it has been an interesting few days.
what i know is that life doesn't stop because i am on an emotional roller coaster. my friends continue to exist and have problems and get exciting news and need or want to talk to me. my cat continues to curl up on my lap at night and purr when i'm around and kiss my arms to make me feel better. my mom continues to call and check in and let me know what ballet she saw this week and which meal my grandmother seemed to enjoy the best.

and somehow, somewhere in there, small changes seep in if you let them.

let me go back. jimmie the psychic told me to spend 21 months focusing on myself. learning my worth. my therapist told me to love myself more and put myself first. my friends tell me that i'm lovable and amazing and they will always be there for me. and it took me until the last few days to start believing they were all on to something.
i didn't even know it was there until it was- in my conscious thought, screaming: "ENOUGH NOW. YOU COME FIRST." i realized that i have choices, and i have a voice- a strong one, and i can use it. i know what is best for me, and i'm the only one who can make that happen.
and while change is hard, and letting people go is hard, and realizing that friendships change is hard- this is life. and so while i feel sad, i also feel oddly calm. because i know that i am making the right choices, and i am sticking up for myself. it may feel crappy and i might want to cry or scream or never get out of bed again, but those feelings will pass- and i will be left with the knowledge that i tried, and i care, and i continue to learn and experience and grow. and in the end i will be so so much better for it.

and i do want to be better. nicer to myself, more attentive to my friends, more available to the people who sincerely care about me and want me to let them in. better at life.
and so i will continue to work on it. and keep trying to laugh instead of wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. and look for the signs from the universe that i am going in the right direction.

there was a lightening bug in my apartment tonight. at first i thought it was a gross scary looking thing, until it lit up- and i saw that it was harmless and wonderful. mimi told me it was a sign, but i'm just looking at it as a reminder.