yet, now i have to actually Go. to Allentown. and sit through three drum core performances.
is it mean to say i'm kind of scared? by the intensity of these impending performances? i feel like i'm about to experience a cheerleading competition or something. i only like those in the movies.
however, i am going to go out on a limb here, because it's something new and different. oh, and because i guess this is what people do when they are kind of sort of dating someone. show interest in things they usually would not be interested in because the other person is way into it. right? here goes nothing...

do better

today wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst either.

work was crazy. maybe a bit crazier than usual. i was able to handle it, and when i got tired and fed up at the very end, my client's five year old son came in and hugged my leg. he then gave me a small pinwheel. to keep. who can complain after something like that happens?

i came home, and did some emotional eating- but it was maoz, so i can tell myself that it's 'healthy'. honestly i was craving maoz. they have amazing hummus. seriously. its good. i even asked for 'extra hummus' in my salad box instead of their overcooked slice of eggplant. it was worth it.

i had made myself an appointment at the genius bar at the apple store in KOP mall. my ipod touch, which was a christmas present, stopped playing music through headphones. i ended up with a brand new ipod touch (it was under warranty)- which is fun. although i now have to reload it to my specifications. but i threw in a new fancy case for it. and left feeling like a rockstar. well, one with a new ipod touch anyway...

and i ended up in supervision with shirley. i realized today that i have a therapist who i pay to complain about my life. and a supervisor who i pay to complain about my job. i love both of them. i don't think i could do without them in the long run. but honestly? i do a lot of complaining. to my credit, i think i do try and make positive changes when they are suggested. and everyone needs to vent. it's just funny to think about- i'm a therapist, and i have my own entourage of people i pay to keep me going.

so what i've decided to take away from today is that i need to do better. i'm becoming increasingly unhappy at work. so i need to work harder to get a new job. i tend to do emotional things- like eating and spending money. so i need to set myself a budget and really stick to it. and i need to go start working out instead of eating emotionally. i need to do a better job of taking care of myself and setting myself up for positive things in the future. this is the only part of the plan i've developed so far. the rest (as in, the actual steps to this positive future) will have to come in time.
in the meantime i will sit and spin my pinwheel, and try and focus on the good things.

i have this memory. i'm in the back seat of my mom's car. the seats are leather. it's night time. i have no idea where we are coming from- but it doesn't matter. because this happened more than once. i am half asleep, and we're listening to 101.1 (cbsfm) on the radio. it doesn't matter what song is on, because they are all amazing.
i love oldies music. love it. i find it amazingly comforting, because it was such a presence in my life growing up. always in the car. the main dj i remember from cbsfm was 'cousin brucey'. at one point i thought we were actually related to him- because he called himself cousin. but as it turns out, we are not related.

i learned to love elvis in the back of my mom's car. franky valli. the temptations. smokey robinson (oooo smokey robinson). so many others i can't even count. i go to this music when i need a pick me up. i listen when i'm feeling good and feel like bopping around. i can basically listen to it all the time.

this probably led to my theory that everyone should go to graceland- as an 'american mecca' as i used to refer to it. well, the paul simon song 'graceland' might have also had something to do with it also. but yeah. that's a whole other story.

sooo i don't really know what my point was here. i just have been thinking a lot- about being in the back of my mom's car. that feeling of being so tired you just ache. and also feeling safe and warm, and able to fall back asleep in the back, knowing that when i wake up we'd be home and i could get into bed. i think it means i'm tired. i haven't been getting enough sleep.

so i'm gonna go work on that.

squatter

it appears that my apartment, which was gutted and redone before we bought the place, was created to only last for about three years. things have started falling apart at a ridiculous rate.

first, the washing machine breaks every six months. it is currently broken, and has been for going on three months. there is no word on when it will be fixed. this is old news.

then the stove/oven went. gas leak, led to me calling an appliance repair place- and three weeks later, me calling a second appliance repair place because the first one never called me back about the parts for my fucking stove. the second repair person is coming on wednesday morning. apparently, whoever chose the appliances for this building chose a stove range that is a random brand that few people service and apparently it is hard to get parts for. great. thanks for that contractors.

finally, i realized this morning that there is a real problem with the water pressure in my apartment. i thought it was a fluke on friday, but realized today in the shower that it is indeed a reoccuring problem. i usually have a nice shower- lots of pressure, just the way i like it. both the bathroom and kitchen sinks are low in pressure, and totally annoying. luckily, i got evelyn on the case, and she called the management company, who is sending a plumber out tomorrow to hopefully fix that right up.

WHAT THE FUCK.

at least the roof is no longer leaking. that was fixed (after three separate visits by roofers over the course of two years). but i still have not gotten around to fixing my ceiling, so it's not looking its best. plus, i haven't vacuumed in a week or two. so gizmo's hair is floating around like tumbleweeds across the desert of my floor.

this is ridiculous. i feel like i'm squatting in my own apartment because things are becoming more and more useless. thank god the cable still works.
i need to get this shit together- and fast.

lake house

this weekend was everything i needed it to be and more. the berkshires, uncle ron's house in particular- is amazing. it's right on garfield lake, in monterey (mass.).

we got there friday night and were welcomed with wine and bread and cheese and salami (!) as uncle ron set about bbq-ing fresh veggies and salmon and skirt steak. that enough was a welcome change from my more recent nights without cooking in my broken-down apartment. we continued drinking and eating and listening to music until finally we could take no more and all fell into our beds around 2am.
saturday was filled with so much fun! uncle ron and i went canoeing at 9am around the lake, and we were practically alone out there- due to the overcast/rainy weather predicted for the weekend. it was amazingly peaceful. we woke up arielle and ben, then made pancakes with fresh berries and hung out for a while as the rain came down outside. uncle ron took us to a local farm that has a bakery, where we got dessert for the evening and a ham and cheese croissant to take with us in the car for lunch. he drove us around monterey and great barrington and showed us the sights. it was adorable and i absolutely fell in love.
in the afternoon we went out on uncle ron's boat- he showed us around the lake and where his friend's lived. it was still grey out, but the lake was amazing. we decided to try water skiing- and to my amazement i made it up on the ski's! (arielle took pictures. they'll be up on facebook soon). i learned that it is one thing to get up on the ski's, and another to cross over the wake and stay up on them. i worked muscles i didnt even realize i had.
we came back and took warm showers and ben and uncle ron prepared dinner as it poured outside. arielle and i relaxed and read magazines. we had more fresh veggies, as well as seafood: tuna and divers scallops! it was so amazing my mouth is watering just remembering it. of course we had to break out the cakes for dessert as well. (i will be rolling myself to the gym tomorrow)

this morning we couldnt eat a thing until noon. we got up and hung out for a while, then went to a goat farm where we saw baby goats! and got fresh goat cheese! then headed back to gould's farm/bakery for some more ham and cheese croissants and a look at some chickens and piglets! plus hogs so large i didn't even have words when i saw them. (don't worry, we didnt eat the ham croissants in front of them- we didn't want to be rude).
all four of us went out canoeing this afternoon, before heading back to reality.

there was great food, great music, great company, fun on the lake, and an amazing house to boot! seriously- it made me realize that i need to start saving my pennies (and make more pennies to save) so i can one day have a 'country house' on a lake somewhere- and have a slice of heaven for myself.

happy trails

hello! i'm blogging (quickly) from work today before i set off on my weekend adventure to the berkshires!

uncle ron has a new fancy house on a lake up there and arielle, ben and i are going to check it out for the weekend! hurray!!! i love fun summer weekend trips! especially when they involve me leaving work early.
uncle ron has plans for us to do a lot of 'water sports'. those are in quotes because- 1. can you picture me doing water sports? and 2. its supposed to rain for most of the weekend.

so you'll have to wait until sunday and see how it all turned out.

in the meantime- thank you to autumn and aaron for allowing me to borrow your gps device for the weekend. i'm excited to try out this newfangled technology (jk, i have seen them before- but never actually had to use/follow one myself!)

see you on the flip side!

day 64

so i just looked at the calendar and counted out the days. today is june 10th, and it's also day 64 of my 90 in 90 project. i am over a third of the way there!

i thought i would take a little time to just think about that, and how i feel this far into the project.
and honestly, i feel good. i feel proud of myself. on occasion i think about going through the day without following through with this project, and it seems wrong. i don't want to let myself down.

and frankly, i think that is a huge step. this is important to me. i feel good about the fact that i have been able to stick to something for 64 whole days, just because i decided that i wanted to. it gives me hope that i can really accomplish things i put my mind to- for no other reason than because i feel like it. i mean, in some ways i did not doubt that i could do something if it was important enough. but before i always had excuses for why "fill in the blank" wasn't necessarily all that important. i feel like now i will do that less. at least, i hope i will.

i am also thinking about getting myself together in other ways. i recently went back to therapy, which has always been a good thing for me to do. i have noticed that i tend to have minor breakdowns if i am out of therapy for too long. i develop bad habits or stop taking care of myself (in small yet meaningful ways, but never like 'i can't get out of bed' or stop showering type of way) and recently i have been getting burned out at work, and burned out at life. i have stopped trying to communicate when something is wrong, or even when something is really right. it's ironic, considering it happened in the midst of me writing a blog. but it did. i realized that i have a hard time communicating my feelings to important people in my life. real, serious feelings. not like everyday ho hum feelings. real ones- like 'i'm scared' or 'i miss you' or 'i can't handle this' or 'i'm hurt' or 'you make me happy'. things people would either like to hear, or probably should hear. i keep those inside. and i think that will be my next ongoing project. becoming more open, and more comfortable talking about those feelings that currently make me squirm. i think i owe that to myself. i think it will make me better at being me.

64 days down. 26 left to go. let's see where it takes me.

ok

today has been the weirdest day.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i knew it immediately.
work was strained. i felt burnt out by 11am. luckily my afternoon was light and the end of the day arrived before i knew it. also, sherri was totally supportive today.
and i find that the universe has a way of knowing just when you have had enough. because just when i felt so tired and frustrated, i had a really good session with a client. a very interesting client. and it made me feel a little bit better.
then, my last client of the day came in and announced that she is finally starting to feel better. she leaves the house more, is trying to be more social and her depression is lifting a little day by day. and she said that she hears my voice in her head motivating her to get up and go everyday. (not in a hallucinatory way, in a normal motivational way). my voice! i swear i almost cried right there. because on days when i am irritable and feeling useless and frustrated, i am reminded of why i do what i do. and it makes all the difference.

i rounded out the day by going to see my therapist, whom i love. followed by a random trip to anthropologie- where i may have done a little retail therapy (not officially recommended as a therapeutic tool, by the way) and went to a truly delicious korean bbq restaurant for dinner with colin- who is funny and interesting and nice to be around.

and i kind of forgot the mood i was in all the way back this morning.

sunday night ramblings

it's sunday night, and i feel slightly ill. i was fighting off a cold last week, and then went to a really fun house party in manayunk last night followed by a hot day today of hung-over eating and lounging in the heat watching the philly bike race. good for the soul, bad for my attempt at healthy living.

i got back around 4 this afternoon and took the best shower ever- mainly because i felt so groddy that i couldn't wait to shower and wash away the grime. i realized i am spoiled by my central air. spending almost 24 hours in houses with window box air conditioners that were not actually in the same room as me- i mean, if i thought i was melting yesterday afternoon, i was a puddle on the floor by this afternoon.
thankfully i had nice clean towels to come home to- and i brushed my teeth and washed away all the grime.
and promptly put on my hamilton tshirt and shorts. oddly enough, it wasn't until laura called me tonight that i realized i got this very shirt a year ago at my five year reunion. i can't believe it was a year since i was back at hamilton having what was a truly random and fun weekend of memories. and yet- arielle and ben's one year anniversary was last weekend. so time does indeed fly. whether you're having fun or not. (thankfully i think this past year has been pretty fun- most of the time)

i spent tonight reading- a book that i already have mixed feelings about and i'm not even a third of the way through yet. its a 'psychological thriller' that i think at the time i bought it i thought was more of a more serious 'chick lit' novel. but it involved attempted murders and abortion clinics and failing marriages. its really...a downer. and yet i feel guilty putting it aside because i spent money on it so i feel i should read it and see how it turns out. even if i have to force myself. lesson learned. i do not like 'psychological thrillers about abortion doctors who have marital issues'. depresso.

plus i have some family stuff going on- with my grandparents down in florida and my dad acting like a bizarre one dimensional character in a bad book about 'how not to act when your parents are getting old and sick'. and i find i don't have the energy to really deal with it. lecturing my dad on how to be a better child/responsible adult is depressing. not to mention i have had to do it before, with mixed results. i feel more numb this time- like maybe if i choose not to get involved my dad will realize on his own that he needs to do better. silly diana- that is not what will happen. but perhaps i will just let arielle do all the lecturing this time.

i just feel kind of sad. which puts a damper on my fun, productive and social weekend. but hey- it's sunday night, so i should have expected as much.
here's hoping this week is fun and productive- and i can hold on to a positive outlook to carry me to next weekend when i'm venturing to uncle ron's house in the berkshires! maybe reading a more uplifting book would help...

i'm melting

oh my god. its so hot i'm melting. there is no point in wearing makeup, or even wearing clothes. (i am in fact wearing clothes...i'm just saying)

i'm blogging from the perlstein home today! autumn and aaron have graciously allowed me to take over their house while they're in orlando visiting aaron's parents. i'm catching up on laundry (towels are in the dryer as we speak) and was able to cook some pasta with veggies to stick in my fridge and take to work for lunch during the week. thank you thank you thank you for allowing me to get this stuff done!!

also- i'm watching Wall Street. i have a few things to say about it. firstly, when i was in the other room, and charlie sheen was talking- i could have sworn it was emilio estevez in the mighty ducks. i know they are brothers, so that makes sense- but i never really thought they were that similar before. charlie sheen is just so....sleazy. is this movie the beginning of his sleaziness? or was he sleazy before and that's why he works so well in this movie? it's an interesting plot. charlie sheen has a scummier melanie griffith in working girl thing going on. darryl hannah shows up as an interior decorator/girlfriend- and is responsible for one of the ugliest high-end apartments i've ever seen. even for the 80s. michael douglas plays an excellent greedy villain. i am almost looking forward to the sequel. however, i've been thinking about continuity- and i know in the second movie carey mulligan plays gordon gekko's daughter. which is all fine and good, except that in the first movie he has a son named rudy....and no daughter. how are they going to explain that? there are ten minutes left of the movie- maybe it'll explain itself. oh- charlie sheen's character is getting arrested now, and is crying like a baby. now he's getting his ass kicked by michael douglas in the park. is he wearing a wire? he totally is wearing a wire! hmm now its over. what's weird is that we never see either of the characters go to jail. it ends with charlie sheen walking into the court house. that's kind of weird.

ok wow. i did not mean for this to be a budget recap of wall street. but oh well. my life's not really that interesting right now anyway. i'm almost 60 days into this project, and going strong!

ok time for me to get my act together and head back over to my place. i'm headed to a party over in manayunk tonight which should be fun. and tomorrow i may go up to jersey city to hang out with some family and sit my the pool at my dad's apartment. you know what that means.....floppy hat!

finding comfort in the little things

when i was a kid, we lived in tudor house on forestdale road. it had three bedrooms and one full bath upstairs, although it seems looking back now that it was all kind of cramped together off of this one small hallway. the bathroom was at the top of the stairs, separating my parents bedroom from mine and my sisters. the bathroom was brown and beige- i have no idea why it was so drab. it was a pretty big bathroom too- there was a shower stall, then a space under the window and a full tub. the toilet was next to the tub, and the sink was on the wall opposite the tub, with a wall mirror and lots of counter space. i think there was a closet in there too, which i completely forgot about until just now.

i have a lot of memories of that bathroom. this sounds strange, i know. but i do. when we were little kids, we'd take baths together- sometimes with our cousin kim too! we'd play with these my little ponies that could go in the water. they had little shell houses that suction-cupped to the tub. we could brush their hair and make them swim around. we sang songs and had a grand old time, which looking back on it was totally our parents way of getting us clean without complaining. i think i was one of those kids who hated bathing. i especially hated showers, but i have fond memories of baths. i loved the feeling of relaxing in warm water, making the water splash with my every movement and watching my fingers turn to prunes. having arielle and kim in the bath was equally fun, although three little girls in a tub did tend to cause a space issue from time to time.

even when it wasn't bath time, sometimes we'd just hang out in the bathroom. i used to keep arielle company in there, sitting on the ledge of the tub or under the window talking about our day or our friends or what we were going to wear. i remember laughing in there. the sound echoing and filtering out the window to the backyard.

i also remember watching my mother put on makeup a lot. my mom had an entire cabinet to herself next to the sink for her makeup. well, she likely had other things in there- facial products, etc. but i never thought about that when i was a kid. i just knew that's where she kept her makeup. and i remember sitting on the counter or behind her on the tub and watching her put on foundation, mascara, lipstick. she'd let me play with her old lipstick tubes, which were usually thick and gold and made me feel fancy. her cabinet smelled like her perfume, which i think she kept on one of the shelves. when you opened the cabinet the smell of my mother would waft out as you looked for whatever it is you needed. Shalamar. that's the perfume she wore most of the time. i know exactly what it smells like.

i shaved my legs for the first time in that bathroom. i think i was in seventh grade. a lot of my friends at summer camp had already started shaving the summer before, and i did not want to be all hairy when my friends legs were smooth and soft. i locked the door and borrowed some of my mother's shaving cream and one of her disposable razors and got to work. i don't think i cut myself too badly, but my mother was definitely shocked when she realized what i had done. she wasn't mad though. at least, not that i can remember. i don't think we had a lot of rules about when we could shave our legs or start wearing makeup. when she noticed that I was interested in wearing it- she showed me how to do a little and not look like a clown, which was helpful.

i had a dream recently where i woke up and went to go to the bathroom, and it was that bathroom. brown and beige. it seemed natural, as though in my dream i used this bathroom everyday. and it was so weird- because we moved away from that house the fall i started high school, when i was 13. i hadn't even thought about it in years. and yet ever since that dream i think about it. i remember the smell of my mother's perfume, which i think she still wears most of the time- even though i know she has others. i don't know why it's suddenly come up, but i find it comforting to think about. memories are weird that way.