i talk to the universe sometimes, this is an established fact. i'm not sure if the universe really listens. but sometimes- on some days, i think it does.
i woke up this morning (late) and decided to take one later train than normal to work. i ate breakfast at home. i did what felt good. i was tired, but i've been tired a lot lately so that's ok. but i am trying to listen more to my life and my body and the world around me.
on my walk to the train station i put my ipod on song shuffle. and the songs seemed to speak to me. lights were turning yellow as i approached the corners, but i crossed anyway and always made it without problem. i felt like maybe i was supposed to slow down and wait, because i had time. things would be ok. my train was late (so i did actually have time), but i was still got to work at an ok time. and on the train there was this new ad that i hadn't seen before. it said "Listen. Learn. Change." and then this line about living a better life. it was an ad for Council for Relationships, (which is this group practice that has a good reputation in philadelphia- they offer individual, family, couples and probably group therapy. but i wasn't aware they did public ads on trains. anyway...) and it struck me as so...appropriate for how i've been feeling lately. which is down. but trying hard to get back up.
and today was the first day things started to feel different.
let me take you back for a second to a few weeks ago. November 10th maybe? It was a thursday. It was also a day i decided to go out on a limb and do something crazy.
for a few months now there has been a guy i see on the train sometimes, a few times a week usually. he wears adorable suits and carries an old man-looking briefcase and reads the wall street journal. he first got my attention over the summer when he was wearing seersucker. in real life. i've never been the type to go gaga over seerksucker, because i think usually it looks pretentious and silly. but i definitely did a double take. WHO WEARS SEERSUCKER IN REAL LIFE TO WORK ON A WEEKDAY? my train crush, that's who. i think over the course of a few months i complemented some of his style. his suit, his fun argyle socks. but that's the extent of our interactions. he sat next to me one day (he gets on later than i do) and i woke up from a nap and saw him there and immediately went "oh look- train crush is sitting next to me. should i talk to him?" in my head- before remembering we sit in the quiet ride car, and no one is supposed to talk. so i went to work and told my friend lizzy about it and she said "you never talk to your train crush so what's the point?". what's the point? the point is it's fun to have a train crush? why does there need to be a point? but it did get me thinking....
and so, on Thursday November 10th i wrote a note to my crush. i ran it by my train friend Bonnie, who was both surprised and impressed at my idea- and scribbled out something the likes of "i've noticed you on the train for a while. i think we should go out for drinks sometime" with my name (first name only, i'm not retarded) and my phone number (maybe mildly retarded, but this is how you do things, no?)- and i passed him the note on my way off the train that day. my heart was racing and i couldn't look him in the eye- but i could tell he looked slightly confused as he took the folded piece of paper. i then ran off the train and to work, where i had a mild panic attack at the boldness of my actions.
later that day i had a slightly bigger panic attack when an unknown number CALLED MY PHONE, but it turned out to be some random company trying to get me to do a survey or some shit. wah wah. what a let down. my heart did a cheesy sigh of disappointment, and yet- i guess i never really expected to hear from him anyway.
not only did i not hear from him, he Disappeared. i have not seen him since. he's not on the train or anything. my friends at work have asked if i've heard anything and just today i said "no, i'm pretty sure he moved out of state to avoid awkward run-ins with me on the train". we decided if anything he probably started driving to work now, because a crazy girl shoved paper into his hand one day with her phone number on it. who does this? i don't know.
so i'm going through today trying to just listen for signs from the universe. my last assessment of the day was running late and i was cutting it very close to catch my train home at 7:18. around 7 my phone started buzzing with an unknown out of state number i assumed was probably a credit card company or telemarketer- as had been in the past (not collections, by the way, people offering random shit). but anyway i hit ignore in an attempt to finish things up and get out of the office quickly.
i noticed i had a voicemail and thought- odd, telemarketers usually hang up.
it was the universe calling.
aka- train crush.
turns out he hasn't been around the last few weeks because he's been in CHINA (he did not run there to avoid me, either), and he got back on Sunday and called to see if i wanted to go out for drinks this weekend
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who's life is this?
after i had an extended panic attack in front of coworkers who commented on the vast shades of red my face can turn, we discussed what a good story it would be for me and train crush to get married and tell our future kids their mom picked up dad on a commuter train...
we also facebook stalked him and found out he's only barely legal and i might be considered a cougar for considering dating this person. but i mean- COME ON. the universe basically told me to wake the fuck up- because when you take chances sometimes cool things come of it. like cute boys who wear seersucker call you and ask you out on a date at a time where you were considering never going on a date again.
to get all cheesy and quote ridiculous things: "be the change you want to see in this world" and from my very own facebook profile "if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done".
and on my train home, as i stared at the ad for Council for Relationships telling me to Listen. Learn. Change. i realized- SHIT. Sometimes the Universe really does answer back.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
there you are, peter
when you are young you don't always know when you meet people who will be important to you. you are meeting new people all the time, and so many people and friends float in and out of your life that realizing who's important sometimes takes time.
and then, after a while, once something happens- you realize it. a life transition, a death, a move, a heart break. there might be a number of times in your life when you realize just how lucky you are to know the people you know. but what is important is that you do realize it.
when i was in college i was struck with this crazy feeling one day. i had had one of the most amazing best friends my senior year of high school. and i had totally taken him for granted.
obviously, i didn't do that on purpose. it's just that i found after being in college for a little while that nobody was quite like jared. he is funny and smart and understated. confident and thoughtful. he picked me up for school every morning of senior year and often drove me home. he gave me his opinion when it counted, and didn't judge me (too harshly) when i was a crazy adolescent. he gave me one of my favorite nicknames, which he's still the only one to use.
i visited him this weekend. he's a doctor now. real fancy. he just had his 'golden birthday'- he turned 29 on the 29th. and a month ago when we were catching up and commiserating on loneliness and life's odd turns- i found cheap tickets to go see him.
now, jared and i don't see each other very often anymore. we're the type of close friends who catch up on the phone every once in a while and it's like one long conversation. we don't have to worry about if the other has changed or if time will make things weird. it's not weird. i already know he's a phone talker who is prone to silences which some might find awkward. i fill them with random stories and questions. but when i get to SEE jared, the silences are never awkward at all. in fact, i'm reminded even more about all the things i love about him:
~we like a lot of the same movies, and he lets me give detailed synopses to get him up to speed on things.
~he gives really good hugs. he kind of plants his feet and really squeezes back in a way that let's you know you are not the only participant in the hug.
~he often knows what i am trying to say as i open my mouth to say it
~he pokes fun at me, but always at appropriate times and never too harshly
~when he's telling me about people in his life he is detailed, and he always tells me what he thinks i will like about them. which makes me feel like he has thought about it and keeps me involved in his life even when i'm not there.
~he is the only other person i know who not only owns Hook on VHS, but quotes it as frequently as i do.
~we share a love of the mighty ducks (especially D2) that no one can equal. ducks fly together.
~he remembers a lot of my embarrassing high school moments, and shares them in a way that makes me know they are part of the reason he liked being my friend back then.
~we have a song or two (oooor 4?) that are 'our songs'. and when he karaoked one with someone else last year he called me to tell me he'd "cheated" on me. but it was with a girl he had a huge crush on so it was a worthy cause.
~he has this laugh that is just great. it seems to grow as he realizes why he finds something funny.
~sometimes when we discover we like the same thing (ex: recently it's the movie "Drive", starring my bf ryan gosling) we like the same things about it (such as...the opening credits involving pink 80s writing and an awesome song we listened to on repeat all weekend)
~he really appreciates a good titular line (which is, of course, when the title of a movie is mentioned in the dialogue somewhere) as well as good tag lines. a summer of working at blockbuster will do that to you.
~it's always reassuring to know that someone knew you back then, and still really knows you now. so you haven't really changed all that much.
~and finally, we used to drive around at night and park his car in a parking lot or in front of my house and lay the seats back and stare out the windows and have long talks about "life" and how we wanted ours to end up. and jared always had these insightful things to say. it's still kind of like that. with a few Hook references thrown in, of course.
and then, after a while, once something happens- you realize it. a life transition, a death, a move, a heart break. there might be a number of times in your life when you realize just how lucky you are to know the people you know. but what is important is that you do realize it.
when i was in college i was struck with this crazy feeling one day. i had had one of the most amazing best friends my senior year of high school. and i had totally taken him for granted.
obviously, i didn't do that on purpose. it's just that i found after being in college for a little while that nobody was quite like jared. he is funny and smart and understated. confident and thoughtful. he picked me up for school every morning of senior year and often drove me home. he gave me his opinion when it counted, and didn't judge me (too harshly) when i was a crazy adolescent. he gave me one of my favorite nicknames, which he's still the only one to use.
i visited him this weekend. he's a doctor now. real fancy. he just had his 'golden birthday'- he turned 29 on the 29th. and a month ago when we were catching up and commiserating on loneliness and life's odd turns- i found cheap tickets to go see him.
now, jared and i don't see each other very often anymore. we're the type of close friends who catch up on the phone every once in a while and it's like one long conversation. we don't have to worry about if the other has changed or if time will make things weird. it's not weird. i already know he's a phone talker who is prone to silences which some might find awkward. i fill them with random stories and questions. but when i get to SEE jared, the silences are never awkward at all. in fact, i'm reminded even more about all the things i love about him:
~we like a lot of the same movies, and he lets me give detailed synopses to get him up to speed on things.
~he gives really good hugs. he kind of plants his feet and really squeezes back in a way that let's you know you are not the only participant in the hug.
~he often knows what i am trying to say as i open my mouth to say it
~he pokes fun at me, but always at appropriate times and never too harshly
~when he's telling me about people in his life he is detailed, and he always tells me what he thinks i will like about them. which makes me feel like he has thought about it and keeps me involved in his life even when i'm not there.
~he is the only other person i know who not only owns Hook on VHS, but quotes it as frequently as i do.
~we share a love of the mighty ducks (especially D2) that no one can equal. ducks fly together.
~he remembers a lot of my embarrassing high school moments, and shares them in a way that makes me know they are part of the reason he liked being my friend back then.
~we have a song or two (oooor 4?) that are 'our songs'. and when he karaoked one with someone else last year he called me to tell me he'd "cheated" on me. but it was with a girl he had a huge crush on so it was a worthy cause.
~he has this laugh that is just great. it seems to grow as he realizes why he finds something funny.
~sometimes when we discover we like the same thing (ex: recently it's the movie "Drive", starring my bf ryan gosling) we like the same things about it (such as...the opening credits involving pink 80s writing and an awesome song we listened to on repeat all weekend)
~he really appreciates a good titular line (which is, of course, when the title of a movie is mentioned in the dialogue somewhere) as well as good tag lines. a summer of working at blockbuster will do that to you.
~it's always reassuring to know that someone knew you back then, and still really knows you now. so you haven't really changed all that much.
~and finally, we used to drive around at night and park his car in a parking lot or in front of my house and lay the seats back and stare out the windows and have long talks about "life" and how we wanted ours to end up. and jared always had these insightful things to say. it's still kind of like that. with a few Hook references thrown in, of course.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
the thing about 5 miles
well this week has been interesting.
On Monday i ran 5 miles. 5.7 actually. I set out somewhat nervous, because on Sunday i was not feeling my best and only ran 3.5 miles. But i figured, ok, let's get out and see what we can do. If we can get back to 4.5 it will be a success. But as i ran, i thought, well- if i get to 4.5 i should push myself to do more. maybe 4.8? and Then i thought, screw that- 4.8? i'm not stopping that close to 5 miles. i created this goal and i'm going to accomplish it! so i ran. and ran. and ran. i got nervous of stopping early and being just shy of my goal that i added loops on to the end of my route just to make sure. Finally i thought "i must have gotten to 5 miles by now..." and came home. i got inside and immediately went to the computer to map my run. (ha, funny, i went to mapmyrun.com to do this). but when i saw the results i was so stunned i immediately re-mapped it from scratch to make sure. and i had run not only 5 miles, but 5.7! a whole .7 miles over my goal! and a week early at that! i was so shocked i stood in my room with my mouth open- mind blank. not knowing what to think really. how the hell did i do that? will i be able to do it again? should i feel more....tired?
then i called my mom. because at heart i'm a five year old girl with no one to squeal to about my accomplishment except for my mom. and she was really proud of me. so that was nice.
so it appears i need a new goal. i made my friend a hat- a new kind, gray with a navy blue stripe in the middle, to make it different. it came out pretty good! and tonight i tried a new recipe- magic bars. cookie bottom w/ dark and white chocolate chips, reeses pieces, coconut and chopped pecans on top. they are still cooling, but smell amazing.
and now what?
the thing about running was that i don't really think much while doing it. i think in snippets about my life, but don't really think anything through. i am too focused on making sure i keep moving forward and giving myself little pep talks and imagining the end of races and who will be there to cheer me on. so there isn't much time to think through the deep thoughts and issues that run through my subconscious. and i enjoy it that way. i like to get away.
but now i've reached another goal. and i feel really good about it. and i do want to keep going. but i feel....restless. and boring. people ask me what's new and i say "oh, same old. knitting. baking. moving around furniture in my living room". i ordered a new couch- which won't get here until my birthday. how can these things be the most exciting things i have to talk about?
perhaps i'm just being too negative. but i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. i'm not sure why.
i'm going to providence for the weekend to visit jared- so i'm hoping that helps boost my mood. he is always a good time and i haven't seen him since last thanksgiving. plus he's forcing me to go to a halloween party. as one of the village people..... now that's a conversation starter if i ever heard one.
On Monday i ran 5 miles. 5.7 actually. I set out somewhat nervous, because on Sunday i was not feeling my best and only ran 3.5 miles. But i figured, ok, let's get out and see what we can do. If we can get back to 4.5 it will be a success. But as i ran, i thought, well- if i get to 4.5 i should push myself to do more. maybe 4.8? and Then i thought, screw that- 4.8? i'm not stopping that close to 5 miles. i created this goal and i'm going to accomplish it! so i ran. and ran. and ran. i got nervous of stopping early and being just shy of my goal that i added loops on to the end of my route just to make sure. Finally i thought "i must have gotten to 5 miles by now..." and came home. i got inside and immediately went to the computer to map my run. (ha, funny, i went to mapmyrun.com to do this). but when i saw the results i was so stunned i immediately re-mapped it from scratch to make sure. and i had run not only 5 miles, but 5.7! a whole .7 miles over my goal! and a week early at that! i was so shocked i stood in my room with my mouth open- mind blank. not knowing what to think really. how the hell did i do that? will i be able to do it again? should i feel more....tired?
then i called my mom. because at heart i'm a five year old girl with no one to squeal to about my accomplishment except for my mom. and she was really proud of me. so that was nice.
so it appears i need a new goal. i made my friend a hat- a new kind, gray with a navy blue stripe in the middle, to make it different. it came out pretty good! and tonight i tried a new recipe- magic bars. cookie bottom w/ dark and white chocolate chips, reeses pieces, coconut and chopped pecans on top. they are still cooling, but smell amazing.
and now what?
the thing about running was that i don't really think much while doing it. i think in snippets about my life, but don't really think anything through. i am too focused on making sure i keep moving forward and giving myself little pep talks and imagining the end of races and who will be there to cheer me on. so there isn't much time to think through the deep thoughts and issues that run through my subconscious. and i enjoy it that way. i like to get away.
but now i've reached another goal. and i feel really good about it. and i do want to keep going. but i feel....restless. and boring. people ask me what's new and i say "oh, same old. knitting. baking. moving around furniture in my living room". i ordered a new couch- which won't get here until my birthday. how can these things be the most exciting things i have to talk about?
perhaps i'm just being too negative. but i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. i'm not sure why.
i'm going to providence for the weekend to visit jared- so i'm hoping that helps boost my mood. he is always a good time and i haven't seen him since last thanksgiving. plus he's forcing me to go to a halloween party. as one of the village people..... now that's a conversation starter if i ever heard one.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
october check in
i haven't forgotten about you. i think all the time about writing more, but things have been busy!
i decided to dive right in to my october goals, and i'm glad to report they are going well! I have not eaten any candy from the candy drawer this month. That doesn't mean i haven't had any candy, but i haven't binged on it from boredom just because it was there. I haven't even opened that candy drawer once. not even to look at the forbidden fruit. i know myself well enough to know that if i know what's in there..i will fantasize about it one afternoon around 3pm and perhaps break my goal. why tempt myself?
i am also working on getting to a 5 mile run. i actually can't believe how well this goal is going. i started out at 2.5 miles, and worked my way up to 4.5 today! today! its october 18th! i still have 13 days to run just another half a mile! i think i might actually accomplish this goal- and i'm both shocked and super happy, to the point where i don't want to jinx myself- but i don't really know what to do with myself if i get there. shout it from the rooftops? buy myself this new purse i've been eying? reward myself with a cheesesteak? eh, i don't even really feel in the mood for a cheesesteak- but i think the most important thing to do once i reach 5 miles is to keep running. I have a tendency to stop sometimes during the winter. I don't push myself as much, i let my skills....lapse. What's the point of being able to run 5 miles if i only do it once and then never run again? i think i should stick with it and stay healthy. eat more veggies. work on those last 5 lbs.... i'll figure it out more once i've hit the mark.
what's funny about running for me is that when i get really tired i imagine i'm at the end of a race. i imagine who would be running with me, and what we would talk about. i imagine who would be at the finish line. sometimes the finish line is at the end of each block- i push myself further telling myself i have to get to that invisible line where people are waiting for me, proud of me. and it keeps me going. i don't think i imagined running would be quite like that for me- but i guess we learn new things everyday.
i've also caught up on a lot of tv lately. i've gotten rid of some shows on my schedule, made it slightly more reasonable to keep track of. some shows (like American Horror Story, for example) are still on my bubble- i haven't quite decided if i want to keep watching them. but for the most part my schedule is set. and i'm happy about it. i watch a good mix of comedies, drama and guilty pleasure ridiculousness.
now if only i could force myself to watch my netflix movies and use it the way it should be used...to catch up on silly girly movies, classics, and seasons of tv shows i never watched while they were on the air.
well, there's always november.....
i decided to dive right in to my october goals, and i'm glad to report they are going well! I have not eaten any candy from the candy drawer this month. That doesn't mean i haven't had any candy, but i haven't binged on it from boredom just because it was there. I haven't even opened that candy drawer once. not even to look at the forbidden fruit. i know myself well enough to know that if i know what's in there..i will fantasize about it one afternoon around 3pm and perhaps break my goal. why tempt myself?
i am also working on getting to a 5 mile run. i actually can't believe how well this goal is going. i started out at 2.5 miles, and worked my way up to 4.5 today! today! its october 18th! i still have 13 days to run just another half a mile! i think i might actually accomplish this goal- and i'm both shocked and super happy, to the point where i don't want to jinx myself- but i don't really know what to do with myself if i get there. shout it from the rooftops? buy myself this new purse i've been eying? reward myself with a cheesesteak? eh, i don't even really feel in the mood for a cheesesteak- but i think the most important thing to do once i reach 5 miles is to keep running. I have a tendency to stop sometimes during the winter. I don't push myself as much, i let my skills....lapse. What's the point of being able to run 5 miles if i only do it once and then never run again? i think i should stick with it and stay healthy. eat more veggies. work on those last 5 lbs.... i'll figure it out more once i've hit the mark.
what's funny about running for me is that when i get really tired i imagine i'm at the end of a race. i imagine who would be running with me, and what we would talk about. i imagine who would be at the finish line. sometimes the finish line is at the end of each block- i push myself further telling myself i have to get to that invisible line where people are waiting for me, proud of me. and it keeps me going. i don't think i imagined running would be quite like that for me- but i guess we learn new things everyday.
i've also caught up on a lot of tv lately. i've gotten rid of some shows on my schedule, made it slightly more reasonable to keep track of. some shows (like American Horror Story, for example) are still on my bubble- i haven't quite decided if i want to keep watching them. but for the most part my schedule is set. and i'm happy about it. i watch a good mix of comedies, drama and guilty pleasure ridiculousness.
now if only i could force myself to watch my netflix movies and use it the way it should be used...to catch up on silly girly movies, classics, and seasons of tv shows i never watched while they were on the air.
well, there's always november.....
Monday, September 26, 2011
It's fall! My favorite time of year! Back to school time! or, when you're old and no longer in school- a time i associate with wearing light sweaters and starting new books and setting up my dvr for all the new tv i'll be watching...
but if i'm being honest, i haven't done as much with my september as i would have hoped. the weather is still too humid (and rainy) for me to wear any sweaters or light jackets. i haven't gone back to valley forge for any picnics. i haven't gone on any long walks kicking up leaves. i did spend a lot of time feeling sad and confused and lonely and...ridiculous. and i'm not saying those times are completely over- but i think from here on in i am gonna make more of an effort to enjoy my favorite season.
yesterday i spent a nice sunday touring the battleship new jersey by myself. it's been a while since i went on an adventure for one- because i spent a lot of time thinking how nice it would be to finally be part of a two... however, i found that i'm just as much fun as i remember. it was a nice realization. not to mention- i took pictures like this:
here i am getting very important communications on the battleship. don't i look important?
i decided today that i need to go back to setting little goals for myself. they make me feel like i have purpose, and when i complete them i feel accomplished and happy with myself. so- october 1st is this saturday. in october, i would like to finish the knitting the purple scarf i've been working on all summer. i will also stop snacking on candy at work, and i will go running more often. after not running in a week and a half- i went out and ran 2.5 miles tonight. every time i wanted to stop i said "well diana, let's see what you've got left. if you're tired- keep going". 2.5 miles isn't bad for a first run- but i've been saying for a while that i want to get to 5- and god damn it- i'm gonna get there. hopefully by the end of october!
do i want to date? do i want to "move on" and feel less lonely? yeah sure. but these things, these little goals, will get me through each day and give me things to work towards. maybe by the end of october- with some more running and less candy snacking, i will have lost the remaining 5 lbs of my grad school weight. i will wear my skinny jeans with glee on a date with someone of my choosing, and feel totally ready to be there. i may be getting ahead of myself here, but a girl's gotta have dreams.
and in the meantime there is a ton of new tv to keep me entertained. (i'll save my reviews for another day).
ah fall, thank goodness you're back.
but if i'm being honest, i haven't done as much with my september as i would have hoped. the weather is still too humid (and rainy) for me to wear any sweaters or light jackets. i haven't gone back to valley forge for any picnics. i haven't gone on any long walks kicking up leaves. i did spend a lot of time feeling sad and confused and lonely and...ridiculous. and i'm not saying those times are completely over- but i think from here on in i am gonna make more of an effort to enjoy my favorite season.
yesterday i spent a nice sunday touring the battleship new jersey by myself. it's been a while since i went on an adventure for one- because i spent a lot of time thinking how nice it would be to finally be part of a two... however, i found that i'm just as much fun as i remember. it was a nice realization. not to mention- i took pictures like this:
i decided today that i need to go back to setting little goals for myself. they make me feel like i have purpose, and when i complete them i feel accomplished and happy with myself. so- october 1st is this saturday. in october, i would like to finish the knitting the purple scarf i've been working on all summer. i will also stop snacking on candy at work, and i will go running more often. after not running in a week and a half- i went out and ran 2.5 miles tonight. every time i wanted to stop i said "well diana, let's see what you've got left. if you're tired- keep going". 2.5 miles isn't bad for a first run- but i've been saying for a while that i want to get to 5- and god damn it- i'm gonna get there. hopefully by the end of october!
do i want to date? do i want to "move on" and feel less lonely? yeah sure. but these things, these little goals, will get me through each day and give me things to work towards. maybe by the end of october- with some more running and less candy snacking, i will have lost the remaining 5 lbs of my grad school weight. i will wear my skinny jeans with glee on a date with someone of my choosing, and feel totally ready to be there. i may be getting ahead of myself here, but a girl's gotta have dreams.
and in the meantime there is a ton of new tv to keep me entertained. (i'll save my reviews for another day).
ah fall, thank goodness you're back.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
ready set life
it seems like there is a lot happening lately. in trying to move on i tend to make decisions about my life that i've been mulling over for a while and haven't had the guts to commit to.
for instance: i want my own practice. i want to take on clients at work. i might want to look into getting my license transferred to new jersey, or new york.
i want a lot of things.
and my head gets spinning.
my days are filled with good and bad thoughts. often in rapid succession. i feel ok, i move along, i try to stay positive and think good thoughts, maybe something good happens- like i have a good conversation with someone new at work, or feel bonded to what i am doing and like i'm moving in the right direction. i get excited, i feel happy. i think of who i can share that with. i share it. i'm reminded of my recent heartbreak. i try to stop myself from getting too down. i don't cry. i try to focus on what just made me feel happy. i keep going. this might all happen in like, 5 minutes.
both of my parents have shared recently that close friends of theirs are dying. of cancer. (different forms, different battles, different states. same outcome). they are both depressed. it was recently 9/11. everyone is thinking about their lives and who is in them and who is no longer here. no one wants to waste time on petty arguments. people have been reminded that life is short and precious. spend time with those you love and cherish them.
this does not include people you love who you don't treat you well, or who don't deserve your love, or who are trying to no longer love. no one wants to be reminded or remind you of them.
so you keep going, and try to focus on the positive, the ones who are always there for you and always will be. who love you unconditionally. who always make you laugh or allow you to cry. you try to live in moments and stay happy and connected.
it is hard. life gets so complicated. time moves both slowly and quickly, never when you want it to.
fall is coming. i will take steps to meet my goals. i will keep moving and trying to laugh and stay in the moment. i will learn my worth and remember to believe in myself, because i can do anything if i really want it badly enough.
life is short. don't waste it.
for instance: i want my own practice. i want to take on clients at work. i might want to look into getting my license transferred to new jersey, or new york.
i want a lot of things.
and my head gets spinning.
my days are filled with good and bad thoughts. often in rapid succession. i feel ok, i move along, i try to stay positive and think good thoughts, maybe something good happens- like i have a good conversation with someone new at work, or feel bonded to what i am doing and like i'm moving in the right direction. i get excited, i feel happy. i think of who i can share that with. i share it. i'm reminded of my recent heartbreak. i try to stop myself from getting too down. i don't cry. i try to focus on what just made me feel happy. i keep going. this might all happen in like, 5 minutes.
both of my parents have shared recently that close friends of theirs are dying. of cancer. (different forms, different battles, different states. same outcome). they are both depressed. it was recently 9/11. everyone is thinking about their lives and who is in them and who is no longer here. no one wants to waste time on petty arguments. people have been reminded that life is short and precious. spend time with those you love and cherish them.
this does not include people you love who you don't treat you well, or who don't deserve your love, or who are trying to no longer love. no one wants to be reminded or remind you of them.
so you keep going, and try to focus on the positive, the ones who are always there for you and always will be. who love you unconditionally. who always make you laugh or allow you to cry. you try to live in moments and stay happy and connected.
it is hard. life gets so complicated. time moves both slowly and quickly, never when you want it to.
fall is coming. i will take steps to meet my goals. i will keep moving and trying to laugh and stay in the moment. i will learn my worth and remember to believe in myself, because i can do anything if i really want it badly enough.
life is short. don't waste it.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
twenty minutes ago i disabled my okcupid account. it has been on and off for almost 2 years, and i think it's served it's purpose. i went on a lot of dates. i had my first taste of real dating last summer. and i met someone i truly cared about. but in the end, i am not upset to say goodbye to okcupid. i think it's time for a change.
i also moved around my living room furniture. the room looks completely different- a lot less cluttered and more open and spacious. it's quite nice. i'm already feeling a little different. of course now i also get to focus on potentially getting some new things- i want to give away or get rid of some of the furniture that's already there- and get one or two things that are practical and fit the new set up. specifically- i want to get rid of my coffee table and get a storage ottoman to use as a new one/extra seating. i want to maybe get a long and low bookshelf to put against one of the walls, and get rid of one of the end tables i was using. i want...my life to look and feel different. including my living space.
thankfully i'm still satisfied with the way my bedroom is set up- because i think i'm stuck with it the way it is. the furniture is too big and the space too small to move things around too much. but i've slowly started the cleansing process in here too- cleaning corners of the room and purging things i don't need. it's all part of my "revamp my life" kick that i've been on for the past few weeks. it's the little things that can really make a difference and make you feel better.
also- i went back to the gym. i decided a week was enough time to really mope and eat emotionally without worrying about the consequences. now- it's back to trying to use endorphins to bust out of this. and i think i did notice a difference in my mood. i rewarded myself with shared popcorn and m&ms at the movies tonight with lisa :) nothing says "congratulations on working out!" like some junk food at the movies. i earned that shit. and i will keep earning it.
i think in the coming weeks i will finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, probably go through my closets again and get rid of things, and hopefully put the finishing touches on the living room. then i'll sit and watch all the new tv that is coming back and knit hats for my friends and plan weekend activities to take me through the fall- my favorite time of year.
i think i want to carve a pumpkin. would this be a good date activity? i also might want to go on a food truck tour. and make a dent in my 'to read' pile. and take steps towards improving my financial situation and my career. or at least identify what steps i should be taking (if i'm too scared to actually take them yet). the fall is always my favorite time of year. back to school time. no wonder i feel the need to organize- i always loved organizing my books and supplies for the year. if only i had a reason to need a spiral notebook!
by the end of fall this nagging lonely feeling will have gone away. either because i'll have found someone new or because i'll feel better about being alone again. my therapist always says no pain should be wasted- so i better put this to good use and make some positive change.
i also moved around my living room furniture. the room looks completely different- a lot less cluttered and more open and spacious. it's quite nice. i'm already feeling a little different. of course now i also get to focus on potentially getting some new things- i want to give away or get rid of some of the furniture that's already there- and get one or two things that are practical and fit the new set up. specifically- i want to get rid of my coffee table and get a storage ottoman to use as a new one/extra seating. i want to maybe get a long and low bookshelf to put against one of the walls, and get rid of one of the end tables i was using. i want...my life to look and feel different. including my living space.
thankfully i'm still satisfied with the way my bedroom is set up- because i think i'm stuck with it the way it is. the furniture is too big and the space too small to move things around too much. but i've slowly started the cleansing process in here too- cleaning corners of the room and purging things i don't need. it's all part of my "revamp my life" kick that i've been on for the past few weeks. it's the little things that can really make a difference and make you feel better.
also- i went back to the gym. i decided a week was enough time to really mope and eat emotionally without worrying about the consequences. now- it's back to trying to use endorphins to bust out of this. and i think i did notice a difference in my mood. i rewarded myself with shared popcorn and m&ms at the movies tonight with lisa :) nothing says "congratulations on working out!" like some junk food at the movies. i earned that shit. and i will keep earning it.
i think in the coming weeks i will finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, probably go through my closets again and get rid of things, and hopefully put the finishing touches on the living room. then i'll sit and watch all the new tv that is coming back and knit hats for my friends and plan weekend activities to take me through the fall- my favorite time of year.
i think i want to carve a pumpkin. would this be a good date activity? i also might want to go on a food truck tour. and make a dent in my 'to read' pile. and take steps towards improving my financial situation and my career. or at least identify what steps i should be taking (if i'm too scared to actually take them yet). the fall is always my favorite time of year. back to school time. no wonder i feel the need to organize- i always loved organizing my books and supplies for the year. if only i had a reason to need a spiral notebook!
by the end of fall this nagging lonely feeling will have gone away. either because i'll have found someone new or because i'll feel better about being alone again. my therapist always says no pain should be wasted- so i better put this to good use and make some positive change.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
nope. life still sucks. but today is a little different than yesterday.
today i decided to see what it was like to look at things from a different perspective.
anger. i can only hold onto it for short periods of time, but it's there. and it feels...empowering. it makes you feel better and stronger.
until it disappears and i'm left feeling weak and ache-y again.
but hey, at least i'm trying.
things that make me feel better:
reading gossip magazines
reading, in general
talking on the phone
washing dishes
knitting
thinking about new things i can learn
reading old funny blog posts
thinking about how to rearrange my living room furniture
thinking about a time when i will no longer feel sad, and more than that- will not even remember why i was so sad to begin with
things that, surprisingly, are not helping:
watching hgtv- i used to love watching this during the summer. now i lose interest after 10 seconds
watching tv in general
eating or baking
my own pep talks (usually my fav)
dressing up
spending time alone with my thoughts
things that could go either way:
music- i find that i can't handle music lately. i don't want to feel whatever it will make me feel. i'd rather sit in silence and zone out
talking about what happened or how i'm dealing with it- i either feel weird or pathetic or just like no one actually gives a shit. unless of course they do and are helpful and then its ok.
breathing- eh, sometimes it gets challenging and then i get upset for no reason (i believe this is called a 'panic attack'. they are becoming less frequent by the day). i keep doing it though, don't worry.
overall, i suppose today sucked less than yesterday.
who knows, tomorrow might be better.
if i can hold onto more anger i'll be able to propel myself forward a bit more.
time. give it time.
i'm trying to focus on the freedom of feeling crappy. and allow myself to do whatever the fuck i want.
today i decided to see what it was like to look at things from a different perspective.
anger. i can only hold onto it for short periods of time, but it's there. and it feels...empowering. it makes you feel better and stronger.
until it disappears and i'm left feeling weak and ache-y again.
but hey, at least i'm trying.
things that make me feel better:
reading gossip magazines
reading, in general
talking on the phone
washing dishes
knitting
thinking about new things i can learn
reading old funny blog posts
thinking about how to rearrange my living room furniture
thinking about a time when i will no longer feel sad, and more than that- will not even remember why i was so sad to begin with
things that, surprisingly, are not helping:
watching hgtv- i used to love watching this during the summer. now i lose interest after 10 seconds
watching tv in general
eating or baking
my own pep talks (usually my fav)
dressing up
spending time alone with my thoughts
things that could go either way:
music- i find that i can't handle music lately. i don't want to feel whatever it will make me feel. i'd rather sit in silence and zone out
talking about what happened or how i'm dealing with it- i either feel weird or pathetic or just like no one actually gives a shit. unless of course they do and are helpful and then its ok.
breathing- eh, sometimes it gets challenging and then i get upset for no reason (i believe this is called a 'panic attack'. they are becoming less frequent by the day). i keep doing it though, don't worry.
overall, i suppose today sucked less than yesterday.
who knows, tomorrow might be better.
if i can hold onto more anger i'll be able to propel myself forward a bit more.
time. give it time.
i'm trying to focus on the freedom of feeling crappy. and allow myself to do whatever the fuck i want.
Monday, September 5, 2011
i hate everything
well, life sucks. i have been feeling on the edge of suckage for a little bit, but i've tipped the scales into full blown "i hate life and i'm not sure i will ever like it again" mode.
my job feels like a lot of busy work and not enough fulfilling client interaction. my co-workers are also feeling negative and overall i'd say morale is...low.
i've essentially stopped running, or at least running very well or with any kind of regularity or passion behind it.
and i broke up, yet again, with the boy i have cared about for the better part of 2011.
so basically, life just sucks all around. and i'm sitting on the couch with blue emo nail polish watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' to remind myself that life could be worse....i could be part of that family. AND ITS NOT EVEN WORKING- AT LEAST THEY HAVE CRAZY BODIES AND ARE IN BORA BORA. well no, they are ridiculous people and i would never want to be part of that.
but still. you get my point.
i just keep...moping. i feel so stuck. after an emotional three hour break up conversation, this boy- who i can't help but care about- looks me in the eyes and says "this can't be the end of us. it just can't". he wants to be my best friend. he wants to stay in my life, and more importantly have me stay in his. but how can that be? how can it be anything But the end. we've gone round and round, and in the end, while we might care for each other and be 'best friends'- i guess we don't want the same things, in life or from each other. and so- it just won't work. and that is the most heartbreaking of all.
but why why does this always happen to me??? EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS! i am a good friend, yes, but really? i don't think i understand. maybe i'm not attractive to men? maybe i give off too much of a 'friend/just one of the guys' vibe? i really don't think i understand.
personally- i love my friends. they are amazing. but. i want to be in a relationship. a real one. and yes, i think good relationships are based on good friendships. but they evolve into More than that. i think that whoever i end up with will be my Best Friend. who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? i think that sounds like the most fun thing in the world! why am i caring about people who look at me and say "can't we just be best friends?"
it's just.....no. no we can't. because apparently, i have just been informed (by someone who thinks they know everything about relationships) that in fact men Don't want to be with their best friends. and their friends are important, but not who a guy will want to go home to at the end of the night. because men are RETARDED. seriously. i hate them all.
and that's just....sucky.
the whole world is fucking sucky.
so i will sit here. and do everything in my power to distract myself. and push myself further away from the past and the person i've spoken to everyday, because i can't be in love with my best friend. especially when they don't love me.
and even though i know all of this, and logically it is my decision to step away and seek something that will be better for me in the long run, i can't help but miss him. and feel lonely. and negative. and like things will never change for me.
and i can hate life, and feel unmotivated and stuck and unhappy. and put all of my energy into putting one foot in front of the other and going to work and seeing my friends and taking one day at a time until slowly, hopefully, the world will suck a little less. and i'll feel slightly less unhappy, and maybe even more motivated to do things that make me happy. but today i don't have much hope. maybe tomorrow. but probably not.
my job feels like a lot of busy work and not enough fulfilling client interaction. my co-workers are also feeling negative and overall i'd say morale is...low.
i've essentially stopped running, or at least running very well or with any kind of regularity or passion behind it.
and i broke up, yet again, with the boy i have cared about for the better part of 2011.
so basically, life just sucks all around. and i'm sitting on the couch with blue emo nail polish watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' to remind myself that life could be worse....i could be part of that family. AND ITS NOT EVEN WORKING- AT LEAST THEY HAVE CRAZY BODIES AND ARE IN BORA BORA. well no, they are ridiculous people and i would never want to be part of that.
but still. you get my point.
i just keep...moping. i feel so stuck. after an emotional three hour break up conversation, this boy- who i can't help but care about- looks me in the eyes and says "this can't be the end of us. it just can't". he wants to be my best friend. he wants to stay in my life, and more importantly have me stay in his. but how can that be? how can it be anything But the end. we've gone round and round, and in the end, while we might care for each other and be 'best friends'- i guess we don't want the same things, in life or from each other. and so- it just won't work. and that is the most heartbreaking of all.
but why why does this always happen to me??? EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS! i am a good friend, yes, but really? i don't think i understand. maybe i'm not attractive to men? maybe i give off too much of a 'friend/just one of the guys' vibe? i really don't think i understand.
personally- i love my friends. they are amazing. but. i want to be in a relationship. a real one. and yes, i think good relationships are based on good friendships. but they evolve into More than that. i think that whoever i end up with will be my Best Friend. who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? i think that sounds like the most fun thing in the world! why am i caring about people who look at me and say "can't we just be best friends?"
it's just.....no. no we can't. because apparently, i have just been informed (by someone who thinks they know everything about relationships) that in fact men Don't want to be with their best friends. and their friends are important, but not who a guy will want to go home to at the end of the night. because men are RETARDED. seriously. i hate them all.
and that's just....sucky.
the whole world is fucking sucky.
so i will sit here. and do everything in my power to distract myself. and push myself further away from the past and the person i've spoken to everyday, because i can't be in love with my best friend. especially when they don't love me.
and even though i know all of this, and logically it is my decision to step away and seek something that will be better for me in the long run, i can't help but miss him. and feel lonely. and negative. and like things will never change for me.
and i can hate life, and feel unmotivated and stuck and unhappy. and put all of my energy into putting one foot in front of the other and going to work and seeing my friends and taking one day at a time until slowly, hopefully, the world will suck a little less. and i'll feel slightly less unhappy, and maybe even more motivated to do things that make me happy. but today i don't have much hope. maybe tomorrow. but probably not.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
ciao
i'm going to come out and say it. i have loved italy for as long as i can remember. my sister always had a thing for england- the beer, the cheese, the tall gangly men with bad teeth.....
but me? give me italy any day. gelato. pizza. wine. pasta. these are basic food groups. not to mention- the scenery? the history? good lord, the architecture...
part of my heart belongs in italy. always has.
in my family it has always been a tradition to go abroad in college. so when the time came, i decided to spend my year in rome.
rome. one of the greatest places on earth.
i spent nine glorious months living in rome. i ate, i walked, i learned, i walked some more, i visited the vatican a total of 10 times (10. whenever people come to visit they always want to see the sistine chapel....) i was giving my own personal tours of the forum. i knew side streets and local restaurants. i brushed up on my italian in the local supermarket. i learned the bus system. i had a room that looked out onto a small orange garden (i'd call it a grove, but it was only 2 or 3 trees). in many many ways it was an amazing year.
that was 8 years ago. 8 long years. in that time i've had dreams about rome. i'm walking on the streets from campo di fiori back to my neighborhood in trastevere. there's distant music playing in the background, there's a slight breeze. the buildings are old and kind of dirty, which suits them just fine. the streets are cobbled. and i feel oddly at home.
and finally- finally, i'm going back. tomorrow night i'm getting on a plane and spending 4 full days in one of my favorite places. followed by 4 more days in verona- city of romeo and juliet (among other things). it seems surreal. i don't think i'll truly feel excited until i step off the plane into the heat and noise of the city. at which point i'll probably giggle with glee, and want to run around hugging the buildings (especially the really really old ones).
so in the next week, think of me- in my own personal paradise. walking around with my eyes wide, smiling at everything and just relaxing back into my life. the most amazing part of life, which usually exists solely on vacation. :)
but me? give me italy any day. gelato. pizza. wine. pasta. these are basic food groups. not to mention- the scenery? the history? good lord, the architecture...
part of my heart belongs in italy. always has.
in my family it has always been a tradition to go abroad in college. so when the time came, i decided to spend my year in rome.
rome. one of the greatest places on earth.
i spent nine glorious months living in rome. i ate, i walked, i learned, i walked some more, i visited the vatican a total of 10 times (10. whenever people come to visit they always want to see the sistine chapel....) i was giving my own personal tours of the forum. i knew side streets and local restaurants. i brushed up on my italian in the local supermarket. i learned the bus system. i had a room that looked out onto a small orange garden (i'd call it a grove, but it was only 2 or 3 trees). in many many ways it was an amazing year.
that was 8 years ago. 8 long years. in that time i've had dreams about rome. i'm walking on the streets from campo di fiori back to my neighborhood in trastevere. there's distant music playing in the background, there's a slight breeze. the buildings are old and kind of dirty, which suits them just fine. the streets are cobbled. and i feel oddly at home.
and finally- finally, i'm going back. tomorrow night i'm getting on a plane and spending 4 full days in one of my favorite places. followed by 4 more days in verona- city of romeo and juliet (among other things). it seems surreal. i don't think i'll truly feel excited until i step off the plane into the heat and noise of the city. at which point i'll probably giggle with glee, and want to run around hugging the buildings (especially the really really old ones).
so in the next week, think of me- in my own personal paradise. walking around with my eyes wide, smiling at everything and just relaxing back into my life. the most amazing part of life, which usually exists solely on vacation. :)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
one more day
you cannot hold onto something that was never yours to begin with.
i mean, you can- but what's the point?
life is not like the movies. Especially the Notebook. life is not like the notebook. ryan gosling will not spend a year writing you letters daily and then pine for you and build you a house. you will not get to make out with ryan gosling in the rain and then rip your wet clothes off to have amazing movie sex. very few people get to do that. if you are waiting for your life to be like the notebook, you should just give up now.
similarly, whoever it is you are waiting for is not going to change his (or her) mind and magically be waiting for you on your stoop when you get home to tell you that he can't live without you because you are so awesome that knowing you has been life changing, and therefore life without you has been empty and sad. that just doesn't happen.
most of the time if someone has decided they can do without you- it's because they can. yes, maybe they were scared, or maybe they had already met someone else, or maybe the timing was just wrong. there are a plethora of reasons why things don't work out- and you can't waste your life waiting for the situation to be different.
in (my) real life, people (me) go on dates with men with the hopes that a miracle will happen and there will be some kind of mutual spark- physical and intellectual attraction that will lead to a never ending date filled with laughter and conversation and kisses that cause spontaneous fireworks. oh wait- real life. right. the dates are usually awkward, or interesting enough but without any spark. the men are either way too eager or not at all interested. sometimes there is nothing really wrong, but it doesn't feel right because someone (me) has spent too many years watching movies and tv and expecting all of the "right" things to happen, only to be gravely disappointed at real life.
case in point: friday night. i wore a dress. and lipstick. and brushed my hair. i made sure to be on time. we met at tria near rittenhouse, which i thought would be too crowded at 7pm on a friday. turns out i was right- but my date had made backup reservations at the restaurant across the street- which just happened to be the Dandelion (stephen starr. british pub), a place i have been wanting to go. we had a great meal. there was prosecco. and cheese. and cous cous. and he paid for it while i was in the bathroom (note- i was not running away from the bill, i thought it would take longer to come to the table because the restaurant was busy and the service somewhat slow, but when a man pays while you're powdering your nose- you do not complain.) it was delightful. my date was gracious and interesting and very different from the men i would normally be interested in. he is a veteran, was injured (but is ok), is now finishing his bachelors- while also volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans and an lgbt clinic. he does karate and runs in his spare time. he is also italian, and shared an amazing story about his family being cursed to always have male children and three nipples. (apparently the curse is real. he has three nipples. he magically became shy when i bluntly asked for more details surrounding this issue. apparently i taught him not to share personal information if you don't plan on having a detailed conversation about it.) after dinner we walked and talked and sat in various parks. he walked me to my corner. we hugged. overall i think it was a success. and yet....
and yet. here i am. sitting here in my apartment. alone. wondering why i can't just have what i want. why dating has to be so hard. and if this is really all my fault. instead i chose to get up and start furiously cleaning and throwing things away (which feels oddly freeing) and deciding that no- this isn't entirely my fault. its society's fault. for teaching me- through tv and movies- that i should get swept off my feet by a tall handsome man who will magically possess all of the qualities i've been looking for. and also be a secret prince or own an island. and have excellent taste in music- which will play in the montage of us falling in love all over the city.
OH MY GOD. STOP IT.
this doesn't exist. you will never be as happy as the characters in the Notebook- and on second glance- they went through a lot of pain in that movie. everyone in ryan gosling's family died. there were a lot of tears. and ryan gosling and rachel mcadams dated in real life! twice! and even They couldn't make it work! i'm sure they felt very disappointed that reality is much different from the movie they had made- and they weren't, in fact, fated to be together forever and row into old age on a creek in the south....
life might be more like the movie Bridesmaids...where you get food poisoning and end up shitting in the street. or run from sweet police officers with accents because you are scared of something real, and then realize too late and they no longer want anything to do with you. or you throw a tantrum at your best friend's bridal shower because your life has fallen apart and you can't stand to see a giant cookie with their names written on it in icing that no one in their right mind would ever eat. yes, the movie Bridesmaids is so much closer to reality than anyone would like to admit....
and the best part? the surprise addition/reintroduction of Wilson Phillips "Hold On" back into my life.
yes folks, i'm listening to this gem right now. and it is providing me with sweet sweet wisdom:
i know there's pain.
why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
no one can change your life except for you.
don't ever let anyone step all over you. just open your heart and your mind.
is it really fair to feel this way inside?
whoa
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye
until then baby are you gonna let em hold you down and make you cry
don't you know, don't you know, if you change- things will go your way
if you hold on, for one more day
oh wilson phillips...how did you get to be so wise?
do not let anyone hold you down and make you cry. just because the one you wanted didn't want you, doesn't mean you will be alone forever. and just because you don't get to have delicious movie rain sex with ryan gosling doesn't mean you won't get to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone who maybe looks like him in the right lighting?
no one can change your life except for you! stop holding on to things that were never real, and never yours. be happy with who you are, what you have, and open your heart and your mind.
and when things are rough- use your friends, your sponsor, your co-workers, your therapist, your family, your pet- and hold on for one more fucking day. things will get better.
i mean, you can- but what's the point?
life is not like the movies. Especially the Notebook. life is not like the notebook. ryan gosling will not spend a year writing you letters daily and then pine for you and build you a house. you will not get to make out with ryan gosling in the rain and then rip your wet clothes off to have amazing movie sex. very few people get to do that. if you are waiting for your life to be like the notebook, you should just give up now.
similarly, whoever it is you are waiting for is not going to change his (or her) mind and magically be waiting for you on your stoop when you get home to tell you that he can't live without you because you are so awesome that knowing you has been life changing, and therefore life without you has been empty and sad. that just doesn't happen.
most of the time if someone has decided they can do without you- it's because they can. yes, maybe they were scared, or maybe they had already met someone else, or maybe the timing was just wrong. there are a plethora of reasons why things don't work out- and you can't waste your life waiting for the situation to be different.
in (my) real life, people (me) go on dates with men with the hopes that a miracle will happen and there will be some kind of mutual spark- physical and intellectual attraction that will lead to a never ending date filled with laughter and conversation and kisses that cause spontaneous fireworks. oh wait- real life. right. the dates are usually awkward, or interesting enough but without any spark. the men are either way too eager or not at all interested. sometimes there is nothing really wrong, but it doesn't feel right because someone (me) has spent too many years watching movies and tv and expecting all of the "right" things to happen, only to be gravely disappointed at real life.
case in point: friday night. i wore a dress. and lipstick. and brushed my hair. i made sure to be on time. we met at tria near rittenhouse, which i thought would be too crowded at 7pm on a friday. turns out i was right- but my date had made backup reservations at the restaurant across the street- which just happened to be the Dandelion (stephen starr. british pub), a place i have been wanting to go. we had a great meal. there was prosecco. and cheese. and cous cous. and he paid for it while i was in the bathroom (note- i was not running away from the bill, i thought it would take longer to come to the table because the restaurant was busy and the service somewhat slow, but when a man pays while you're powdering your nose- you do not complain.) it was delightful. my date was gracious and interesting and very different from the men i would normally be interested in. he is a veteran, was injured (but is ok), is now finishing his bachelors- while also volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans and an lgbt clinic. he does karate and runs in his spare time. he is also italian, and shared an amazing story about his family being cursed to always have male children and three nipples. (apparently the curse is real. he has three nipples. he magically became shy when i bluntly asked for more details surrounding this issue. apparently i taught him not to share personal information if you don't plan on having a detailed conversation about it.) after dinner we walked and talked and sat in various parks. he walked me to my corner. we hugged. overall i think it was a success. and yet....
and yet. here i am. sitting here in my apartment. alone. wondering why i can't just have what i want. why dating has to be so hard. and if this is really all my fault. instead i chose to get up and start furiously cleaning and throwing things away (which feels oddly freeing) and deciding that no- this isn't entirely my fault. its society's fault. for teaching me- through tv and movies- that i should get swept off my feet by a tall handsome man who will magically possess all of the qualities i've been looking for. and also be a secret prince or own an island. and have excellent taste in music- which will play in the montage of us falling in love all over the city.
OH MY GOD. STOP IT.
this doesn't exist. you will never be as happy as the characters in the Notebook- and on second glance- they went through a lot of pain in that movie. everyone in ryan gosling's family died. there were a lot of tears. and ryan gosling and rachel mcadams dated in real life! twice! and even They couldn't make it work! i'm sure they felt very disappointed that reality is much different from the movie they had made- and they weren't, in fact, fated to be together forever and row into old age on a creek in the south....
life might be more like the movie Bridesmaids...where you get food poisoning and end up shitting in the street. or run from sweet police officers with accents because you are scared of something real, and then realize too late and they no longer want anything to do with you. or you throw a tantrum at your best friend's bridal shower because your life has fallen apart and you can't stand to see a giant cookie with their names written on it in icing that no one in their right mind would ever eat. yes, the movie Bridesmaids is so much closer to reality than anyone would like to admit....
and the best part? the surprise addition/reintroduction of Wilson Phillips "Hold On" back into my life.
yes folks, i'm listening to this gem right now. and it is providing me with sweet sweet wisdom:
i know there's pain.
why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
no one can change your life except for you.
don't ever let anyone step all over you. just open your heart and your mind.
is it really fair to feel this way inside?
whoa
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye
until then baby are you gonna let em hold you down and make you cry
don't you know, don't you know, if you change- things will go your way
if you hold on, for one more day
oh wilson phillips...how did you get to be so wise?
do not let anyone hold you down and make you cry. just because the one you wanted didn't want you, doesn't mean you will be alone forever. and just because you don't get to have delicious movie rain sex with ryan gosling doesn't mean you won't get to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone who maybe looks like him in the right lighting?
no one can change your life except for you! stop holding on to things that were never real, and never yours. be happy with who you are, what you have, and open your heart and your mind.
and when things are rough- use your friends, your sponsor, your co-workers, your therapist, your family, your pet- and hold on for one more fucking day. things will get better.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
summer check-in
hello.
life is busy. i'm doing by best to keep busy, and i realized that i'm actually doing a good job of checking things off of my list for the summer!
i went back to look at all the things i wanted to do, and here are the things i've accomplished so far:
~toured Eastern State Penitentiary- Mimi and Jeff and i had a sunday funday and went on the audio tour. and it was really cool!! i strongly recommend it if you like...history and...prisons. (no really, it was cool.)
~picnic at valley forge. its beautiful there. and peaceful. i'll probably go back when it's not so humid.
~i've been to Rehobeth beach once! and i'm hopefully going again this weekend, and again in august (if not sooner) :)
~i have eaten more seafood- i went out for an amazing greek seafood meal two weeks ago. i hope to have fresh crabs this weekend in rehobeth. yum i'm exciting just thinking about it.
~i'm still working on my scarf and am in the process of knitting a hat for caitlin. celine got a hat when she was visiting a few weeks ago- and there are more to come!
~i started hanging out with some girls from work! i went to a bbq this weekend with some of them- and while i was nervous at first- because i didn't really know a lot of people and i'm pretty sure i was the only single person there, but it was fun! and i'm glad that i went- and i told myself "diana- when people invite you places, you go- because otherwise you stop getting invited". and so i went, and i had fun, and i hope to do it again!
i have been working on the positivity thing- it is hard to remember sometimes. i'm also working on flossing daily, but i think i've increased my flossing at least, which is good. i am also working on telling people i care about them. i think it's important, especially because i've been so out of it lately- it feels nice to reconnect with people.
i am actively trying to ride a vespa- i keep seeing them everywhere! but there's never anyone on one that i can ask for a ride. plus, it will be super creepy of me to approach someone on their vespa and ask for a ride around the block- but i feel like somehow i can make this happen.
i'm also still in the process of cleaning/streamlining. i cleaned the bedroom when my mom was visiting two weeks ago- so that was progress. Still have to work on the living room though. help is always appreciated!!!
things i'm adding to my list for the summer:
the magic garden
keep trying to teach myself how to whistle
maybe learn to cartwheel
i think that one month into summer i'm doing a pretty good job of tackling the list. who knows- maybe by fall i really will have done them all!!
life is busy. i'm doing by best to keep busy, and i realized that i'm actually doing a good job of checking things off of my list for the summer!
i went back to look at all the things i wanted to do, and here are the things i've accomplished so far:
~toured Eastern State Penitentiary- Mimi and Jeff and i had a sunday funday and went on the audio tour. and it was really cool!! i strongly recommend it if you like...history and...prisons. (no really, it was cool.)
~picnic at valley forge. its beautiful there. and peaceful. i'll probably go back when it's not so humid.
~i've been to Rehobeth beach once! and i'm hopefully going again this weekend, and again in august (if not sooner) :)
~i have eaten more seafood- i went out for an amazing greek seafood meal two weeks ago. i hope to have fresh crabs this weekend in rehobeth. yum i'm exciting just thinking about it.
~i'm still working on my scarf and am in the process of knitting a hat for caitlin. celine got a hat when she was visiting a few weeks ago- and there are more to come!
~i started hanging out with some girls from work! i went to a bbq this weekend with some of them- and while i was nervous at first- because i didn't really know a lot of people and i'm pretty sure i was the only single person there, but it was fun! and i'm glad that i went- and i told myself "diana- when people invite you places, you go- because otherwise you stop getting invited". and so i went, and i had fun, and i hope to do it again!
i have been working on the positivity thing- it is hard to remember sometimes. i'm also working on flossing daily, but i think i've increased my flossing at least, which is good. i am also working on telling people i care about them. i think it's important, especially because i've been so out of it lately- it feels nice to reconnect with people.
i am actively trying to ride a vespa- i keep seeing them everywhere! but there's never anyone on one that i can ask for a ride. plus, it will be super creepy of me to approach someone on their vespa and ask for a ride around the block- but i feel like somehow i can make this happen.
i'm also still in the process of cleaning/streamlining. i cleaned the bedroom when my mom was visiting two weeks ago- so that was progress. Still have to work on the living room though. help is always appreciated!!!
things i'm adding to my list for the summer:
the magic garden
keep trying to teach myself how to whistle
maybe learn to cartwheel
i think that one month into summer i'm doing a pretty good job of tackling the list. who knows- maybe by fall i really will have done them all!!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
the selfish side of life
when i look at some of the things i write on this blog (including my last post), i feel sometimes that it's all self indulgent shmaltzy bullshit. no one wants to read this. i write it to try and make myself feel better. i should maybe just keep a journal.
but.
my friend jane told me to write. to keep writing when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm...whatever. so that in the future i can go back and look at it and be like 'hmm so that is how i was feeling, interesting'. will this help? who knows? lucky for you i have agreed to keep writing about how i feel.
and i realize that lately what i have been feeling is selfish. i have my reasons. they are somewhat valid, if not completely so. but they are what they are. i don't want to make excuses. i have been completely and totally wrapped up in my own shit. this involves work- adjusting to my new job (which is more boring and i don't want to talk about), and my pathetic love life.
for the past six months my love life has been as follows:
girl meets boy.
girl likes boy.
boy is fucked up which should turn girl off, but does not.
girl dates boy.
boy breaks girl's heart by deciding he wants to go back to his ex girlfriend
girl cuts off boy and goes out with no fewer than four Other boys- none of whom she likes as much
girl is considering taking a break from dating
boy makes vague attempt to reach out after having been dumped, again, by the ex he left girl for
girl and boy reconnect, decide to become friends
girl tries to create boundaries for herself- fails.
girl and boy quickly go back to being close, but do not date.
girl pretends this is all ok, shoves any attempts at feelings aside
girl and boy get drunk, make some potentially bad decisions
girl realizes feelings don't just go away because we want them to
boy is too fucked up to stop this train wreck
girl decides she has to let boy go in order to regain control of her life. girl breaks her own heart in making this decision. girl asks boy to help by letting her go. boy agrees.
girl cries.
annnnd scene.
with all that emotion going on, it's no wonder i have been selfish. and heartbreak does not make it easier. heartbreak has the potential to make one even More selfish- although, i'm going to try hard to get out of that pattern. i think maybe focusing on other people and things will help. something has to help. but i just don't know how much extra emotion i have at the moment.
so i apologize for my selfishness. i apologize if i haven't been around enough, or attentive enough. or preoccupied with my own head and heart. i will try to do better, while at the same time try to take better care of myself and avoid repeating past mistakes.
it's all really a work in progress. i hope you understand.
but.
my friend jane told me to write. to keep writing when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm...whatever. so that in the future i can go back and look at it and be like 'hmm so that is how i was feeling, interesting'. will this help? who knows? lucky for you i have agreed to keep writing about how i feel.
and i realize that lately what i have been feeling is selfish. i have my reasons. they are somewhat valid, if not completely so. but they are what they are. i don't want to make excuses. i have been completely and totally wrapped up in my own shit. this involves work- adjusting to my new job (which is more boring and i don't want to talk about), and my pathetic love life.
for the past six months my love life has been as follows:
girl meets boy.
girl likes boy.
boy is fucked up which should turn girl off, but does not.
girl dates boy.
boy breaks girl's heart by deciding he wants to go back to his ex girlfriend
girl cuts off boy and goes out with no fewer than four Other boys- none of whom she likes as much
girl is considering taking a break from dating
boy makes vague attempt to reach out after having been dumped, again, by the ex he left girl for
girl and boy reconnect, decide to become friends
girl tries to create boundaries for herself- fails.
girl and boy quickly go back to being close, but do not date.
girl pretends this is all ok, shoves any attempts at feelings aside
girl and boy get drunk, make some potentially bad decisions
girl realizes feelings don't just go away because we want them to
boy is too fucked up to stop this train wreck
girl decides she has to let boy go in order to regain control of her life. girl breaks her own heart in making this decision. girl asks boy to help by letting her go. boy agrees.
girl cries.
annnnd scene.
with all that emotion going on, it's no wonder i have been selfish. and heartbreak does not make it easier. heartbreak has the potential to make one even More selfish- although, i'm going to try hard to get out of that pattern. i think maybe focusing on other people and things will help. something has to help. but i just don't know how much extra emotion i have at the moment.
so i apologize for my selfishness. i apologize if i haven't been around enough, or attentive enough. or preoccupied with my own head and heart. i will try to do better, while at the same time try to take better care of myself and avoid repeating past mistakes.
it's all really a work in progress. i hope you understand.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
it has been an interesting few days.
what i know is that life doesn't stop because i am on an emotional roller coaster. my friends continue to exist and have problems and get exciting news and need or want to talk to me. my cat continues to curl up on my lap at night and purr when i'm around and kiss my arms to make me feel better. my mom continues to call and check in and let me know what ballet she saw this week and which meal my grandmother seemed to enjoy the best.
and somehow, somewhere in there, small changes seep in if you let them.
let me go back. jimmie the psychic told me to spend 21 months focusing on myself. learning my worth. my therapist told me to love myself more and put myself first. my friends tell me that i'm lovable and amazing and they will always be there for me. and it took me until the last few days to start believing they were all on to something.
i didn't even know it was there until it was- in my conscious thought, screaming: "ENOUGH NOW. YOU COME FIRST." i realized that i have choices, and i have a voice- a strong one, and i can use it. i know what is best for me, and i'm the only one who can make that happen.
and while change is hard, and letting people go is hard, and realizing that friendships change is hard- this is life. and so while i feel sad, i also feel oddly calm. because i know that i am making the right choices, and i am sticking up for myself. it may feel crappy and i might want to cry or scream or never get out of bed again, but those feelings will pass- and i will be left with the knowledge that i tried, and i care, and i continue to learn and experience and grow. and in the end i will be so so much better for it.
and i do want to be better. nicer to myself, more attentive to my friends, more available to the people who sincerely care about me and want me to let them in. better at life.
and so i will continue to work on it. and keep trying to laugh instead of wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. and look for the signs from the universe that i am going in the right direction.
there was a lightening bug in my apartment tonight. at first i thought it was a gross scary looking thing, until it lit up- and i saw that it was harmless and wonderful. mimi told me it was a sign, but i'm just looking at it as a reminder.
what i know is that life doesn't stop because i am on an emotional roller coaster. my friends continue to exist and have problems and get exciting news and need or want to talk to me. my cat continues to curl up on my lap at night and purr when i'm around and kiss my arms to make me feel better. my mom continues to call and check in and let me know what ballet she saw this week and which meal my grandmother seemed to enjoy the best.
and somehow, somewhere in there, small changes seep in if you let them.
let me go back. jimmie the psychic told me to spend 21 months focusing on myself. learning my worth. my therapist told me to love myself more and put myself first. my friends tell me that i'm lovable and amazing and they will always be there for me. and it took me until the last few days to start believing they were all on to something.
i didn't even know it was there until it was- in my conscious thought, screaming: "ENOUGH NOW. YOU COME FIRST." i realized that i have choices, and i have a voice- a strong one, and i can use it. i know what is best for me, and i'm the only one who can make that happen.
and while change is hard, and letting people go is hard, and realizing that friendships change is hard- this is life. and so while i feel sad, i also feel oddly calm. because i know that i am making the right choices, and i am sticking up for myself. it may feel crappy and i might want to cry or scream or never get out of bed again, but those feelings will pass- and i will be left with the knowledge that i tried, and i care, and i continue to learn and experience and grow. and in the end i will be so so much better for it.
and i do want to be better. nicer to myself, more attentive to my friends, more available to the people who sincerely care about me and want me to let them in. better at life.
and so i will continue to work on it. and keep trying to laugh instead of wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. and look for the signs from the universe that i am going in the right direction.
there was a lightening bug in my apartment tonight. at first i thought it was a gross scary looking thing, until it lit up- and i saw that it was harmless and wonderful. mimi told me it was a sign, but i'm just looking at it as a reminder.
Friday, June 3, 2011
first friday = free fun (aka- why i love lisa)
i was feeling very conflicted about what to do tonight. when i got out of work this afternoon i had a few options, but honestly the thing that sounded the best was taking a nap and just waiting for it to be tomorrow. luckily for me a) i've gotten better at ignoring that option and b) lisa called.
oh lisa. you are so fun. not only is lisa one of my only single friends in philly- she loves to go out and do fun things and meet people. since i'm still in my 'just say yes to things' phase of things when she called asking if i wanted to do first friday and then head up to north bowl to go to a fundraiser for our friend kristen's job, i said "yes. of course. sure!" (something like that, but equally enthusiastic). this led me to forgo the nap, go visit kelly for one of our regular life pep talks (this one about my recently purchased bikini and her 'sexy mole' that apparently has moved with age...long story) and get my shit together to go out for the night.
and let me tell you- it was grand! its gorgeous outside, lisa is fun, first friday is awesome, and i was wearing one of my favorite navy blue tops. i mean really- good things all around. and then you throw in "i think if we go to third street there's free alcohol somewhere"- i mean, hello. we are there. lisa and i are jewish, and i don't think i'm being rude to say- we dig free shit. for reals. free mini bottles of shampoo? sure! free brownie/marshmallow/rice crispie treat? yes please! free ORGANIC ROOT LIQUEUR mixed with gingerale or birch beer? ummmm, can i park it here all night? (cause i'm gonna....) i'm pretty sure there was also some free cheese somewhere in there, and then later- when we finally did stroll over to north bowl, free dinner. also- free compliments from men on the street (ha, we must stay in good spirits, i'm pretty sure they meant well)
however- here is an amusing anecdote about how i am terrible with men:
while in line for round two of root liqueur (free, again)- a cute hipsterish fellow carrying a bike helmet and wearing plaid came and stood behind us in line. i had a tiny fleeting hope that maybe he had a vespa (please see previous post- riding a vespa is on my list of things to do this summer, it might as well belong to a cute boy). i inquired about his helmet, which was for a bike (let's face it- he's a hipster. he probably lives in west philly or no libs and bikes everywhere), and we started chatting. schuyler- his real name- is from upstate new york. i know a thing or two about upstate new york, having went to school there and having friends who are from there, and also i'm going there next weekend for a wedding. new friend schuyler knew exactly where i am going next weekend, and thinks he might know the dj for my friends wedding (random? yes. and yet, i was not at all surprised by this- my life works like this sometimes). i was like- ok i will go talk to the dj at the wedding next week and let you know if it's the guy you know- but how will i tell you? ohh right this is where we exchange names and then he tells me to "look him up on facebook"- because that's how it's done now. and i'm all "ok. i will really do this. don't be surprised when a picture of a hula girl tries to befriend you on facebook". by this time he does seem to be a genuinely nice person (and of age, i checked), and we've all gotten our root liqueur and i got antsy to go back outside. i was like "wait, are you here by yourself?" (i think i would have found it endearing if he was, but also a little odd)- but no he was with friends who were back in line for root liqueur. and the thought crossed my mind "oh ok good he has friends so we can go and we're not leaving him alone or anything"- so i was like- ok well have a fun night! see you on facebook! and then lisa and i left. we had not stepped more than 1 foot outside when lisa was like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HE THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE". huh? i don't understand. i talk to random strangers all the time. this doesn't mean anything. was i supposed to do something different?
lisa: "he was there with FRIENDS, way to be my wingman, i would have stayed in there drinking more root liqueur!!! you are bad at this!"
me: frowny face. "oh. i didn't really realize what was happening. i thought we wanted to walk around? it was getting hot in there? i'm pretty sure he didn't actually think i was cute- he was just nice!"
lisa: "seriously? you are bad at this"
me: "perhaps this is why i'm always single"...."sorry i'm a shitty wingman"
thankfully lisa didn't hold this against me, and we continued on our way to free cheese tasting, finding a possible new brunch spot, meeting a cool guy who makes awesome jewelry, and heading up to north bowl- where i promptly housed some free salad and tater tots (they are the best tots, as voted by the WTTO- world tater tot organization. do not try to resist). we also made friends with a friendly white rasta man who owns an interesting store near the bowling alley, took pictures in a photobooth (to be posted at a later date perhaps) and saw a girl hula-hooping with fire, before we called it a night. and i'm pretty sure i only spent about $18, including the cab ride home.
best friday night in a while.
oh, and i totally came home and found schuyler on facebook.
tomorrow: ROHOBETH! :)
oh lisa. you are so fun. not only is lisa one of my only single friends in philly- she loves to go out and do fun things and meet people. since i'm still in my 'just say yes to things' phase of things when she called asking if i wanted to do first friday and then head up to north bowl to go to a fundraiser for our friend kristen's job, i said "yes. of course. sure!" (something like that, but equally enthusiastic). this led me to forgo the nap, go visit kelly for one of our regular life pep talks (this one about my recently purchased bikini and her 'sexy mole' that apparently has moved with age...long story) and get my shit together to go out for the night.
and let me tell you- it was grand! its gorgeous outside, lisa is fun, first friday is awesome, and i was wearing one of my favorite navy blue tops. i mean really- good things all around. and then you throw in "i think if we go to third street there's free alcohol somewhere"- i mean, hello. we are there. lisa and i are jewish, and i don't think i'm being rude to say- we dig free shit. for reals. free mini bottles of shampoo? sure! free brownie/marshmallow/rice crispie treat? yes please! free ORGANIC ROOT LIQUEUR mixed with gingerale or birch beer? ummmm, can i park it here all night? (cause i'm gonna....) i'm pretty sure there was also some free cheese somewhere in there, and then later- when we finally did stroll over to north bowl, free dinner. also- free compliments from men on the street (ha, we must stay in good spirits, i'm pretty sure they meant well)
however- here is an amusing anecdote about how i am terrible with men:
while in line for round two of root liqueur (free, again)- a cute hipsterish fellow carrying a bike helmet and wearing plaid came and stood behind us in line. i had a tiny fleeting hope that maybe he had a vespa (please see previous post- riding a vespa is on my list of things to do this summer, it might as well belong to a cute boy). i inquired about his helmet, which was for a bike (let's face it- he's a hipster. he probably lives in west philly or no libs and bikes everywhere), and we started chatting. schuyler- his real name- is from upstate new york. i know a thing or two about upstate new york, having went to school there and having friends who are from there, and also i'm going there next weekend for a wedding. new friend schuyler knew exactly where i am going next weekend, and thinks he might know the dj for my friends wedding (random? yes. and yet, i was not at all surprised by this- my life works like this sometimes). i was like- ok i will go talk to the dj at the wedding next week and let you know if it's the guy you know- but how will i tell you? ohh right this is where we exchange names and then he tells me to "look him up on facebook"- because that's how it's done now. and i'm all "ok. i will really do this. don't be surprised when a picture of a hula girl tries to befriend you on facebook". by this time he does seem to be a genuinely nice person (and of age, i checked), and we've all gotten our root liqueur and i got antsy to go back outside. i was like "wait, are you here by yourself?" (i think i would have found it endearing if he was, but also a little odd)- but no he was with friends who were back in line for root liqueur. and the thought crossed my mind "oh ok good he has friends so we can go and we're not leaving him alone or anything"- so i was like- ok well have a fun night! see you on facebook! and then lisa and i left. we had not stepped more than 1 foot outside when lisa was like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HE THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE". huh? i don't understand. i talk to random strangers all the time. this doesn't mean anything. was i supposed to do something different?
lisa: "he was there with FRIENDS, way to be my wingman, i would have stayed in there drinking more root liqueur!!! you are bad at this!"
me: frowny face. "oh. i didn't really realize what was happening. i thought we wanted to walk around? it was getting hot in there? i'm pretty sure he didn't actually think i was cute- he was just nice!"
lisa: "seriously? you are bad at this"
me: "perhaps this is why i'm always single"...."sorry i'm a shitty wingman"
thankfully lisa didn't hold this against me, and we continued on our way to free cheese tasting, finding a possible new brunch spot, meeting a cool guy who makes awesome jewelry, and heading up to north bowl- where i promptly housed some free salad and tater tots (they are the best tots, as voted by the WTTO- world tater tot organization. do not try to resist). we also made friends with a friendly white rasta man who owns an interesting store near the bowling alley, took pictures in a photobooth (to be posted at a later date perhaps) and saw a girl hula-hooping with fire, before we called it a night. and i'm pretty sure i only spent about $18, including the cab ride home.
best friday night in a while.
oh, and i totally came home and found schuyler on facebook.
tomorrow: ROHOBETH! :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
What I want to do with my summer (non-vacation)
I don't know if any of you noticed- but it's hot as balls outside today.
(also, as a side note, why does that phrase exist?)
Anyhoozle, i was thinking about what i want to do this summer. Jimmie (my psychic partner) told me to focus on me for the next 21 months. so what i have promptly done is...not that. time to make a change!
positivity! focusing inward! creating goals! staying away from angst and negative energy!! sure? i'll give it a try.
I am going on a summer vacation (italy, it will be so nice to see you again)- but the summer is oh so long and my vacation is teeny tiny short. so i have to start making plans for the rest of summer.
the following is the beginnings of my list of things to do in the summer of 2011 (which is not the summer of george, but might be the summer of diana- fingers crossed):
finally go to gettysburg (*there will be a whole other post about my new favorite book "the killer angels" and its amazingness/gettysburg)
tour the battleship new jersey
go back to the art museum
tour Eastern State Penitentiary
be able to run 5 miles
ride on a vespa
start hanging out with my new work friends...outside of work, thereby feeling like i am Actually friends with them
knit more hats- hats for everyone!
finish the scarf i started (side note- why do scarfs seem to take so much longer to knit than hats?)
picnic at valley forge
random weekend trip/road trip
kiss a sailor
become a more positive person
worry less
learn to bake something new
eat more seafood
go to Rohobeth!
spend 5 minutes each day thinking about all the good positive people in my life, instead of focusing too much energy on the bad ones (*also- get rid of negative people in my life)
tell people i care about that i care about them
pick up a cute guy on the train
finish cleaning out my apartment/streamlining my life and possessions
floss daily
laugh more
i think this is a good start. to be fair, i do have plans to do a number of these things- but hopefully come fall i will be able to say i've done them all!
stay tuned....
(also, as a side note, why does that phrase exist?)
Anyhoozle, i was thinking about what i want to do this summer. Jimmie (my psychic partner) told me to focus on me for the next 21 months. so what i have promptly done is...not that. time to make a change!
positivity! focusing inward! creating goals! staying away from angst and negative energy!! sure? i'll give it a try.
I am going on a summer vacation (italy, it will be so nice to see you again)- but the summer is oh so long and my vacation is teeny tiny short. so i have to start making plans for the rest of summer.
the following is the beginnings of my list of things to do in the summer of 2011 (which is not the summer of george, but might be the summer of diana- fingers crossed):
finally go to gettysburg (*there will be a whole other post about my new favorite book "the killer angels" and its amazingness/gettysburg)
tour the battleship new jersey
go back to the art museum
tour Eastern State Penitentiary
be able to run 5 miles
ride on a vespa
start hanging out with my new work friends...outside of work, thereby feeling like i am Actually friends with them
knit more hats- hats for everyone!
finish the scarf i started (side note- why do scarfs seem to take so much longer to knit than hats?)
picnic at valley forge
random weekend trip/road trip
kiss a sailor
become a more positive person
worry less
learn to bake something new
eat more seafood
go to Rohobeth!
spend 5 minutes each day thinking about all the good positive people in my life, instead of focusing too much energy on the bad ones (*also- get rid of negative people in my life)
tell people i care about that i care about them
pick up a cute guy on the train
finish cleaning out my apartment/streamlining my life and possessions
floss daily
laugh more
i think this is a good start. to be fair, i do have plans to do a number of these things- but hopefully come fall i will be able to say i've done them all!
stay tuned....
Sunday, May 15, 2011
who told you that- your psychic partner?
guess who saw a psychic this weekend?
in order to see a psychic and pay for it and not feel like a chump, you have to suspend some disbelief and be open to the general idea of psychics and aura's and energy and people being able to tell you what might happen to you. clearly, i'm all over this idea.
so my waxer (and bff), jenne, has been recommending this particular psychic to me for a while now. she had a party where he was the main event and did readings for people- and he was a big hit. apparently he's well known in the "people who believe in psychic" circles of south philly. mhm. put that in your pipe and smoke it. his name is jimmie bay, and every second saturday he does reading at Black and Brew in south philly- which is the cheapest way to see him. so i called ahead and set up a time, and arrived at the coffee shop to see what my future has in store for me.
and jimmie was interesting. he's a short, sweet gay guy. he tells it like it is. when you sit down you write your name and birthday on a piece of paper for him- and he reads your energy in your handwriting. there's also something about your birthday and numbers and he can tell something from that- so he starts there.
apparently i'm a 2. this means i'm an extremist and i'm loyal and i'm determined, i like things to make sense and i like proof of how things work (this sounds strangely the same as if i were to look up what it means to be a capricorn, but i keep listening). apparently i have a 'scientific mind' (ummm no?). also- i have an excellent memory (well, yes, that is true). and- here's where i really started paying attention: i'm supposed to be partnered this year. apparently. so says jimmie. he said if i'm dating someone i should pay attention and get things 'in order' (in order to what?- i believe he responded "in order, like- make sure you want the same things and are on the same page"). and if i'm Not currently dating someone, i Should be. because this is an important year for me. a Year for me to Date and be "Partnered" (i could write a whole other blog on that word alone).
well, thanks jimmie. i believe i asked him "ok well where should i find him then? if it's so important?" (crickets on that one) he said any men currently in my life are noncommittal and unimportant (yes). i've had one big relationship (can we call it that really? i was so young and stupid)- which involved a lot of hurt and head games. but i'm not supposed to be alone forever! jimmie thinks i should be getting married by the time i'm 32. well, he said that i will be "settled in my relationship" by then. i interpreted that as marriage, but maybe i'll end up as one of those goldie hawn/kurt russell relationships where we are together but don't get married for years. i could maybe do that. as long as kids are involved. i definitely want kids (jimmie says kids love me- they 'fall under my umbrella'- no idea what that means, but he sees 3 or 4 in my future). also- my future life partner might be 3-4 years older than me, and have lighter hair and lighter eyes (which is interesting because i like brunettes). also- he's Short. like, 5'6" or 5'7" short. WHY UNIVERSE WHY- i am sick of shorter guys! why bother making me tall if i'm supposed to send up with a short guy? jimmie told me to get over the external because this man will treat me like i deserve to be treated- namely, like a goddess. fine jimmie, way to put me in my place.
he also picked up in the fact that i settle easily in relationships. he looked me straight in the face and said "you deserve to be loved. you need to know that. know your worth. why are you settling all the time?" well gee jimmie, get out of my head. stop reading the sign on my forehead that says "internalized low self esteem in intimate relationships" (its a long sign). i have more leg work to do before i'm ready for my forever-man, apparently. because i have to learn to put my foot down and stand up for myself and let myself be adored. oh, he also said i need to be more mysterious. to which i said "yes jimmie, but HOW", and he said "don't give yourself away so soon. keep some things to yourself". this is an interesting point- i do notice that if i like someone, i'm pretty open with them. maybe i do let people in too quickly...which can lead to disappointment and hurt. but isn't purposely staying mysterious like playing a game? i'm not good at mind games. i don't like them. plus- if i know who i am and am comfortable with it, why am i keeping it mysterious? see? this is why i have problems dating apparently. i'm not mysterious and i settle on the wrong men who aren't worth my time. even jimmie could tell. (i swear i think he was giving me a look that was like "giiiirl, no"- but maybe that was just my imagination)
i decided to test jimmie by asking about some family members- and on a few he was spot on. for instance, he knew that arielle and ben needed to "upgrade their space" before they have a baby. i didn't even tell him they lived in new york! and live in shoe box! so major points for that. also, he told me that my dad is logical and improving with age, but he disappoints because he doesn't intervene as often a he should. haha check and check jimmie. that is kind of a random thing to just pull out of the air. how did he know that? (i don't want to get into a whole diatribe on my dad- i love him dearly) i didn't want to spend too much time on family though, because- hello- i'm the one paying, focus on ME. but i did think what he had to say about family was interesting. thanks for the input, jimmie.
he wrapped it up by telling me that i should add some freelance or consulting work to my life. now, i think this is a general thing you could say to anyone and it would likely fit, unless you're like, a barista or something. but i have been thinking about whether or not to take on some private clients. and jimmie gave me the go ahead to test the waters. we'll see where i go with this.
so- to recap. my psychic partner (jimmie) told me that i'm not going to be alone forever, that i should be dating ("you haven't gone through enough men yet- be a floozy if you need to") this year, that i am not going to be an old maid cat lady, that kids adore me, that i'm lacking mystery but i have a good memory and that i should be doing more freelance work. i think he ended by looking at me and saying "trust yourself, you're gonna be ok".
thanks for the support, jimmie. you totally earned your fee*.
*which was $40. stop judging me now. he's a psychic, he has to make a living somehow.
in order to see a psychic and pay for it and not feel like a chump, you have to suspend some disbelief and be open to the general idea of psychics and aura's and energy and people being able to tell you what might happen to you. clearly, i'm all over this idea.
so my waxer (and bff), jenne, has been recommending this particular psychic to me for a while now. she had a party where he was the main event and did readings for people- and he was a big hit. apparently he's well known in the "people who believe in psychic" circles of south philly. mhm. put that in your pipe and smoke it. his name is jimmie bay, and every second saturday he does reading at Black and Brew in south philly- which is the cheapest way to see him. so i called ahead and set up a time, and arrived at the coffee shop to see what my future has in store for me.
and jimmie was interesting. he's a short, sweet gay guy. he tells it like it is. when you sit down you write your name and birthday on a piece of paper for him- and he reads your energy in your handwriting. there's also something about your birthday and numbers and he can tell something from that- so he starts there.
apparently i'm a 2. this means i'm an extremist and i'm loyal and i'm determined, i like things to make sense and i like proof of how things work (this sounds strangely the same as if i were to look up what it means to be a capricorn, but i keep listening). apparently i have a 'scientific mind' (ummm no?). also- i have an excellent memory (well, yes, that is true). and- here's where i really started paying attention: i'm supposed to be partnered this year. apparently. so says jimmie. he said if i'm dating someone i should pay attention and get things 'in order' (in order to what?- i believe he responded "in order, like- make sure you want the same things and are on the same page"). and if i'm Not currently dating someone, i Should be. because this is an important year for me. a Year for me to Date and be "Partnered" (i could write a whole other blog on that word alone).
well, thanks jimmie. i believe i asked him "ok well where should i find him then? if it's so important?" (crickets on that one) he said any men currently in my life are noncommittal and unimportant (yes). i've had one big relationship (can we call it that really? i was so young and stupid)- which involved a lot of hurt and head games. but i'm not supposed to be alone forever! jimmie thinks i should be getting married by the time i'm 32. well, he said that i will be "settled in my relationship" by then. i interpreted that as marriage, but maybe i'll end up as one of those goldie hawn/kurt russell relationships where we are together but don't get married for years. i could maybe do that. as long as kids are involved. i definitely want kids (jimmie says kids love me- they 'fall under my umbrella'- no idea what that means, but he sees 3 or 4 in my future). also- my future life partner might be 3-4 years older than me, and have lighter hair and lighter eyes (which is interesting because i like brunettes). also- he's Short. like, 5'6" or 5'7" short. WHY UNIVERSE WHY- i am sick of shorter guys! why bother making me tall if i'm supposed to send up with a short guy? jimmie told me to get over the external because this man will treat me like i deserve to be treated- namely, like a goddess. fine jimmie, way to put me in my place.
he also picked up in the fact that i settle easily in relationships. he looked me straight in the face and said "you deserve to be loved. you need to know that. know your worth. why are you settling all the time?" well gee jimmie, get out of my head. stop reading the sign on my forehead that says "internalized low self esteem in intimate relationships" (its a long sign). i have more leg work to do before i'm ready for my forever-man, apparently. because i have to learn to put my foot down and stand up for myself and let myself be adored. oh, he also said i need to be more mysterious. to which i said "yes jimmie, but HOW", and he said "don't give yourself away so soon. keep some things to yourself". this is an interesting point- i do notice that if i like someone, i'm pretty open with them. maybe i do let people in too quickly...which can lead to disappointment and hurt. but isn't purposely staying mysterious like playing a game? i'm not good at mind games. i don't like them. plus- if i know who i am and am comfortable with it, why am i keeping it mysterious? see? this is why i have problems dating apparently. i'm not mysterious and i settle on the wrong men who aren't worth my time. even jimmie could tell. (i swear i think he was giving me a look that was like "giiiirl, no"- but maybe that was just my imagination)
i decided to test jimmie by asking about some family members- and on a few he was spot on. for instance, he knew that arielle and ben needed to "upgrade their space" before they have a baby. i didn't even tell him they lived in new york! and live in shoe box! so major points for that. also, he told me that my dad is logical and improving with age, but he disappoints because he doesn't intervene as often a he should. haha check and check jimmie. that is kind of a random thing to just pull out of the air. how did he know that? (i don't want to get into a whole diatribe on my dad- i love him dearly) i didn't want to spend too much time on family though, because- hello- i'm the one paying, focus on ME. but i did think what he had to say about family was interesting. thanks for the input, jimmie.
he wrapped it up by telling me that i should add some freelance or consulting work to my life. now, i think this is a general thing you could say to anyone and it would likely fit, unless you're like, a barista or something. but i have been thinking about whether or not to take on some private clients. and jimmie gave me the go ahead to test the waters. we'll see where i go with this.
so- to recap. my psychic partner (jimmie) told me that i'm not going to be alone forever, that i should be dating ("you haven't gone through enough men yet- be a floozy if you need to") this year, that i am not going to be an old maid cat lady, that kids adore me, that i'm lacking mystery but i have a good memory and that i should be doing more freelance work. i think he ended by looking at me and saying "trust yourself, you're gonna be ok".
thanks for the support, jimmie. you totally earned your fee*.
*which was $40. stop judging me now. he's a psychic, he has to make a living somehow.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
a club for readers. (aka- book club)
so a few years ago when i was going through a phase (which happens every so often), my mom suggested i "join some clubs and meet some new people". to which my response was "umm this isn't high school- what do you mean 'join some clubs'?". but nevertheless i went online and found meetup.com, where i found a plethora of clubs i could join.
i spent a few hours perusing my options, and settled on the philadelphia metro book club. i've always wanted to belong to a book club- because in my mind book clubs are filled with women who get together and drink wine and say deep things about life while also reading good books and looking fabulous.
so- while i've always wanted to be a part of a nice book club, i joined the one online, told my mom, and then promptly never went to a meeting.
cut to...well, now. a few months ago my friend kristin brought up meetup.com in a conversation about trying to find new people in the city, and i remembered that i had joined this book club a while back, and should maybe look into going to a meeting. i used to get emails saying what book the club was reading and where the meetings were, but i never went to a single one, and eventually just started ignoring the emails. and then last fall the guy who ran the book club retired because his wife (who he MET at book club) had had a baby and they were really too busy to be organizing a philly book club. however- shortly after kristin brought it up, a new guy took over book club and revived it- leading to some new emails inviting me to meetings (luckily right near my neighborhood) to discuss books. and one of the books actually sounded interesting! so i bought it (used, on amazon), and actually read it in preparation for my very first metro philadelphia book club meeting!!
so- last night, at 6:30pm, i showed up at the Dark Horse Pub for my first book club meeting. i knew no one, but i had read the book and was ready to talk about it. according to the emails, 11 readers were scheduled to go. i was ten minutes late (due to an after work nap that ran long...and the fact that i'm usually five minutes late to things), but there was a small group standing outside the bar and one guy was holding the book! so i found my people! i introduced myself around, found out i was not the only new person to the club, and settled right in. there were 7 or 8 of us in all, we put some tables together, ordered some beer and food, and started sharing opinions. and it was actually really cool!! i don't know why but i'm always surprised when things work out and are pleasant- as opposed to being odd and sketchy. there were, of course- two kooky ladies- one middle aged jewish lady with crazy frizzy hair who kept saying odd things, and a short quieter lady who is a teacher and kept complaining she couldn't hear anything... but everyone else was pretty interesting and normal. there were a lot of mixed reviews of the book- (which i forgot to mention, was "A Gate at the Stairs" by Loorie Moore"), and the conversation was both interesting and lively. and at one point i looked around and in my head thought "hm, this is pretty cool. i'm glad i did this". it wasn't exactly what i had always imagined in my head- namely, we were drinking beer (not wine), there were men there (which is a plus, actually), and i didn't feel as fabulous as i do when imagining book club in my mind. but i suppose the fact that i finally went to a meeting and enjoyed it means it was worth it. i don't yet know if i'm going to make any long lasting friends from this group, but i'll probably go to another book club meeting in the future. in fact- there's a meeting memorial day weekend i think to discuss Killer Angels- a book about the battle of gettysburg i've been meaning to read for a while. this will give me a good excuse to finally do it!
moral of my random story- put yourself out there. read books. have opinions. share. :)
i spent a few hours perusing my options, and settled on the philadelphia metro book club. i've always wanted to belong to a book club- because in my mind book clubs are filled with women who get together and drink wine and say deep things about life while also reading good books and looking fabulous.
so- while i've always wanted to be a part of a nice book club, i joined the one online, told my mom, and then promptly never went to a meeting.
cut to...well, now. a few months ago my friend kristin brought up meetup.com in a conversation about trying to find new people in the city, and i remembered that i had joined this book club a while back, and should maybe look into going to a meeting. i used to get emails saying what book the club was reading and where the meetings were, but i never went to a single one, and eventually just started ignoring the emails. and then last fall the guy who ran the book club retired because his wife (who he MET at book club) had had a baby and they were really too busy to be organizing a philly book club. however- shortly after kristin brought it up, a new guy took over book club and revived it- leading to some new emails inviting me to meetings (luckily right near my neighborhood) to discuss books. and one of the books actually sounded interesting! so i bought it (used, on amazon), and actually read it in preparation for my very first metro philadelphia book club meeting!!
so- last night, at 6:30pm, i showed up at the Dark Horse Pub for my first book club meeting. i knew no one, but i had read the book and was ready to talk about it. according to the emails, 11 readers were scheduled to go. i was ten minutes late (due to an after work nap that ran long...and the fact that i'm usually five minutes late to things), but there was a small group standing outside the bar and one guy was holding the book! so i found my people! i introduced myself around, found out i was not the only new person to the club, and settled right in. there were 7 or 8 of us in all, we put some tables together, ordered some beer and food, and started sharing opinions. and it was actually really cool!! i don't know why but i'm always surprised when things work out and are pleasant- as opposed to being odd and sketchy. there were, of course- two kooky ladies- one middle aged jewish lady with crazy frizzy hair who kept saying odd things, and a short quieter lady who is a teacher and kept complaining she couldn't hear anything... but everyone else was pretty interesting and normal. there were a lot of mixed reviews of the book- (which i forgot to mention, was "A Gate at the Stairs" by Loorie Moore"), and the conversation was both interesting and lively. and at one point i looked around and in my head thought "hm, this is pretty cool. i'm glad i did this". it wasn't exactly what i had always imagined in my head- namely, we were drinking beer (not wine), there were men there (which is a plus, actually), and i didn't feel as fabulous as i do when imagining book club in my mind. but i suppose the fact that i finally went to a meeting and enjoyed it means it was worth it. i don't yet know if i'm going to make any long lasting friends from this group, but i'll probably go to another book club meeting in the future. in fact- there's a meeting memorial day weekend i think to discuss Killer Angels- a book about the battle of gettysburg i've been meaning to read for a while. this will give me a good excuse to finally do it!
moral of my random story- put yourself out there. read books. have opinions. share. :)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
everyone should have an annie potts in their life
have you ever seen the movie pretty in pink? of course you have, who am i talking to. well, if i'm being honest it's not my favorite molly ringwald movie (that's probably 16 candles- the breakfast club doesn't count b/c it's more of an ensemble piece. i digress) however i keep thinking about it lately. do you remember annie potts in that movie? she's molly's kooky boss at the record store? she wears weird clothing and lives in a crazy looking apartment and goes on dates for sushi with her hair all done up like she's on the cover of vogue or something.
well i have my very own annie potts in my life. and her name is kelly.
you may have heard me talk about kelly before. she owns the jewelry/accessories shop around the corner from me (the crystal cage: check it out), and over the years we have become friends. i bring everyone i know to that store- and the ones with a little more disposable income (aka- my mom, aunt and sometimes sister) have bought numerous things from her over the years. i think at christmas i said "we're having a very kelly christmas this year!" because Everyone was getting a present from her store.
but honestly, kelly is so much more than the store. she is- amazing. she has lived this crazy life and done everything you could think of. she's owned a bar, dated a football player, been engaged to a record producer, survived cancer, got a quickie marriage (and divorce) in vegas, moved to LA for a brief stint, and now is happily married and living in the suburbs, running this great store on antique row. she is, as i said before...amazing. i usually go visit her at least once a week to try on all the new jewelry and drink wine (she Always has wine) and chat about life. and she never fails to cheer me up.
this year though we've grown closer. i feel like she's actually my friend. when i'm sad i can go there. and have wine. and listen to her tell me stories about her life and give me pep talk about mine. to make me feel young and in charge of my life she told me the story of her 30th birthday- which ended in her puking on the sidewalk on south street with the guy from jim's steaks offering her the outdoor hose to rinse out her mouth. and see? somehow she's happy and successful- so i can be too!! (she's currently 42, so it's not like this was yesterday). she is always telling me that i have so much time to be wild and make mistakes and have fun and then get it all right. she knows i'm not actually wild and don't like making mistakes, but she's encouraging anyway.
her most recent encouragement has been by way of the vision board. in case you have no idea what i am talking about i will explain:
a vision board is a board (can be a poster board or cork board or mirror or anything that you can tack/tape things to) filled with things you want in your life. pictures, words, metaphors- it doesn't matter. whatever you want in life, short term, long term, as long a you really want it- goes on the vision board. you can add to it as you see fit, but you have to keep it around somewhere where you'll see it on a regular basis. and the idea is that you create this board of things that you want in your life and you look at it on a daily basis and imagine yourself having/getting those things. they can be material or relational or spiritual or whatever. for example, kelly used to have a the specific car she wanted (a blue jeep wrangler) on her first vision board- and eventually she got it and rode it all over the place for years. she also had santorini on there...she went for her 40th birthday. she had a $1200 gucci bag, and recently found it on sale for $400 ("the universe put it on sale"). she also has the house in the woods she's always wanted, and a picture of the pet turtle she wants to get once she's in the house.
this is the beauty of the vision board. you can be as specific as you want- and it's just for you! no one else has to see it! so there's no one to judge.
kelly and i were talking one day a few weeks ago about how crazy i've been feeling and how i fear i won't ever figure out the bigger picture of my life. and she said "honey, you've got loads of time...but you need to make a vision board!! put it out there to the universe what you want- and it will provide! but you've gotta ask! you've gotta want it and be positive and know that you're gonna get everything you've ever wanted!". apparently kelly has gotten everything she put on her first vision board, and quite a few things from her current one. and she looks at it everyday while she's on the treadmill.
this has been a common theme for me lately: ask and the universe will provide. you know how much i love talking to the universe. what started as a last ditch effort has now become a hobby. talking to the ether about what i'm doing with my life and how i want to better it- it's oddly comforting. and that's the whole thing behind the vision board. you figure out what you want in life- and you put it out there that you want it. and then you go about figuring out how to get it. (and you hope the universe is feeling generous).
kelly felt so strongly about me making a vision board she TOOK A MIRROR OFF THE WALL OF HER STORE and handed it to me to use. she likes using mirrors because that way you can put stuff on it and then leave a space in the middle to see yourself surrounded by all the things you want. and you have to stay positive, of course- something that is challenging for me sometimes. but it's something i've really been working on.
so- when your very own annie potts takes a mirror off of her store wall for you to create your very own vision board- you have you fucking do it. because how many people do that for you? believe in you and encourage you and let you drink a bottomless glass of wine while trying on jewelry they know you won't be buying. it's like the universe put her around the corner from me so that we could find each other. (i have brought her a lot of business, after all).
so, here:
here is a glimpse of my vision board. its a mirror-(so the middle part is a reflection of my living room)- but if you can see it you'll see there are a lot of random things on there. material (a diane von furstenberg wrap dress), travel destinations (egypt, manchu pichu- to start the ball rolling- more will be added shortly), and metaphorical- the yellow kitchen up in the corner stands for the house i someday want to own (with a porch and a library and a kitchen that will have yellow accents). and there are some other things on there i'm not explaining at the moment. but i'm doing it! putting out to the world what i want, so i can start figuring out and envisioning myself having these things.
and it works! i've already gotten two things on the vision board: 1. a pair of wellies that fit my fat calves :
and if you notice on the vision board i've put a picture of a bikini. that is two-fold. i've never had a bikini (a real one, i own tankini's- which are more...conservative), but also i don't think i've ever had the confidence to Wear a bikini. in public. near a body of water. with people around.
HOWEVER, this weekend i purchased my very first bikini. it's the prettiest shade of blue and i actually think it looks pretty good. i might even wear it this summer (still working on the confidence part, but there is a decent chance). i think it's because of the vision board that i even challenged myself to actually try on a bikini, much less find one i like and buy one. you might say the universe put the perfect bikini in my path!
so- while i am relatively new to the whole positivity/universe giving back/vision board mumbo jumbo- i am a believer in trying new things to make yourself happy. and i think this is worth a go.
i'll also have you know that kelly made me Bring my vision board into the shop for her to see last weekend- so she could check on my progress. annie potts apparently gives homework! she wants to make sure her advice isn't going on deaf ears! and i'm happy to say she was pleased with what i've done thus far. i'll keep adding to it and looking at it and try to put positive vibes out into the universe and see where it gets me.
if you are lucky enough to have your very own annie potts in your life, as i am, listen to them. they have lived. they have things to teach you. they can make you laugh and keep you from crying and make you feel so thankful for your life. hallelujah to that.
well i have my very own annie potts in my life. and her name is kelly.
you may have heard me talk about kelly before. she owns the jewelry/accessories shop around the corner from me (the crystal cage: check it out), and over the years we have become friends. i bring everyone i know to that store- and the ones with a little more disposable income (aka- my mom, aunt and sometimes sister) have bought numerous things from her over the years. i think at christmas i said "we're having a very kelly christmas this year!" because Everyone was getting a present from her store.
but honestly, kelly is so much more than the store. she is- amazing. she has lived this crazy life and done everything you could think of. she's owned a bar, dated a football player, been engaged to a record producer, survived cancer, got a quickie marriage (and divorce) in vegas, moved to LA for a brief stint, and now is happily married and living in the suburbs, running this great store on antique row. she is, as i said before...amazing. i usually go visit her at least once a week to try on all the new jewelry and drink wine (she Always has wine) and chat about life. and she never fails to cheer me up.
this year though we've grown closer. i feel like she's actually my friend. when i'm sad i can go there. and have wine. and listen to her tell me stories about her life and give me pep talk about mine. to make me feel young and in charge of my life she told me the story of her 30th birthday- which ended in her puking on the sidewalk on south street with the guy from jim's steaks offering her the outdoor hose to rinse out her mouth. and see? somehow she's happy and successful- so i can be too!! (she's currently 42, so it's not like this was yesterday). she is always telling me that i have so much time to be wild and make mistakes and have fun and then get it all right. she knows i'm not actually wild and don't like making mistakes, but she's encouraging anyway.
her most recent encouragement has been by way of the vision board. in case you have no idea what i am talking about i will explain:
a vision board is a board (can be a poster board or cork board or mirror or anything that you can tack/tape things to) filled with things you want in your life. pictures, words, metaphors- it doesn't matter. whatever you want in life, short term, long term, as long a you really want it- goes on the vision board. you can add to it as you see fit, but you have to keep it around somewhere where you'll see it on a regular basis. and the idea is that you create this board of things that you want in your life and you look at it on a daily basis and imagine yourself having/getting those things. they can be material or relational or spiritual or whatever. for example, kelly used to have a the specific car she wanted (a blue jeep wrangler) on her first vision board- and eventually she got it and rode it all over the place for years. she also had santorini on there...she went for her 40th birthday. she had a $1200 gucci bag, and recently found it on sale for $400 ("the universe put it on sale"). she also has the house in the woods she's always wanted, and a picture of the pet turtle she wants to get once she's in the house.
this is the beauty of the vision board. you can be as specific as you want- and it's just for you! no one else has to see it! so there's no one to judge.
kelly and i were talking one day a few weeks ago about how crazy i've been feeling and how i fear i won't ever figure out the bigger picture of my life. and she said "honey, you've got loads of time...but you need to make a vision board!! put it out there to the universe what you want- and it will provide! but you've gotta ask! you've gotta want it and be positive and know that you're gonna get everything you've ever wanted!". apparently kelly has gotten everything she put on her first vision board, and quite a few things from her current one. and she looks at it everyday while she's on the treadmill.
this has been a common theme for me lately: ask and the universe will provide. you know how much i love talking to the universe. what started as a last ditch effort has now become a hobby. talking to the ether about what i'm doing with my life and how i want to better it- it's oddly comforting. and that's the whole thing behind the vision board. you figure out what you want in life- and you put it out there that you want it. and then you go about figuring out how to get it. (and you hope the universe is feeling generous).
kelly felt so strongly about me making a vision board she TOOK A MIRROR OFF THE WALL OF HER STORE and handed it to me to use. she likes using mirrors because that way you can put stuff on it and then leave a space in the middle to see yourself surrounded by all the things you want. and you have to stay positive, of course- something that is challenging for me sometimes. but it's something i've really been working on.
so- when your very own annie potts takes a mirror off of her store wall for you to create your very own vision board- you have you fucking do it. because how many people do that for you? believe in you and encourage you and let you drink a bottomless glass of wine while trying on jewelry they know you won't be buying. it's like the universe put her around the corner from me so that we could find each other. (i have brought her a lot of business, after all).
here is a glimpse of my vision board. its a mirror-(so the middle part is a reflection of my living room)- but if you can see it you'll see there are a lot of random things on there. material (a diane von furstenberg wrap dress), travel destinations (egypt, manchu pichu- to start the ball rolling- more will be added shortly), and metaphorical- the yellow kitchen up in the corner stands for the house i someday want to own (with a porch and a library and a kitchen that will have yellow accents). and there are some other things on there i'm not explaining at the moment. but i'm doing it! putting out to the world what i want, so i can start figuring out and envisioning myself having these things.
and it works! i've already gotten two things on the vision board: 1. a pair of wellies that fit my fat calves :
HOWEVER, this weekend i purchased my very first bikini. it's the prettiest shade of blue and i actually think it looks pretty good. i might even wear it this summer (still working on the confidence part, but there is a decent chance). i think it's because of the vision board that i even challenged myself to actually try on a bikini, much less find one i like and buy one. you might say the universe put the perfect bikini in my path!
so- while i am relatively new to the whole positivity/universe giving back/vision board mumbo jumbo- i am a believer in trying new things to make yourself happy. and i think this is worth a go.
i'll also have you know that kelly made me Bring my vision board into the shop for her to see last weekend- so she could check on my progress. annie potts apparently gives homework! she wants to make sure her advice isn't going on deaf ears! and i'm happy to say she was pleased with what i've done thus far. i'll keep adding to it and looking at it and try to put positive vibes out into the universe and see where it gets me.
if you are lucky enough to have your very own annie potts in your life, as i am, listen to them. they have lived. they have things to teach you. they can make you laugh and keep you from crying and make you feel so thankful for your life. hallelujah to that.
Monday, April 25, 2011
it has come to my attention as of late, that i am struggling more than i realized. more than that- i seem to be caught up in a cycle of "why aren't i better" syndrome. this encompasses a lot of areas of my life, and the common thread is that i'm being too hard on myself. (and for that- just to bring the point home- i blame myself).
for example:
i have been trying to date this new guy. like, really really trying. and i think i have valid reasons for this. on paper- he's perfect for me. he possesses qualities i could never have hoped for in a million years. he has an ancestor who was on the lewis and clark expidition for christs sake! he can quote presidents at will. he loves maine and has been to civil war and revolutionary battlefields. he likes to sail. it's like someone found a list that i made of 'qualities i would like in a man' back when i was 18. and this guy showed up on my doorstep. the problem, of course, is that i don't really feel anything for him. as nice as he is, and as interesting as our conversation might be- i don't feel any spark. no butterflies in the stomach. no jolt of excitement when i hear from him. there are a number of reasons why this might be the case (trust me, i have gone over them in my head approximately a million times), but it comes down to the fact that i shouldn't have to try this hard to like someone. the emotions required to be in a fulfilling relationship are ones you shouldn't force (or so i'm told). and no matter how badly i want to feel something for this guy, no matter how many times i kiss him hoping for a glimpse of a firework, a stirring in my butterfly nest, it's just not there. and for that....i blame myself.
i also have been very lazy about running lately. i had this goal to try new classes at the gym during the month of april. i think i tried maybe 4 or 5, but then things got busy and i stopped. i also stopped running regularly, and as a result have regressed in the distance that i can comfortably run without feeling like i may fall over and die. and i have So Much Guilt about it. it's just dumb. i feel guilty for not running and instead doing something else- that is equally if not more fun, and yet i think 'i should be running right now'. and at the same time, i'm afraid to run, because i know how much work i'll have to put into it to get back to where i was just a few months ago. its a vicious cycle of guilt and laziness.
and while things at my new job are going really well- i'm settling in nicely, i've made some friends and feel comfortable with my daily duties and surroundings- i still have moments where i ask myself: do i fit in here? do my coworkers like me? should i be doing more? should i help out more? am i being enough of a team player?
the amount of doubt i feel sometimes could drive a sane person mad. which, of course, it what it has done. i'm just not sure why. why don't i have sure footing? why so much self doubt? where did i turn down this ridiculous path? how the fuck do i get back out? its like my confident, happier self is living a life parallel to mine, looking over at me with confusion like- what are you doing over there? get back over here. and i just stand there, waiting for directions back.
my therapist told me a while ago that i have to get better at just living. i don't always have to be achieving something or moving forward, i need to figure out how to be satisfied just being in my life. and clearly, i've always struggled with this. so now would probably be a good time to work on it. just, stay still and live and be happy. i have friends and a job and a cat and a place to live. and the weather is finally turning. just BE.
but nooooooo. i can't stop having verbal diarrhea to anyone who asks a question remotely sounding like "how are you doing". talking about how messed up i feel has become my new past time. and i'm sure it's impressing so many new people.... (see? even my usual sarcasm and self deprecation has taken a turn towards the desperate and uncomfortable.) how do i snap out of it?
well- for that answer i'm staring at the ceiling. on a date last week the guy mentioned above asked me if i have any life philosophies. 2 came to mind. well, honestly at first the only thing that came to mind was "ummmmmmmm". but then, 2 came to mind. the first is: "we'll be fine", which is something my sister said while in a taxi without enough cash a year ago. she had a belief that things would be ok- despite all evidence to the contrary. (and they were, they were indeed). and since then we say that all the time, especially when we find ourselves in situations that may be precarious. what can you do but have faith that you'll be ok?
the second thing that came to mind is a plaque that sits above my closet door in my bedroom. i'm literally looking at it as we speak. its green, and it reads "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". and frankly- it's the closest i've got to a life philosophy. life gives you lemons, figure out what to do with them and go on. i'm not one for lemonade, but i'm sure i could cook with them in some fashion. or put them in a bowl as decoration. you get the point. i have always liked this plaque (and the chuckles it inspires), because it's just so true. what are you gonna do? cry about everything that doesn't go your way? stay in bed all the time and ignore life? no. who has time for that? put on your panties and put one foot in front of the other.
so i think that's how i'm going to have to deal with this. i will stop talking about how out of sorts i feel, and focus on keeping my feet on the ground. living my life as it comes, and doing my best to feel satisfied with what i have. and if i want something else, i'll figure out how to get it. but in the meantime: we'll be ok. me and my big girl panties.
just to be on the safe side though, if you see me in a coffee shop or at the park, feel free to come over and say hi- strike up a conversation. but don't ask me how i'm doing. it's really for your own good...
for example:
i have been trying to date this new guy. like, really really trying. and i think i have valid reasons for this. on paper- he's perfect for me. he possesses qualities i could never have hoped for in a million years. he has an ancestor who was on the lewis and clark expidition for christs sake! he can quote presidents at will. he loves maine and has been to civil war and revolutionary battlefields. he likes to sail. it's like someone found a list that i made of 'qualities i would like in a man' back when i was 18. and this guy showed up on my doorstep. the problem, of course, is that i don't really feel anything for him. as nice as he is, and as interesting as our conversation might be- i don't feel any spark. no butterflies in the stomach. no jolt of excitement when i hear from him. there are a number of reasons why this might be the case (trust me, i have gone over them in my head approximately a million times), but it comes down to the fact that i shouldn't have to try this hard to like someone. the emotions required to be in a fulfilling relationship are ones you shouldn't force (or so i'm told). and no matter how badly i want to feel something for this guy, no matter how many times i kiss him hoping for a glimpse of a firework, a stirring in my butterfly nest, it's just not there. and for that....i blame myself.
i also have been very lazy about running lately. i had this goal to try new classes at the gym during the month of april. i think i tried maybe 4 or 5, but then things got busy and i stopped. i also stopped running regularly, and as a result have regressed in the distance that i can comfortably run without feeling like i may fall over and die. and i have So Much Guilt about it. it's just dumb. i feel guilty for not running and instead doing something else- that is equally if not more fun, and yet i think 'i should be running right now'. and at the same time, i'm afraid to run, because i know how much work i'll have to put into it to get back to where i was just a few months ago. its a vicious cycle of guilt and laziness.
and while things at my new job are going really well- i'm settling in nicely, i've made some friends and feel comfortable with my daily duties and surroundings- i still have moments where i ask myself: do i fit in here? do my coworkers like me? should i be doing more? should i help out more? am i being enough of a team player?
the amount of doubt i feel sometimes could drive a sane person mad. which, of course, it what it has done. i'm just not sure why. why don't i have sure footing? why so much self doubt? where did i turn down this ridiculous path? how the fuck do i get back out? its like my confident, happier self is living a life parallel to mine, looking over at me with confusion like- what are you doing over there? get back over here. and i just stand there, waiting for directions back.
my therapist told me a while ago that i have to get better at just living. i don't always have to be achieving something or moving forward, i need to figure out how to be satisfied just being in my life. and clearly, i've always struggled with this. so now would probably be a good time to work on it. just, stay still and live and be happy. i have friends and a job and a cat and a place to live. and the weather is finally turning. just BE.
but nooooooo. i can't stop having verbal diarrhea to anyone who asks a question remotely sounding like "how are you doing". talking about how messed up i feel has become my new past time. and i'm sure it's impressing so many new people.... (see? even my usual sarcasm and self deprecation has taken a turn towards the desperate and uncomfortable.) how do i snap out of it?
well- for that answer i'm staring at the ceiling. on a date last week the guy mentioned above asked me if i have any life philosophies. 2 came to mind. well, honestly at first the only thing that came to mind was "ummmmmmmm". but then, 2 came to mind. the first is: "we'll be fine", which is something my sister said while in a taxi without enough cash a year ago. she had a belief that things would be ok- despite all evidence to the contrary. (and they were, they were indeed). and since then we say that all the time, especially when we find ourselves in situations that may be precarious. what can you do but have faith that you'll be ok?
the second thing that came to mind is a plaque that sits above my closet door in my bedroom. i'm literally looking at it as we speak. its green, and it reads "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". and frankly- it's the closest i've got to a life philosophy. life gives you lemons, figure out what to do with them and go on. i'm not one for lemonade, but i'm sure i could cook with them in some fashion. or put them in a bowl as decoration. you get the point. i have always liked this plaque (and the chuckles it inspires), because it's just so true. what are you gonna do? cry about everything that doesn't go your way? stay in bed all the time and ignore life? no. who has time for that? put on your panties and put one foot in front of the other.
so i think that's how i'm going to have to deal with this. i will stop talking about how out of sorts i feel, and focus on keeping my feet on the ground. living my life as it comes, and doing my best to feel satisfied with what i have. and if i want something else, i'll figure out how to get it. but in the meantime: we'll be ok. me and my big girl panties.
just to be on the safe side though, if you see me in a coffee shop or at the park, feel free to come over and say hi- strike up a conversation. but don't ask me how i'm doing. it's really for your own good...
Monday, March 28, 2011
happythankyoumoreplease
a wise band once sang: you can't always get what you want. but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.
i always found this to be very profound. and i always hope that it's true. sometimes i think it is. you're upset about not getting something you wanted and can't see that right in front of you is something else you probably need and should wake up and see.
other times i really hope it's true. because those are the moments when i feel low and will take anything that might help in some way. something i need? sure! give it here!
in the mean time i'm sure they were talking about drugs. but i mean, the premise still holds true...
anyway, i'm already rambling.
i've had such a weird and nice weekend. and tonight, to cap it off, i saw the movie happythankyoumoreplease.
go see it.
no really, go see it. i loved it.
i am admittedly lame and i love books and movies (and sometimes tv) because sometimes they provide you with moments. moments where you feel connected to something- and understood. by the characters or the moral of the story or the mood in the theatre- because finally, Finally someone understands how you are feeling and has put it Right There in front of you for you to see and feel. and for a few minutes during and after you feel like OK. I am Not Alone in these weird feelings that i carry around.
of course, in movies and books, often the characters get to fix themselves. things work out in the end. or they die tragically. or i mean, sometimes they just go on with no resolution, but those are not movies or books that i enjoy. because what the fuck is the point in that.
but most of the time you are left with feelings like- jesus i really Felt that shit. and there's a glimmer of hope as you walk home from the theatre or sit and think about the book before putting it on the shelf. and you (well, in this case it's me) sigh deeply and just sit and think about Life. and the dumb things i feel sad about retreat a little bit. and the possibility of hope and good things and worthiness inch closer.
and i think to myself- you know diana- sometimes in life you don't always get what you want. (a lot of the time, sadly). but maybe, if i try, sometimes- i'll get what i god damn need. and wouldn't that be fucking fantastic.
*i realized upon re-reading this that i didn't actually share any of the moments (and there were a few) in the movie that really spoke to me. but you know, it's late and i'm tired. so that's gonna have to wait for another post.
i always found this to be very profound. and i always hope that it's true. sometimes i think it is. you're upset about not getting something you wanted and can't see that right in front of you is something else you probably need and should wake up and see.
other times i really hope it's true. because those are the moments when i feel low and will take anything that might help in some way. something i need? sure! give it here!
in the mean time i'm sure they were talking about drugs. but i mean, the premise still holds true...
anyway, i'm already rambling.
i've had such a weird and nice weekend. and tonight, to cap it off, i saw the movie happythankyoumoreplease.
go see it.
no really, go see it. i loved it.
i am admittedly lame and i love books and movies (and sometimes tv) because sometimes they provide you with moments. moments where you feel connected to something- and understood. by the characters or the moral of the story or the mood in the theatre- because finally, Finally someone understands how you are feeling and has put it Right There in front of you for you to see and feel. and for a few minutes during and after you feel like OK. I am Not Alone in these weird feelings that i carry around.
of course, in movies and books, often the characters get to fix themselves. things work out in the end. or they die tragically. or i mean, sometimes they just go on with no resolution, but those are not movies or books that i enjoy. because what the fuck is the point in that.
but most of the time you are left with feelings like- jesus i really Felt that shit. and there's a glimmer of hope as you walk home from the theatre or sit and think about the book before putting it on the shelf. and you (well, in this case it's me) sigh deeply and just sit and think about Life. and the dumb things i feel sad about retreat a little bit. and the possibility of hope and good things and worthiness inch closer.
and i think to myself- you know diana- sometimes in life you don't always get what you want. (a lot of the time, sadly). but maybe, if i try, sometimes- i'll get what i god damn need. and wouldn't that be fucking fantastic.
*i realized upon re-reading this that i didn't actually share any of the moments (and there were a few) in the movie that really spoke to me. but you know, it's late and i'm tired. so that's gonna have to wait for another post.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
this is what happens when you start saying yes to things (aka why i love scattegories)
tonight i had a really great night.
let's back up a minute. i believe there was a point in my life where the idea of spending an evening with mostly strangers would have felt really really uncomfortable. i probably wouldn't have done it, and would instead have stayed home and watched a bad movie on demand.
i am happy to report that i no longer feel the need to isolate at home with my on-demand remote.
remember when i went speed dating and made a new (girl) friend? she was, in fact, the only thing that has come out of speed dating thus far (besides a good story). this new friend-- is paula.
paula is from south carolina and lives/works in DC for the forestry service. she's here on a 3 month assignment working in the philly area. and she's awesome. i'm not just saying that because we are very similar and said (more than once) the first time we hung out that it seemed like we were the same person, or at the very least have led similar lives at varying points. (side note: i love finding people who i've led parallel lives with- my friend kate up in boston is another one. there's an immediate camaraderie that is really comforting upon making this discovery).
so paula and i went out for cheesesteaks last week (her first! my...well, not first). and spent hours talking and laughing. it was awesome.
sadly, she's moving back to DC at the end of the week. but tonight she invited me to hang out with her and some of her friends! paula is the type of person who likes all of her friends to know each other and hang out. she's brings people together, if you will. i am not like this- in fact, i really wish i were better at this. mostly i keep people separated and it's unfortunate.
anyway, i was invited along to meet...paula's other friends! having really only hung out with her all of once. and i didn't even think about saying no. she is great, it's a safe assumption her friends are great too. and to top it off she asked me for restaurant suggestions so i got to steer us to Sabrina's- one of my favorite restaurants in philly.
when i got there (running late, as per usual) i knew i was gonna be fine. one of paula's roommates was there- a girl named karen. karen looks like my sister's friend juliana, so i felt oddly comfortable around her from the start. and the more she spoke, the more i felt 'she is my kind of person' (actually i think my exact thought was 'she is one of my people' but that just sounds kind of weird). but anyway, she is awesome- and i want to be her friend. she's finishing her masters in landscape architecture- which is TOTALLY COOL and i talked to her about it and was immediately jealous because i think anything having to do with any kind of architecture is amazing and i wish i had the skills to go into that field. in fact, i've decided i'd really like to marry an architect, so if you know of any single, normal, funny (and tall) architects, please send them my way. (thanks in advance).
after dinner we went back to their house for wine, dessert and board games!! seriously- its like i was made to hang out with these people. and hello- their house is Gorgeous. you know, since leaving penn i hardly ever go over to west philly, but honestly there are some absolutely amazing houses there. i want one. with a porch and fun light fixtures and bathtubs with claws. i. want. one. the tour of the house was me walking around going 'oh my god this room is amazing', x12. seriously though, the bedrooms had things like bay windows and sun rooms/offices and balconies. it was making me drool.
we sat, we ate cake off communal plates, we listened to fun music. and oh yes i bought new rain boots online! paula showed me these new 'earth boots' she recently bought- earth boots have low heels- they are lower than the rest of the foot, so apparently are good for your back and help your calf muscles. really though, they look comfy and are lined and she said she bought them on sale....she had me at the sale. i went right downstairs and her friend sara helped me decide on the color. so now, in 5-10 business days i have a pair of WHITE, patent pleather fleecy lined earth rain boots arriving at my apartment. and instead of looking like an overly large kindergartner every time it rains i will now look like...a go go dancer. which, if you try and put a positive spin on it, is really a step up.
we sat in their amazing living room in front of their fire, with tea lights around it, eating cake and talking and playing scattegories!!!! which is really one of the greatest games. i think i may need to own it and inflict it on more people when they come over. i also think it's a pretty good way to get to know new people. it doesn't require a huge amount of skill, and you can get to know the way people think, or the things you may have in common, or how weird their brain works. and you also learn who is a stickler for the rules and who is not. which always makes me laugh.
so. moral of my night: let doors open. make new friends. don't be shy. always say yes to scattegories. you may end up eating carrot cake in front of a fire in a gorgeous house with funny people. if you're lucky.
let's back up a minute. i believe there was a point in my life where the idea of spending an evening with mostly strangers would have felt really really uncomfortable. i probably wouldn't have done it, and would instead have stayed home and watched a bad movie on demand.
i am happy to report that i no longer feel the need to isolate at home with my on-demand remote.
remember when i went speed dating and made a new (girl) friend? she was, in fact, the only thing that has come out of speed dating thus far (besides a good story). this new friend-- is paula.
paula is from south carolina and lives/works in DC for the forestry service. she's here on a 3 month assignment working in the philly area. and she's awesome. i'm not just saying that because we are very similar and said (more than once) the first time we hung out that it seemed like we were the same person, or at the very least have led similar lives at varying points. (side note: i love finding people who i've led parallel lives with- my friend kate up in boston is another one. there's an immediate camaraderie that is really comforting upon making this discovery).
so paula and i went out for cheesesteaks last week (her first! my...well, not first). and spent hours talking and laughing. it was awesome.
sadly, she's moving back to DC at the end of the week. but tonight she invited me to hang out with her and some of her friends! paula is the type of person who likes all of her friends to know each other and hang out. she's brings people together, if you will. i am not like this- in fact, i really wish i were better at this. mostly i keep people separated and it's unfortunate.
anyway, i was invited along to meet...paula's other friends! having really only hung out with her all of once. and i didn't even think about saying no. she is great, it's a safe assumption her friends are great too. and to top it off she asked me for restaurant suggestions so i got to steer us to Sabrina's- one of my favorite restaurants in philly.
when i got there (running late, as per usual) i knew i was gonna be fine. one of paula's roommates was there- a girl named karen. karen looks like my sister's friend juliana, so i felt oddly comfortable around her from the start. and the more she spoke, the more i felt 'she is my kind of person' (actually i think my exact thought was 'she is one of my people' but that just sounds kind of weird). but anyway, she is awesome- and i want to be her friend. she's finishing her masters in landscape architecture- which is TOTALLY COOL and i talked to her about it and was immediately jealous because i think anything having to do with any kind of architecture is amazing and i wish i had the skills to go into that field. in fact, i've decided i'd really like to marry an architect, so if you know of any single, normal, funny (and tall) architects, please send them my way. (thanks in advance).
after dinner we went back to their house for wine, dessert and board games!! seriously- its like i was made to hang out with these people. and hello- their house is Gorgeous. you know, since leaving penn i hardly ever go over to west philly, but honestly there are some absolutely amazing houses there. i want one. with a porch and fun light fixtures and bathtubs with claws. i. want. one. the tour of the house was me walking around going 'oh my god this room is amazing', x12. seriously though, the bedrooms had things like bay windows and sun rooms/offices and balconies. it was making me drool.
we sat, we ate cake off communal plates, we listened to fun music. and oh yes i bought new rain boots online! paula showed me these new 'earth boots' she recently bought- earth boots have low heels- they are lower than the rest of the foot, so apparently are good for your back and help your calf muscles. really though, they look comfy and are lined and she said she bought them on sale....she had me at the sale. i went right downstairs and her friend sara helped me decide on the color. so now, in 5-10 business days i have a pair of WHITE, patent pleather fleecy lined earth rain boots arriving at my apartment. and instead of looking like an overly large kindergartner every time it rains i will now look like...a go go dancer. which, if you try and put a positive spin on it, is really a step up.
we sat in their amazing living room in front of their fire, with tea lights around it, eating cake and talking and playing scattegories!!!! which is really one of the greatest games. i think i may need to own it and inflict it on more people when they come over. i also think it's a pretty good way to get to know new people. it doesn't require a huge amount of skill, and you can get to know the way people think, or the things you may have in common, or how weird their brain works. and you also learn who is a stickler for the rules and who is not. which always makes me laugh.
so. moral of my night: let doors open. make new friends. don't be shy. always say yes to scattegories. you may end up eating carrot cake in front of a fire in a gorgeous house with funny people. if you're lucky.
Monday, March 21, 2011
wash the beef
i need a do over for today.
let me paint you a picture of how i left the house this morning:
it was cold and rainy and grey. and dark. which turned out to be in my favor actually. because i was wearing my light pink chords. i also happened to find some old rain boots in my closet. i thought i had gotten rid of them- because i never wear them (they sometimes make my right calf look like a fat sausage)- but because i'm tired of walking around in the rain with wet non-waterproof shoes, i thought i'd take a look. and there they were- bright yellow wellies with pink dots around the edges. the epitomy of class. (side note, my right calf fit inside and did not look like a sausage- a small positive in a sea of mess).
so i tucked my pink chords into my bright yellow rain boots. and went and put on my rain coat.
if you've seen my rain coat before you'd know that it's....bright orange. it's llbean. and i like it. but yes, it's bright orange.
and finally- the piece de resistance: i grabbed my new umbrella- which is one of those big ones i can't remember the name of, but you can fit inside of them and they come down to like your shoulders. bubble? sure, we'll go with that. so it's clear with pink trim.
as you can guess i looked like a grown up kindergartner who tried to dress herself and snuck out of the house without mommy noticing. and i walked the 6 blocks to the train like that. and then got on the train and took a nap. surprise surprise, no one sat next to me.
so that's how the day started. it did not improve. i had to attend an all day 'webinar' orientation thing from 9-4. i usually go in at 10 on mondays, but got to work at 8:20 in preparation for getting all my other stuff done as well as sit for the webinar. it made me want to pull my hair out one at a time. there were 'quizzes' we had to fill out. it was boring and ridiculous. and for some reason made me feel very...snappy. i don't know if it was the grey weather or the pointless webinar that kept me from doing my work. or just the lack of sleep and long day. but i wasn't my usual charming self. and i said some dumb things i should have probably just not said. (nothing that will cause any problems really, but a month into a new job you don't want to have too much of an attitude), and just generally complained a lot. and then felt badly about it.
and instead of coming home and going running- i came home and made dinner and sat down to knit. which was fun, but not really active. so i'm still feeling generally lethargic and blah.
clearly- monday and i are not friends right now. you might say i have 'beef' with today. and to that i will say- i need to Wash it.
you read that correctly. i need to wash the beef.
what's this, you ask? what is this hysterical expression and what does it mean?
well i will tell you....
this weekend i went to the barnes with my sister and brother in law- which was great. and afterwards we went to our friend greg's house out near the main line. from greg's we went to a yummy dinner in bryn mawr at Yang Ming's (i recommend seafood and chicken, personally). and in the car ride over is where this Delightful phrase was born...
Greg was telling us a story. Honestly, i don't know what it was about. i don't remember. whatever it was isn't important (sorry greg)- but there were some people arguing in his story, and eventually he said "it sounds like they really needed to wash the beef".
at this my sister and i (sitting in the back seat), looked at each other quizically and said "wash the beef?". greg was surprised we had never heard this expression before. how could we have not? he explained: clearly it meant two people were having 'beef' with each other about something (i believe his example was "haven't you ever listened to eminem?"...) and they needed to 'wash the beef' as a means of taking care of it.
well. if this wasn't the greatest/most awkward expression i've ever heard- my middle name isn't felice. we immediately found all sorts of reasons to work 'wash the beef' into every story told at dinner, or insert it into every awkward silence. if anyone was having beef with anyone, it was getting washed- it was getting washed good. (*it also worked when our least favorite dish of the night was the beef dish....which we promptly said could actually have used some washing....).
we used that phrase like we were born usin' it. like everyone (particularly eminem fans) had been using it for years...
...until we got home, and had the following conversation with greg and his younger brother steve:
we were saying something of little importance when either myself or arielle once again worked in a 'wash the beef' reference (it does not get old!) and steve looked at us like we were on crack.
me: "steve- if someone said 'wash the beef' to you, would you know what that meant? is that a phrase you generally use?"
arielle: "apparently it is. because greg told us all about it. and now we're washing the beef with everyone we know"
(steve looks on confused)
greg: "wait- you thought i was saying Wash the beef?"
us: "ummm that is what you said "
greg: "no. i said Quash the beef. like, quash it. with a Qu"
fits of laughter..
us" WHAT"? "QUASH"?
steve: "isn't the actual phrase Squash the beef?"
greg: "ohhh, right. i guess. squash."
UNCONTROLLABLE FITS OF LAUGHTER.
for real people. tears were rolling down my cheeks. tears of pure joy. QUASH, SQUASH. WHO DOES ANY OF THIS TO BEEF?
and frankly- i like Wash the Beef the best. it's the most awkward. hence, the most awesome.
so i'm taking it to the streets!! (the streets being an awesome place to take things to- just watch step up 2: the streets, for proof). if you have beef with someone or something, please, be kind, wash the beef. clear that shit up. it's better for everyone.
and tell all your friends. this phrase is Happening.
moral of my story (you thought i forgot, right?)- my monday was a massive fail. monday and i have got some beef. i'm gonna wash the beef. wash it good. and start fresh tomorrow.
bring it tuesday.
let me paint you a picture of how i left the house this morning:
it was cold and rainy and grey. and dark. which turned out to be in my favor actually. because i was wearing my light pink chords. i also happened to find some old rain boots in my closet. i thought i had gotten rid of them- because i never wear them (they sometimes make my right calf look like a fat sausage)- but because i'm tired of walking around in the rain with wet non-waterproof shoes, i thought i'd take a look. and there they were- bright yellow wellies with pink dots around the edges. the epitomy of class. (side note, my right calf fit inside and did not look like a sausage- a small positive in a sea of mess).
so i tucked my pink chords into my bright yellow rain boots. and went and put on my rain coat.
if you've seen my rain coat before you'd know that it's....bright orange. it's llbean. and i like it. but yes, it's bright orange.
and finally- the piece de resistance: i grabbed my new umbrella- which is one of those big ones i can't remember the name of, but you can fit inside of them and they come down to like your shoulders. bubble? sure, we'll go with that. so it's clear with pink trim.
as you can guess i looked like a grown up kindergartner who tried to dress herself and snuck out of the house without mommy noticing. and i walked the 6 blocks to the train like that. and then got on the train and took a nap. surprise surprise, no one sat next to me.
so that's how the day started. it did not improve. i had to attend an all day 'webinar' orientation thing from 9-4. i usually go in at 10 on mondays, but got to work at 8:20 in preparation for getting all my other stuff done as well as sit for the webinar. it made me want to pull my hair out one at a time. there were 'quizzes' we had to fill out. it was boring and ridiculous. and for some reason made me feel very...snappy. i don't know if it was the grey weather or the pointless webinar that kept me from doing my work. or just the lack of sleep and long day. but i wasn't my usual charming self. and i said some dumb things i should have probably just not said. (nothing that will cause any problems really, but a month into a new job you don't want to have too much of an attitude), and just generally complained a lot. and then felt badly about it.
and instead of coming home and going running- i came home and made dinner and sat down to knit. which was fun, but not really active. so i'm still feeling generally lethargic and blah.
clearly- monday and i are not friends right now. you might say i have 'beef' with today. and to that i will say- i need to Wash it.
you read that correctly. i need to wash the beef.
what's this, you ask? what is this hysterical expression and what does it mean?
well i will tell you....
this weekend i went to the barnes with my sister and brother in law- which was great. and afterwards we went to our friend greg's house out near the main line. from greg's we went to a yummy dinner in bryn mawr at Yang Ming's (i recommend seafood and chicken, personally). and in the car ride over is where this Delightful phrase was born...
Greg was telling us a story. Honestly, i don't know what it was about. i don't remember. whatever it was isn't important (sorry greg)- but there were some people arguing in his story, and eventually he said "it sounds like they really needed to wash the beef".
at this my sister and i (sitting in the back seat), looked at each other quizically and said "wash the beef?". greg was surprised we had never heard this expression before. how could we have not? he explained: clearly it meant two people were having 'beef' with each other about something (i believe his example was "haven't you ever listened to eminem?"...) and they needed to 'wash the beef' as a means of taking care of it.
well. if this wasn't the greatest/most awkward expression i've ever heard- my middle name isn't felice. we immediately found all sorts of reasons to work 'wash the beef' into every story told at dinner, or insert it into every awkward silence. if anyone was having beef with anyone, it was getting washed- it was getting washed good. (*it also worked when our least favorite dish of the night was the beef dish....which we promptly said could actually have used some washing....).
we used that phrase like we were born usin' it. like everyone (particularly eminem fans) had been using it for years...
...until we got home, and had the following conversation with greg and his younger brother steve:
we were saying something of little importance when either myself or arielle once again worked in a 'wash the beef' reference (it does not get old!) and steve looked at us like we were on crack.
me: "steve- if someone said 'wash the beef' to you, would you know what that meant? is that a phrase you generally use?"
arielle: "apparently it is. because greg told us all about it. and now we're washing the beef with everyone we know"
(steve looks on confused)
greg: "wait- you thought i was saying Wash the beef?"
us: "ummm that is what you said "
greg: "no. i said Quash the beef. like, quash it. with a Qu"
fits of laughter..
us" WHAT"? "QUASH"?
steve: "isn't the actual phrase Squash the beef?"
greg: "ohhh, right. i guess. squash."
UNCONTROLLABLE FITS OF LAUGHTER.
for real people. tears were rolling down my cheeks. tears of pure joy. QUASH, SQUASH. WHO DOES ANY OF THIS TO BEEF?
and frankly- i like Wash the Beef the best. it's the most awkward. hence, the most awesome.
so i'm taking it to the streets!! (the streets being an awesome place to take things to- just watch step up 2: the streets, for proof). if you have beef with someone or something, please, be kind, wash the beef. clear that shit up. it's better for everyone.
and tell all your friends. this phrase is Happening.
moral of my story (you thought i forgot, right?)- my monday was a massive fail. monday and i have got some beef. i'm gonna wash the beef. wash it good. and start fresh tomorrow.
bring it tuesday.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
a changing of the tides
this morning i woke up at 7am in a panic that i had slept through my alarm and was going to be late for work. then- thankfully, i realized it was sunday.
it's also the first day of spring. SPRING!! finally!!
and when i finally woke up i laid in bed thinking about some stuff. you might say i'm always thinking about things. but today i felt somewhat- settled. spring. new beginning. all that jazz.
it's been a month since i was in my quasi-relationship. and i don't really feel sad anymore when i think about him. i feel more...annoyed. cheated. angry. over it all. ready to just...think about something else.
i think maybe that sex in the city rule was right. you get half of the time of the length you were together to get over the break up. it makes sense, really. and its nice to just wake up and not feel anxious or heavy with emotion.
and frankly- this is one of the many reasons i've been waiting for march to be over. the sooner march is over, and spring is here, the sooner i will feel better and more myself and ready to take on the world (picture me a top the art museum steps- rocky style). however- recent breakup aside- i have many reasons for not liking march.
firstly- it's a long month. a whole 31 days. it's 5 weeks long. and there are no federal holidays (no- st. patrick's day does not count). also- it's cold. my oma's birthday, as well as keith and glenn's are at the beginning of the month- then it's just a wasteland. then there's march madness. who cares? it's college basketball. i joined a pool at work to be a 'joiner' and try and have fun with it- and lord knows if i can remember who i actually picked. all i know is i put duke down to win. but really....i mean, whatever.
but today- today i woke up feeling ok. thinking about work, about life, about knitting. about paying my bills and buying groceries and painting my nails fuscia in honor of spring. i read a magazine, then finished reading my book, ate breakfast and relaxed. i did the things i wanted to do. and i didn't feel anxious. i felt- like myself. only slightly more....lived in.
does that make sense?
i realize lately that i am 28 years old. 28. i moved to philadelphia when i was 22. the world was ahead of me, at my finger tips, doors would open, i'd find my way. etc etc you get the point. and sometimes now- i have more moments of...clarity. i'm an adult. i've chosen a career path. i have a condo and a pet. i can keep a plant alive. i have friends and a life here in philadelphia, as well as in new york. i have vacations planned. i commute to work. i have a bookcase full of books. adult. and while i don't really want to take myself too seriously, sometimes i'm hit with the idea that this is my life. and i should enjoy it more. and not waste time feeling sad- even if they say that those sad times can teach you something about yourself. i get it. i'm learning. but right now i want to learn to be happy with the amazing life i've got. i don't necessarily need to go on dates every week, or waste time on men who i know aren't going to stick around- or who i have no desire to stick around. i am going to do things that i think will be fun and interesting, with people who i know to be fun and interesting. or by myself. because hell, last time i checked i was pretty fun myself.
so happy spring to everyone! put on your big girl panties and go have some fun.
it's also the first day of spring. SPRING!! finally!!
and when i finally woke up i laid in bed thinking about some stuff. you might say i'm always thinking about things. but today i felt somewhat- settled. spring. new beginning. all that jazz.
it's been a month since i was in my quasi-relationship. and i don't really feel sad anymore when i think about him. i feel more...annoyed. cheated. angry. over it all. ready to just...think about something else.
i think maybe that sex in the city rule was right. you get half of the time of the length you were together to get over the break up. it makes sense, really. and its nice to just wake up and not feel anxious or heavy with emotion.
and frankly- this is one of the many reasons i've been waiting for march to be over. the sooner march is over, and spring is here, the sooner i will feel better and more myself and ready to take on the world (picture me a top the art museum steps- rocky style). however- recent breakup aside- i have many reasons for not liking march.
firstly- it's a long month. a whole 31 days. it's 5 weeks long. and there are no federal holidays (no- st. patrick's day does not count). also- it's cold. my oma's birthday, as well as keith and glenn's are at the beginning of the month- then it's just a wasteland. then there's march madness. who cares? it's college basketball. i joined a pool at work to be a 'joiner' and try and have fun with it- and lord knows if i can remember who i actually picked. all i know is i put duke down to win. but really....i mean, whatever.
but today- today i woke up feeling ok. thinking about work, about life, about knitting. about paying my bills and buying groceries and painting my nails fuscia in honor of spring. i read a magazine, then finished reading my book, ate breakfast and relaxed. i did the things i wanted to do. and i didn't feel anxious. i felt- like myself. only slightly more....lived in.
does that make sense?
i realize lately that i am 28 years old. 28. i moved to philadelphia when i was 22. the world was ahead of me, at my finger tips, doors would open, i'd find my way. etc etc you get the point. and sometimes now- i have more moments of...clarity. i'm an adult. i've chosen a career path. i have a condo and a pet. i can keep a plant alive. i have friends and a life here in philadelphia, as well as in new york. i have vacations planned. i commute to work. i have a bookcase full of books. adult. and while i don't really want to take myself too seriously, sometimes i'm hit with the idea that this is my life. and i should enjoy it more. and not waste time feeling sad- even if they say that those sad times can teach you something about yourself. i get it. i'm learning. but right now i want to learn to be happy with the amazing life i've got. i don't necessarily need to go on dates every week, or waste time on men who i know aren't going to stick around- or who i have no desire to stick around. i am going to do things that i think will be fun and interesting, with people who i know to be fun and interesting. or by myself. because hell, last time i checked i was pretty fun myself.
so happy spring to everyone! put on your big girl panties and go have some fun.
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