it has come to my attention as of late, that i am struggling more than i realized. more than that- i seem to be caught up in a cycle of "why aren't i better" syndrome. this encompasses a lot of areas of my life, and the common thread is that i'm being too hard on myself. (and for that- just to bring the point home- i blame myself).

for example:
i have been trying to date this new guy. like, really really trying. and i think i have valid reasons for this. on paper- he's perfect for me. he possesses qualities i could never have hoped for in a million years. he has an ancestor who was on the lewis and clark expidition for christs sake! he can quote presidents at will. he loves maine and has been to civil war and revolutionary battlefields. he likes to sail. it's like someone found a list that i made of 'qualities i would like in a man' back when i was 18. and this guy showed up on my doorstep. the problem, of course, is that i don't really feel anything for him. as nice as he is, and as interesting as our conversation might be- i don't feel any spark. no butterflies in the stomach. no jolt of excitement when i hear from him. there are a number of reasons why this might be the case (trust me, i have gone over them in my head approximately a million times), but it comes down to the fact that i shouldn't have to try this hard to like someone. the emotions required to be in a fulfilling relationship are ones you shouldn't force (or so i'm told). and no matter how badly i want to feel something for this guy, no matter how many times i kiss him hoping for a glimpse of a firework, a stirring in my butterfly nest, it's just not there. and for that....i blame myself.

i also have been very lazy about running lately. i had this goal to try new classes at the gym during the month of april. i think i tried maybe 4 or 5, but then things got busy and i stopped. i also stopped running regularly, and as a result have regressed in the distance that i can comfortably run without feeling like i may fall over and die. and i have So Much Guilt about it. it's just dumb. i feel guilty for not running and instead doing something else- that is equally if not more fun, and yet i think 'i should be running right now'. and at the same time, i'm afraid to run, because i know how much work i'll have to put into it to get back to where i was just a few months ago. its a vicious cycle of guilt and laziness.

and while things at my new job are going really well- i'm settling in nicely, i've made some friends and feel comfortable with my daily duties and surroundings- i still have moments where i ask myself: do i fit in here? do my coworkers like me? should i be doing more? should i help out more? am i being enough of a team player?

the amount of doubt i feel sometimes could drive a sane person mad. which, of course, it what it has done. i'm just not sure why. why don't i have sure footing? why so much self doubt? where did i turn down this ridiculous path? how the fuck do i get back out? its like my confident, happier self is living a life parallel to mine, looking over at me with confusion like- what are you doing over there? get back over here. and i just stand there, waiting for directions back.

my therapist told me a while ago that i have to get better at just living. i don't always have to be achieving something or moving forward, i need to figure out how to be satisfied just being in my life. and clearly, i've always struggled with this. so now would probably be a good time to work on it. just, stay still and live and be happy. i have friends and a job and a cat and a place to live. and the weather is finally turning. just BE.
but nooooooo. i can't stop having verbal diarrhea to anyone who asks a question remotely sounding like "how are you doing". talking about how messed up i feel has become my new past time. and i'm sure it's impressing so many new people.... (see? even my usual sarcasm and self deprecation has taken a turn towards the desperate and uncomfortable.) how do i snap out of it?

well- for that answer i'm staring at the ceiling. on a date last week the guy mentioned above asked me if i have any life philosophies. 2 came to mind. well, honestly at first the only thing that came to mind was "ummmmmmmm". but then, 2 came to mind. the first is: "we'll be fine", which is something my sister said while in a taxi without enough cash a year ago. she had a belief that things would be ok- despite all evidence to the contrary. (and they were, they were indeed). and since then we say that all the time, especially when we find ourselves in situations that may be precarious. what can you do but have faith that you'll be ok?
the second thing that came to mind is a plaque that sits above my closet door in my bedroom. i'm literally looking at it as we speak. its green, and it reads "put on your big girl panties and deal with it". and frankly- it's the closest i've got to a life philosophy. life gives you lemons, figure out what to do with them and go on. i'm not one for lemonade, but i'm sure i could cook with them in some fashion. or put them in a bowl as decoration. you get the point. i have always liked this plaque (and the chuckles it inspires), because it's just so true. what are you gonna do? cry about everything that doesn't go your way? stay in bed all the time and ignore life? no. who has time for that? put on your panties and put one foot in front of the other.
so i think that's how i'm going to have to deal with this. i will stop talking about how out of sorts i feel, and focus on keeping my feet on the ground. living my life as it comes, and doing my best to feel satisfied with what i have. and if i want something else, i'll figure out how to get it. but in the meantime: we'll be ok. me and my big girl panties.

just to be on the safe side though, if you see me in a coffee shop or at the park, feel free to come over and say hi- strike up a conversation. but don't ask me how i'm doing. it's really for your own good...