when i look at some of the things i write on this blog (including my last post), i feel sometimes that it's all self indulgent shmaltzy bullshit. no one wants to read this. i write it to try and make myself feel better. i should maybe just keep a journal.
but.
my friend jane told me to write. to keep writing when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm...whatever. so that in the future i can go back and look at it and be like 'hmm so that is how i was feeling, interesting'. will this help? who knows? lucky for you i have agreed to keep writing about how i feel.
and i realize that lately what i have been feeling is selfish. i have my reasons. they are somewhat valid, if not completely so. but they are what they are. i don't want to make excuses. i have been completely and totally wrapped up in my own shit. this involves work- adjusting to my new job (which is more boring and i don't want to talk about), and my pathetic love life.
for the past six months my love life has been as follows:
girl meets boy.
girl likes boy.
boy is fucked up which should turn girl off, but does not.
girl dates boy.
boy breaks girl's heart by deciding he wants to go back to his ex girlfriend
girl cuts off boy and goes out with no fewer than four Other boys- none of whom she likes as much
girl is considering taking a break from dating
boy makes vague attempt to reach out after having been dumped, again, by the ex he left girl for
girl and boy reconnect, decide to become friends
girl tries to create boundaries for herself- fails.
girl and boy quickly go back to being close, but do not date.
girl pretends this is all ok, shoves any attempts at feelings aside
girl and boy get drunk, make some potentially bad decisions
girl realizes feelings don't just go away because we want them to
boy is too fucked up to stop this train wreck
girl decides she has to let boy go in order to regain control of her life. girl breaks her own heart in making this decision. girl asks boy to help by letting her go. boy agrees.
girl cries.
annnnd scene.
with all that emotion going on, it's no wonder i have been selfish. and heartbreak does not make it easier. heartbreak has the potential to make one even More selfish- although, i'm going to try hard to get out of that pattern. i think maybe focusing on other people and things will help. something has to help. but i just don't know how much extra emotion i have at the moment.
so i apologize for my selfishness. i apologize if i haven't been around enough, or attentive enough. or preoccupied with my own head and heart. i will try to do better, while at the same time try to take better care of myself and avoid repeating past mistakes.
it's all really a work in progress. i hope you understand.
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