2012 to 2013, a year in review and the year ahead

Welcome to 2013!

After a very relaxing and reflective few days i'm ready to share some of my highlights from the past year and goals for the year ahead.

2012 was a pretty big year. It wasn't the best ever (my apartment did get broken into and I fell into a bit of a depression for a little bit there towards the end) but there were a lot of good things too!

for instance: i now wear eye liner on a semi-regular basis and it looks normal! i finally figure out how to incorporate yellow into my wardrobe without me looking sickly! my washing machine hasn't broken down in a while (let's knock on wood for that one) and my adorable boyfriend gave me a kindle and his google tv to help bring me into the 21st century. i also started watching The West Wing for the first time- and it has completely sucked me in and made me feel happy and proud to be an educated American woman. (plus, it was much more entertaining than the actual election this past fall. President Obama, I Love You).
oh, right, i am now in a working and lasting relationship- with mike, of all people. i don't mean that as an insult, sometimes i'm as surprised as anyone- given that last new years i swore him off and now he is my devoted and very caring boyfriend. but life happens. i'm going with it.
i also managed to start my private practice- and struggled with the feelings of longing for validation and crushing failure that have come with it. but in the end i set a goal to see clients privately, and i've made $150 from seeing clients. so it wasn't a complete failure, just not exactly the success i was hoping for (yet). i have decided to keep trying for now, but this is really another topic for another post altogether.

so. new years. what do i want from my 2013? i am turning 30 in 15 days. i did not do a "30 in 30" thing beforehand, which is something that sounds like me, because of the holidays and the likelihood of my sticking to anything while attending holiday parties and eating my body weight in my mom's lasagna and cookies. also....i couldn't really think of anything i wanted to do.
but while watching some holiday movies just before christmas i stumbled upon Bridget Jones's Diary (aka- one of my favorite books/movies of all time) and felt suddenly inspired to keep a diary. i think one of the things i want to really work on in 2013 is writing. i've had so much to say this year- but the idea of putting it all down and polishing it for the eyes of other people felt overwhelming and daunting. so it went unwritten- and that is just unsatisfying. so i'm gonna change it. i'm going to try to be more disciplined and write daily (or as close to daily as possible). no daily. i will do it.
some of my other goals: floss more. continue trying to incorporate yellow and other happy flair to my wardrobe. wear all the bangle bracelets my sister gave me for christmas. cook more! also, trust myself more- my voice and my decisions. I want to be happy and go on adventures and trust that i'll know how to deal with things as they come, and write about them as they pass. so let's see what 2013 has to offer. as mike reminded me earlier, it's a new year! the world is our oyster.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

last week i may have hit rock bottom, emotionally. it was....bad. i cried almost every day, sometimes for reasons i couldn't even explain. i cried, and then i cried some more.
it seems unfair to say that i'm overworked and underpaid, under-appreciated and unhappy. there are a lot of people worse off than i am- living without heat, or food, or actually even a place to live at all- and here i am whining about feeling blue.
i'm trying really hard to shake it. i think it's been building for a while- potentially all fall. it feels like it has been a long fall, and yet, time has flown by quickly. but things seem to have shifted for me somehow, and now i am often tired and unmotivated and isolating and quick to tear up. it's unsettling and i do not like it. i've decided to do something about it- and so far that has involved listening to christmas music and trying to remember it's the holidays and i love christmas lights and cookies and carols and gift giving. man, i really do love gift giving. i love thinking of a good gift and wrapping it and handing it over and feeling satisfied that i could provide something for someone (even if it is something very silly).
this week when i get up in the morning i hum a new christmas tune. this morning it happened to be the title of this blog post. it was ironic, i was humming without even realizing it, and i got into the shower and thought "ugggggggh i do not want to get up" and then i realized i was humming ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and thought "hmmmmm, I guess I'll just go with that" and got dressed for work and went about my day. i tried to remember the song as i went about my day so as not to feel too beaten down. i suppose i accomplished that because here i am. i made it through the day and actually opened up my computer to write something- this hasn't happened in a while.

I feel like i have  a lot to say, and a lot I want to figure out how to write. But honestly, i'm so tired that i need to just get into bed with the West Wing. until next time (soon)....

a very merry unbirthday

it's been a long time folks. welcome, welcome to my head. pardon me as i change into my cardigan and slippers.

what prompted my return to the blog, you ask? well, i think it began when i randomly started crying last night while telling my boyfriend a story about my dad from childhood. we were also watching a thunderstorm at the time. it was all very picturesque. until i wiped my nose on his blanket.
then this morning i went into work and the first time i typed out the date it hit me:
Today is my half birthday. it's not such a big deal. i don't usually notice these things (honest). but today means that I will be 30 in 6 months. Exactly.
30.

i'd like to think that my realization of this was unrelated to the fact that i was close to tears on and off for most of the day, but i could not be totally sure. here i thought i was going to be all prepared and not freak out about turning 30. who cares? my late 20s have been fun. from what i hear life gets better in your 30s. you are "more relaxed with yourself" and "over trying to prove things to other people like in your 20s". two magazines have recently stated that a woman is most beautiful at 34! so what is there to be worried about?

oh, well, since you asked- how about the fact that i was supposed to lose 5 lbs, which has since turned into 8 (wrong direction diana!). or i still have to read that Suze Orman book and stop being so frivolous and start saving for things like a house. or a new car.
or the private practice i started that has no clients.

i have been good at meeting some of my goals- i ran the Broad St Run and I finally went to the Strand. and i did put in the effort of organizing and starting a private practice. it just hasn't really taken off. and i haven't done anything about it.

i'm not sure what i thought my life would look like when i turned 30- but i don't think it was quite like this. i still don't feel like a fully functioning adult. i mean, i know where my passport is and i pay my electric bill on time. But i am not close to owning a house or affording children or even being able to jet off somewhere for a weekend without planning/saving for it in advance.  i whine a lot and i have bouts of random crying when something makes me super happy or super sad (or sometimes just because....)  i don't always know if i'm being a good daughter/friend/girlfriend. i get lost in my own head lately more times than i can count. i don't even capitalize my i's for christ's sake! how will i know where i stand in the world?

what i do know is this: i have 6 months to feel more comfortable with this idea. to mentally 'prepare'. to motivate myself to start running again (did i mention that after Broad St i....gave up running?), to cook more and laugh more and save money to plan vacations. to accept that this is where i am in my life. and if i want to be somewhere else- i'm the only one who can get me there.

what i want is to feel like the best version of myself. i'm not perfect, and i'm certainly not good at everything. but i should try to do my best, so when i look back on my life i don't think "gee, what could have happened if i had tried harder, or wasn't afraid of falling on my face"?
I think my biggest flaw is that i'm sometimes afraid of looking or feeling stupid. I don't want to fail, so i try to pick very realistic things. maybe it's time to think bigger. push myself further. drag myself over this invisible aging line feeling good about myself and my choices and my future.

it's going to be an interesting 6 months.

Important Life Realization (probably # 547, but for now we'll just say #1)

Something is happening to me. i came to a realization recently that made me stop in my tracks.

real life, dating life, relationships (in general), are not like the movies. there are no flirty picnics and frolicking in fields and rainbows and milkshakes with two straws. ryan reynolds (or, swoon, gosling), doesn't show up in my local coffee shop to strike up conversation with me over what book i'm reading.

let's be honest. i don't even really go to coffee shops that often. i don't drink coffee. i only go when i'm feeling like i want to be alone yet be around people- and read and people watch and yet not really interact with anyone. and i don't meet men while i'm doing that.

lots of people realized this a long time ago. most people, probably. i'm not most people. i held out hope, sad, lonely hope, that i would get to have some kind of romantic life changing experience- where i see stars in the shape of a 'perfect for me' guy who appears like a genie from the magic lamp in my life.

but- i don't think that happens. i'm getting to the point in my life where i need to be more....realistic. i can't settle for men who have no....ambition. or future. or plan for life. i don't need someone with a 5 year plan written down next to their bed (that might be creepy). but i realize that what i need to do is look for someone who wants basically what i want in life:

a trusting, loving, reliable relationship that involves laughter and listening and working through things when they need working through.
a future that involves marriage, hopefully a nice house.
some kids (the number is still to be determined)
a partner with a job- a good one- one that is good enough to pay a share of the bills and save money to put kids through college.
vacations- nothing too extravagant, but a weekend away here and there and maybe one big trip a year.

(i don't think that is asking for much. it would be nice, of course, if we had similar tastes in movies or music and food. not all the same, we can learn from each other- but some overlap would be nice. but i'm not going to focus on that. i'm just saying...)

i think. i think of so many things. i think of what i want my life to be like, and who i want in it. i can't expect to feel overwhelmed with emotions from teenage love songs. i want reliability. and adult things. that takes an adult. two adults, actually. i have to be one of them. i don't think i want unrealistic things. so i have to be more practical in who i choose to be with. i'm getting too old to dick around and waste time with people who have been honest about our needs and wants not meeting up. honesty is good. but its meaningless unless i hear it and use it to make good choices.

we are not what we want, or what we like. we are the choices we make. and i have to make better choices. more realistic choices. this isn't settling (which i worry about), its figuring out how to be happy in a real and tangible way.

movies are fun to watch, because they aren't real. i can be happy without the movies.

Leap

When i first realized that this year was a leap year- i was very excited. leap days should be full of adventure and courageous new things that maybe you've been wanting to do for a while. i didn't know what i wanted to do- but i wanted to do.....something.

that's not how it turned out.

i'm not gonna lie. i've been pretty crappy in the last week. i made this exciting/somewhat scary career/life decision. and it was followed last week by some unexpected and even more scary job news. namely, that i might not have one for as long as i thought. this is not definite, thank goodness. but it sure did scare the hell out of me.
combine this with a weird new development- i can't run long distances anymore. i mean, the longest i've ever run was 6 miles, so it's not like i'm a marathoner. but i'm having trouble getting past...2. and i signed up for the Broad St Run in early May- which is my biggest goal to accomplish before i turn 30. and i'm blocked. mentally. maybe physically. i do not know.

and it rained all day. poured. and i stayed at work super late. and instead of going on some kind of adventure, or even just running a basic errand like going to the post office to renew my passport (which i Will do this week. i will!), i ended up coming home late and laying on the couch and watching 'dude where's my car' in sweats, eating cookies. feeling totally lame.

i don't know where i am going wrong. i want things to start falling into place. not feel messy and confusing and frustrating and....never ending. and i don't know how to fix any of it. that's the worst part. i don't know where to find a new job or how to really make sure and fix my current one. i don't know how to make myself run when it just seems like my legs won't move. i don't know how to feel hopeful about what the fuck i'm doing right now. in life. i feel like i want to go to bed and wake up in 6 months with my fingers crossed.

sigh. life doesn't work like that. so. instead, i am planning to use leap day as a jumping point. no, it didn't go as planned. i didn't call out sick and go on any grand adventures involving sexy unassuming men with nerdy glasses, or exploring new places around the city, or challenging myself to run more than i did the other day. BUT- tomorrow, is March 1st. you know i like making challenges for myself with the fresh start of a month ahead. especially a month like march- which is long and drags on forever.
so- tomorrow. i leap. i push myself, to figure things out. to run more. to talk to more people about possible opportunities in getting what i want out of my career. in making things happen. and not letting myself feel defeated and like a huge loser who can't do anything right.
i probably have to define this a bit more- goals work better when they are well defined and easy to follow. So. starting tomorrow i will run 3 days a week. and i will try to meet with at least 3 people to discuss career goals/opportunities. and will apply to at least 3 jobs. i will also shut up at work and get down to business so i have a job to keep going to for as long as I want it. i am going to be exhausted. but hopefully i'll sleep well, and with confident thoughts and pleasant dreams.

are you talking to me?

i talk to the universe sometimes, this is an established fact. i'm not sure if the universe really listens. but sometimes- on some days, i think it does.
i woke up this morning (late) and decided to take one later train than normal to work. i ate breakfast at home. i did what felt good. i was tired, but i've been tired a lot lately so that's ok. but i am trying to listen more to my life and my body and the world around me.
on my walk to the train station i put my ipod on song shuffle. and the songs seemed to speak to me. lights were turning yellow as i approached the corners, but i crossed anyway and always made it without problem. i felt like maybe i was supposed to slow down and wait, because i had time. things would be ok. my train was late (so i did actually have time), but i was still got to work at an ok time. and on the train there was this new ad that i hadn't seen before. it said "Listen. Learn. Change." and then this line about living a better life. it was an ad for Council for Relationships, (which is this group practice that has a good reputation in philadelphia- they offer individual, family, couples and probably group therapy. but i wasn't aware they did public ads on trains. anyway...) and it struck me as so...appropriate for how i've been feeling lately. which is down. but trying hard to get back up.
and today was the first day things started to feel different.

let me take you back for a second to a few weeks ago. November 10th maybe? It was a thursday. It was also a day i decided to go out on a limb and do something crazy.
for a few months now there has been a guy i see on the train sometimes, a few times a week usually. he wears adorable suits and carries an old man-looking briefcase and reads the wall street journal. he first got my attention over the summer when he was wearing seersucker. in real life. i've never been the type to go gaga over seerksucker, because i think usually it looks pretentious and silly. but i definitely did a double take. WHO WEARS SEERSUCKER IN REAL LIFE TO WORK ON A WEEKDAY? my train crush, that's who. i think over the course of a few months i complemented some of his style. his suit, his fun argyle socks. but that's the extent of our interactions. he sat next to me one day (he gets on later than i do) and i woke up from a nap and saw him there and immediately went "oh look- train crush is sitting next to me. should i talk to him?" in my head- before remembering we sit in the quiet ride car, and no one is supposed to talk. so i went to work and told my friend lizzy about it and she said "you never talk to your train crush so what's the point?". what's the point? the point is it's fun to have a train crush? why does there need to be a point? but it did get me thinking....
and so, on Thursday November 10th i wrote a note to my crush. i ran it by my train friend Bonnie, who was both surprised and impressed at my idea- and scribbled out something the likes of "i've noticed you on the train for a while. i think we should go out for drinks sometime" with my name (first name only, i'm not retarded) and my phone number (maybe mildly retarded, but this is how you do things, no?)- and i passed him the note on my way off the train that day. my heart was racing and i couldn't look him in the eye- but i could tell he looked slightly confused as he took the folded piece of paper. i then ran off the train and to work, where i had a mild panic attack at the boldness of my actions.
later that day i had a slightly bigger panic attack when an unknown number CALLED MY PHONE, but it turned out to be some random company trying to get me to do a survey or some shit. wah wah. what a let down. my heart did a cheesy sigh of disappointment, and yet- i guess i never really expected to hear from him anyway.
not only did i not hear from him, he Disappeared. i have not seen him since. he's not on the train or anything. my friends at work have asked if i've heard anything and just today i said "no, i'm pretty sure he moved out of state to avoid awkward run-ins with me on the train". we decided if anything he probably started driving to work now, because a crazy girl shoved paper into his hand one day with her phone number on it. who does this? i don't know.
so i'm going through today trying to just listen for signs from the universe. my last assessment of the day was running late and i was cutting it very close to catch my train home at 7:18. around 7 my phone started buzzing with an unknown out of state number i assumed was probably a credit card company or telemarketer- as had been in the past (not collections, by the way, people offering random shit). but anyway i hit ignore in an attempt to finish things up and get out of the office quickly.
i noticed i had a voicemail and thought- odd, telemarketers usually hang up.
it was the universe calling.
aka- train crush.
turns out he hasn't been around the last few weeks because he's been in CHINA (he did not run there to avoid me, either), and he got back on Sunday and called to see if i wanted to go out for drinks this weekend
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who's life is this?
after i had an extended panic attack in front of coworkers who commented on the vast shades of red my face can turn, we discussed what a good story it would be for me and train crush to get married and tell our future kids their mom picked up dad on a commuter train...
we also facebook stalked him and found out he's only barely legal and i might be considered a cougar for considering dating this person. but i mean- COME ON. the universe basically told me to wake the fuck up- because when you take chances sometimes cool things come of it. like cute boys who wear seersucker call you and ask you out on a date at a time where you were considering never going on a date again.
to get all cheesy and quote ridiculous things: "be the change you want to see in this world" and from my very own facebook profile "if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done".
and on my train home, as i stared at the ad for Council for Relationships telling me to Listen. Learn. Change. i realized- SHIT. Sometimes the Universe really does answer back.

there you are, peter

when you are young you don't always know when you meet people who will be important to you. you are meeting new people all the time, and so many people and friends float in and out of your life that realizing who's important sometimes takes time.
and then, after a while, once something happens- you realize it. a life transition, a death, a move, a heart break. there might be a number of times in your life when you realize just how lucky you are to know the people you know. but what is important is that you do realize it.

when i was in college i was struck with this crazy feeling one day. i had had one of the most amazing best friends my senior year of high school. and i had totally taken him for granted.
obviously, i didn't do that on purpose. it's just that i found after being in college for a little while that nobody was quite like jared. he is funny and smart and understated. confident and thoughtful. he picked me up for school every morning of senior year and often drove me home. he gave me his opinion when it counted, and didn't judge me (too harshly) when i was a crazy adolescent. he gave me one of my favorite nicknames, which he's still the only one to use.

i visited him this weekend. he's a doctor now. real fancy. he just had his 'golden birthday'- he turned 29 on the 29th. and a month ago when we were catching up and commiserating on loneliness and life's odd turns- i found cheap tickets to go see him.

now, jared and i don't see each other very often anymore. we're the type of close friends who catch up on the phone every once in a while and it's like one long conversation. we don't have to worry about if the other has changed or if time will make things weird. it's not weird. i already know he's a phone talker who is prone to silences which some might find awkward. i fill them with random stories and questions. but when i get to SEE jared, the silences are never awkward at all. in fact, i'm reminded even more about all the things i love about him:

~we like a lot of the same movies, and he lets me give detailed synopses to get him up to speed on things.
~he gives really good hugs. he kind of plants his feet and really squeezes back in a way that let's you know you are not the only participant in the hug.
~he often knows what i am trying to say as i open my mouth to say it
~he pokes fun at me, but always at appropriate times and never too harshly
~when he's telling me about people in his life he is detailed, and he always tells me what he thinks i will like about them. which makes me feel like he has thought about it and keeps me involved in his life even when i'm not there.
~he is the only other person i know who not only owns Hook on VHS, but quotes it as frequently as i do.
~we share a love of the mighty ducks (especially D2) that no one can equal. ducks fly together.
~he remembers a lot of my embarrassing high school moments, and shares them in a way that makes me know they are part of the reason he liked being my friend back then.
~we have a song or two (oooor 4?) that are 'our songs'. and when he karaoked one with someone else last year he called me to tell me he'd "cheated" on me. but it was with a girl he had a huge crush on so it was a worthy cause.
~he has this laugh that is just great. it seems to grow as he realizes why he finds something funny.
~sometimes when we discover we like the same thing (ex: recently it's the movie "Drive", starring my bf ryan gosling) we like the same things about it (such as...the opening credits involving pink 80s writing and an awesome song we listened to on repeat all weekend)
~he really appreciates a good titular line (which is, of course, when the title of a movie is mentioned in the dialogue somewhere) as well as good tag lines. a summer of working at blockbuster will do that to you.
~it's always reassuring to know that someone knew you back then, and still really knows you now. so you haven't really changed all that much.
~and finally, we used to drive around at night and park his car in a parking lot or in front of my house and lay the seats back and stare out the windows and have long talks about "life" and how we wanted ours to end up. and jared always had these insightful things to say. it's still kind of like that. with a few Hook references thrown in, of course.

the thing about 5 miles

well this week has been interesting.

On Monday i ran 5 miles. 5.7 actually. I set out somewhat nervous, because on Sunday i was not feeling my best and only ran 3.5 miles. But i figured, ok, let's get out and see what we can do. If we can get back to 4.5 it will be a success. But as i ran, i thought, well- if i get to 4.5 i should push myself to do more. maybe 4.8? and Then i thought, screw that- 4.8? i'm not stopping that close to 5 miles. i created this goal and i'm going to accomplish it! so i ran. and ran. and ran. i got nervous of stopping early and being just shy of my goal that i added loops on to the end of my route just to make sure. Finally i thought "i must have gotten to 5 miles by now..." and came home. i got inside and immediately went to the computer to map my run. (ha, funny, i went to mapmyrun.com to do this). but when i saw the results i was so stunned i immediately re-mapped it from scratch to make sure. and i had run not only 5 miles, but 5.7! a whole .7 miles over my goal! and a week early at that! i was so shocked i stood in my room with my mouth open- mind blank. not knowing what to think really. how the hell did i do that? will i be able to do it again? should i feel more....tired?
then i called my mom. because at heart i'm a five year old girl with no one to squeal to about my accomplishment except for my mom. and she was really proud of me. so that was nice.

so it appears i need a new goal. i made my friend a hat- a new kind, gray with a navy blue stripe in the middle, to make it different. it came out pretty good! and tonight i tried a new recipe- magic bars. cookie bottom w/ dark and white chocolate chips, reeses pieces, coconut and chopped pecans on top. they are still cooling, but smell amazing.

and now what?

the thing about running was that i don't really think much while doing it. i think in snippets about my life, but don't really think anything through. i am too focused on making sure i keep moving forward and giving myself little pep talks and imagining the end of races and who will be there to cheer me on. so there isn't much time to think through the deep thoughts and issues that run through my subconscious. and i enjoy it that way. i like to get away.

but now i've reached another goal. and i feel really good about it. and i do want to keep going. but i feel....restless. and boring. people ask me what's new and i say "oh, same old. knitting. baking. moving around furniture in my living room". i ordered a new couch- which won't get here until my birthday. how can these things be the most exciting things i have to talk about?

perhaps i'm just being too negative. but i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. i'm not sure why.
i'm going to providence for the weekend to visit jared- so i'm hoping that helps boost my mood. he is always a good time and i haven't seen him since last thanksgiving. plus he's forcing me to go to a halloween party. as one of the village people..... now that's a conversation starter if i ever heard one.

october check in

i haven't forgotten about you. i think all the time about writing more, but things have been busy!


i decided to dive right in to my october goals, and i'm glad to report they are going well! I have not eaten any candy from the candy drawer this month. That doesn't mean i haven't had any candy, but i haven't binged on it from boredom just because it was there. I haven't even opened that candy drawer once. not even to look at the forbidden fruit. i know myself well enough to know that if i know what's in there..i will fantasize about it one afternoon around 3pm and perhaps break my goal. why tempt myself?


i am also working on getting to a 5 mile run. i actually can't believe how well this goal is going. i started out at 2.5 miles, and worked my way up to 4.5 today! today! its october 18th! i still have 13 days to run just another half a mile! i think i might actually accomplish this goal- and i'm both shocked and super happy, to the point where i don't want to jinx myself- but i don't really know what to do with myself if i get there. shout it from the rooftops? buy myself this new purse i've been eying? reward myself with a cheesesteak? eh, i don't even really feel in the mood for a cheesesteak- but i think the most important thing to do once i reach 5 miles is to keep running. I have a tendency to stop sometimes during the winter. I don't push myself as much, i let my skills....lapse. What's the point of being able to run 5 miles if i only do it once and then never run again? i think i should stick with it and stay healthy. eat more veggies. work on those last 5 lbs.... i'll figure it out more once i've hit the mark.


what's funny about running for me is that when i get really tired i imagine i'm at the end of a race. i imagine who would be running with me, and what we would talk about. i imagine who would be at the finish line. sometimes the finish line is at the end of each block- i push myself further telling myself i have to get to that invisible line where people are waiting for me, proud of me. and it keeps me going. i don't think i imagined running would be quite like that for me- but i guess we learn new things everyday.


i've also caught up on a lot of tv lately. i've gotten rid of some shows on my schedule, made it slightly more reasonable to keep track of. some shows (like American Horror Story, for example) are still on my bubble- i haven't quite decided if i want to keep watching them. but for the most part my schedule is set. and i'm happy about it. i watch a good mix of comedies, drama and guilty pleasure ridiculousness.


now if only i could force myself to watch my netflix movies and use it the way it should be used...to catch up on silly girly movies, classics, and seasons of tv shows i never watched while they were on the air.
well, there's always november.....

It's fall! My favorite time of year! Back to school time! or, when you're old and no longer in school- a time i associate with wearing light sweaters and starting new books and setting up my dvr for all the new tv i'll be watching...

but if i'm being honest, i haven't done as much with my september as i would have hoped. the weather is still too humid (and rainy) for me to wear any sweaters or light jackets. i haven't gone back to valley forge for any picnics. i haven't gone on any long walks kicking up leaves. i did spend a lot of time feeling sad and confused and lonely and...ridiculous. and i'm not saying those times are completely over- but i think from here on in i am gonna make more of an effort to enjoy my favorite season.

yesterday i spent a nice sunday touring the battleship new jersey by myself. it's been a while since i went on an adventure for one- because i spent a lot of time thinking how nice it would be to finally be part of a two... however, i found that i'm just as much fun as i remember. it was a nice realization. not to mention- i took pictures like this:

here i am getting very important communications on the battleship. don't i look important?


i decided today that i need to go back to setting little goals for myself. they make me feel like i have purpose, and when i complete them i feel accomplished and happy with myself. so- october 1st is this saturday. in october, i would like to finish the knitting the purple scarf i've been working on all summer. i will also stop snacking on candy at work, and i will go running more often. after not running in a week and a half- i went out and ran 2.5 miles tonight. every time i wanted to stop i said "well diana, let's see what you've got left. if you're tired- keep going". 2.5 miles isn't bad for a first run- but i've been saying for a while that i want to get to 5- and god damn it- i'm gonna get there. hopefully by the end of october!
do i want to date? do i want to "move on" and feel less lonely? yeah sure. but these things, these little goals, will get me through each day and give me things to work towards. maybe by the end of october- with some more running and less candy snacking, i will have lost the remaining 5 lbs of my grad school weight. i will wear my skinny jeans with glee on a date with someone of my choosing, and feel totally ready to be there. i may be getting ahead of myself here, but a girl's gotta have dreams.

and in the meantime there is a ton of new tv to keep me entertained. (i'll save my reviews for another day).

ah fall, thank goodness you're back.

ready set life

it seems like there is a lot happening lately. in trying to move on i tend to make decisions about my life that i've been mulling over for a while and haven't had the guts to commit to.

for instance: i want my own practice. i want to take on clients at work. i might want to look into getting my license transferred to new jersey, or new york.
i want a lot of things.
and my head gets spinning.

my days are filled with good and bad thoughts. often in rapid succession. i feel ok, i move along, i try to stay positive and think good thoughts, maybe something good happens- like i have a good conversation with someone new at work, or feel bonded to what i am doing and like i'm moving in the right direction. i get excited, i feel happy. i think of who i can share that with. i share it. i'm reminded of my recent heartbreak. i try to stop myself from getting too down. i don't cry. i try to focus on what just made me feel happy. i keep going. this might all happen in like, 5 minutes.

both of my parents have shared recently that close friends of theirs are dying. of cancer. (different forms, different battles, different states. same outcome). they are both depressed. it was recently 9/11. everyone is thinking about their lives and who is in them and who is no longer here. no one wants to waste time on petty arguments. people have been reminded that life is short and precious. spend time with those you love and cherish them.
this does not include people you love who you don't treat you well, or who don't deserve your love, or who are trying to no longer love. no one wants to be reminded or remind you of them.
so you keep going, and try to focus on the positive, the ones who are always there for you and always will be. who love you unconditionally. who always make you laugh or allow you to cry. you try to live in moments and stay happy and connected.

it is hard. life gets so complicated. time moves both slowly and quickly, never when you want it to.

fall is coming. i will take steps to meet my goals. i will keep moving and trying to laugh and stay in the moment. i will learn my worth and remember to believe in myself, because i can do anything if i really want it badly enough.

life is short. don't waste it.

twenty minutes ago i disabled  my okcupid account. it has been on and off for almost 2 years, and i think it's served it's purpose. i went on a lot of dates. i had my first taste of real dating last summer. and i met someone i truly cared about. but in the end, i am not upset to say goodbye to okcupid. i think it's time for a change.

i also moved around my living room furniture. the room looks completely different- a lot less cluttered and more open and spacious. it's quite nice. i'm already feeling a little different. of course now i also get to focus on potentially getting some new things- i want to give away or get rid of some of the furniture that's already there- and get one or two things that are practical and fit the new set up. specifically- i want to get rid of my coffee table and get a storage ottoman to use as a new one/extra seating. i want to maybe get a long and low bookshelf to put against one of the walls, and get rid of one of the end tables i was using. i want...my life to look and feel different. including my living space.
thankfully i'm still satisfied with the way my bedroom is set up- because i think i'm stuck with it the way it is. the furniture is too big and the space too small to move things around too much. but i've slowly started the cleansing process in here too- cleaning corners of the room and purging things i don't need. it's all part of my "revamp my life" kick that i've been on for the past few weeks.  it's the little things that can really make a difference and make you feel better.

also- i went back to the gym. i decided a week was enough time to really mope and eat emotionally without worrying about the consequences. now- it's back to trying to use endorphins to bust out of this. and i think i did notice a difference in my mood. i rewarded myself with shared popcorn and m&ms at the movies tonight with lisa :) nothing says "congratulations on working out!" like some junk food at the movies. i earned that shit. and i will keep earning it.

i think in the coming weeks i will finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, probably go through my closets again and get rid of things, and hopefully put the finishing touches on the living room. then i'll sit and watch all the new tv that is coming back and knit hats for my friends and plan weekend activities to take me through the fall- my favorite time of year.

i think i want to carve a pumpkin. would this be a good date activity? i also might want to go on a food truck tour. and make a dent in my 'to read' pile. and take steps towards improving my financial situation and my career. or at least identify what steps i should be taking (if i'm too scared to actually take them yet). the fall is always my favorite time of year. back to school time. no wonder i feel the need to organize- i always loved organizing my books and supplies for the year. if only i had a reason to need a spiral notebook!
by the end of fall this nagging lonely feeling will have gone away. either because i'll have found someone new or because i'll feel better about being alone again. my therapist always says no pain should be wasted- so i better put this to good use and make some positive change.

nope. life still sucks. but today is a little different than yesterday.

today i decided to see what it was like to look at things from a different perspective.

anger. i can only hold onto it for short periods of time, but it's there. and it feels...empowering. it makes you feel better and stronger.
until it disappears and i'm left feeling weak and ache-y again.
but hey, at least i'm trying.

things that make me feel better:
reading gossip magazines
reading, in general
talking on the phone
washing dishes
knitting
thinking about new things i can learn
reading old funny blog posts
thinking about how to rearrange my living room furniture
thinking about a time when i will no longer feel sad, and more than that- will not even remember why i was so sad to begin with

things that, surprisingly, are not helping:
watching hgtv- i used to love watching this during the summer. now i lose interest after 10 seconds
watching tv in general
eating or baking
my own pep talks (usually my fav)
dressing up
spending time alone with my thoughts

things that could go either way:
music- i find that i can't handle music lately. i don't want to feel whatever it will make me feel. i'd rather sit in silence and zone out
talking about what happened or how i'm dealing with it- i either feel weird or pathetic or just like no one actually gives a shit. unless of course they do and are helpful and then its ok.
breathing- eh, sometimes it gets challenging and then i get upset for no reason (i believe this is called a 'panic attack'. they are becoming less frequent by the day). i keep doing it though, don't worry.

overall, i suppose today sucked less than yesterday.
who knows, tomorrow might be better.
if i can hold onto more anger i'll be able to propel myself forward a bit more.
time. give it time.
i'm trying to focus on the freedom of feeling crappy. and allow myself to do whatever the fuck i want.

i hate everything

well, life sucks. i have been feeling on the edge of suckage for a little bit, but i've tipped the scales into full blown "i hate life and i'm not sure i will ever like it again" mode.

my job feels like a lot of busy work and not enough fulfilling client interaction. my co-workers are also feeling negative and overall i'd say morale is...low.
i've essentially stopped running, or at least running very well or with any kind of regularity or passion behind it.
and i broke up, yet again, with the boy i have cared about for the better part of 2011.
so basically, life just sucks all around. and i'm sitting on the couch with blue emo nail polish watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' to remind myself that life could be worse....i could be part of that family. AND ITS NOT EVEN WORKING- AT LEAST THEY HAVE CRAZY BODIES AND ARE IN BORA BORA. well no, they are ridiculous people and i would never want to be part of that.
but still. you get my point.

i just keep...moping. i feel so stuck. after an emotional three hour break up conversation, this boy- who i can't help but care about- looks me in the eyes and says "this can't be the end of us. it just can't". he wants to be my best friend. he wants to stay in my life, and more importantly have me stay in his. but how can that be? how can it be anything But the end. we've gone round and round, and in the end, while we might care for each other and be 'best friends'- i guess we don't want the same things, in life or from each other. and so- it just won't work. and that is the most heartbreaking of all.

but why why does this always happen to me??? EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS! i am a good friend, yes, but really? i don't think i understand. maybe i'm not attractive to men? maybe i give off too much of a 'friend/just one of the guys' vibe? i really don't think i understand.
personally- i love my friends. they are amazing. but. i want to be in a relationship. a real one. and yes, i think good relationships are based on good friendships. but they evolve into More than that. i think that whoever i end up with will be my Best Friend. who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? i think that sounds like the most fun thing in the world! why am i caring about people who look at me and say "can't we just be best friends?"
it's just.....no. no we can't. because apparently, i have just been informed (by someone who thinks they know everything about relationships) that in fact men Don't want to be with their best friends. and their friends are important, but not who a guy will want to go home to at the end of the night. because men are RETARDED. seriously. i hate them all.

and that's just....sucky.
the whole world is fucking sucky.

so i will sit here. and do everything in my power to distract myself. and push myself further away from the past and the person i've spoken to everyday, because i can't be in love with my best friend. especially when they don't love me.
and even though i know all of this, and logically it is my decision to step away and seek something that will be better for me in the long run, i can't help but miss him. and feel lonely. and negative. and like things will never change for me. 
and i can hate life, and feel unmotivated and stuck and unhappy. and put all of my energy into putting one foot in front of the other and going to work and seeing my friends and taking one day at a time until slowly, hopefully, the world will suck a little less. and i'll feel slightly less unhappy, and maybe even more motivated to do things that make me happy. but today i don't have much hope. maybe tomorrow. but probably not.

ciao

i'm going to come out and say it. i have loved italy for as long as i can remember. my sister always had a thing for england- the beer, the cheese, the tall gangly men with bad teeth.....
but me? give me italy any day. gelato. pizza. wine. pasta. these are basic food groups. not to mention- the scenery? the history? good lord, the architecture...
part of my heart belongs in italy. always has.
in my family it has always been a tradition to go abroad in college. so when the time came, i decided to spend my year in rome.
rome. one of the greatest places on earth.
i spent nine glorious months living in rome. i ate, i walked, i learned, i walked some more, i visited the vatican a total of 10 times (10. whenever people come to visit they always want to see the sistine chapel....) i was giving my own personal tours of the forum. i knew side streets and local restaurants. i brushed up on my italian in the local supermarket. i learned the bus system. i had a room that looked out onto a small orange garden (i'd call it a grove, but it was only 2 or 3 trees). in many many ways it was an amazing year.
that was 8 years ago. 8 long years. in that time i've had dreams about rome. i'm walking on the streets from campo di fiori back to my neighborhood in trastevere. there's distant music playing in the background, there's a slight breeze. the buildings are old and kind of dirty, which suits them just fine. the streets are cobbled. and i feel oddly at home.
and finally- finally, i'm going back. tomorrow night i'm getting on a plane and spending 4 full days in one of my favorite places. followed by 4 more days in verona- city of romeo and juliet (among other things). it seems surreal. i don't think i'll truly feel excited until i step off the plane into the heat and noise of the city. at which point i'll probably giggle with glee, and want to run around hugging the buildings (especially the really really old ones).

so in the next week, think of me- in my own personal paradise. walking around with my eyes wide, smiling at everything and just relaxing back into my life. the most amazing part of life, which usually exists solely on vacation. :)

one more day

you cannot hold onto something that was never yours to begin with.
i mean, you can- but what's the point?

life is not like the movies. Especially the Notebook. life is not like the notebook. ryan gosling will not spend a year writing you letters daily and then pine for you and build you a house. you will not get to make out with ryan gosling in the rain and then rip your wet clothes off to have amazing movie sex. very few people get to do that. if you are waiting for your life to be like the notebook, you should just give up now.

similarly, whoever it is you are waiting for is not going to change his (or her) mind and magically be waiting for you on your stoop when you get home to tell you that he can't live without you because you are so awesome that knowing you has been life changing, and therefore life without you has been empty and sad. that just doesn't happen.
most of the time if someone has decided they can do without you- it's because they can. yes, maybe they were scared, or maybe they had already met someone else, or maybe the timing was just wrong.  there are a plethora of reasons why things don't work out- and you can't waste your life waiting for the situation to be different.

in (my) real life, people (me) go on dates with men with the hopes that a miracle will happen and there will be some kind of mutual spark- physical and intellectual attraction that will lead to a never ending date filled with laughter and conversation and kisses that cause spontaneous fireworks. oh wait- real life. right. the dates are usually awkward, or interesting enough but without any spark. the men are either way too eager or not at all interested. sometimes there is nothing really wrong, but it doesn't feel right because someone (me) has spent too many years watching movies and tv and expecting all of the "right" things to happen, only to be gravely disappointed at real life.

case in point: friday night. i wore a dress. and lipstick. and brushed my hair. i made sure to be on time. we met at tria near rittenhouse, which i thought would be too crowded at 7pm on a friday. turns out i was right- but my date had made backup reservations at the restaurant across the street- which just happened to be the Dandelion (stephen starr. british pub), a place i have been wanting to go. we had a great meal. there was prosecco. and cheese. and cous cous. and he paid for it while i was in the bathroom (note- i was not running away from the bill, i thought it would take longer to come to the table because the restaurant was busy and the service somewhat slow, but when a man pays while you're powdering your nose- you do not complain.) it was delightful. my date was gracious and interesting and very different from the men i would normally be interested in. he is a veteran, was injured (but is ok), is now finishing his bachelors- while also volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans and an lgbt clinic. he does karate and runs in his spare time. he is also italian, and shared an amazing story about his family being cursed to always have male children and three nipples. (apparently the curse is real. he has three nipples. he magically became shy when i bluntly asked for more details surrounding this issue. apparently i taught him not to share personal information if you don't plan on having a detailed conversation about it.) after dinner we walked and talked and sat in various parks. he walked me to my corner. we hugged. overall i think it was a success. and yet....

and yet. here i am. sitting here in my apartment. alone. wondering why i can't just have what i want. why dating has to be so hard. and if this is really all my fault. instead i chose to get up and start furiously cleaning and throwing things away (which feels oddly freeing) and deciding that no- this isn't entirely my fault. its society's fault. for teaching me- through tv and movies- that i should get swept off my feet by a tall handsome man who will magically possess all of the qualities i've been looking for. and also be a secret prince or own an island. and have excellent taste in music- which will play in the montage of us falling in love all over the city.

OH MY GOD. STOP IT.

this doesn't exist. you will never be as happy as the characters in the Notebook- and on second glance- they went through a lot of pain in that movie. everyone in ryan gosling's family died. there were a lot of tears. and ryan gosling and rachel mcadams dated in real life! twice! and even They couldn't make it work! i'm sure they felt very disappointed that reality is much different from the movie they had made- and they weren't, in fact, fated to be together forever and row into old age on a creek in the south....

life might be more like the movie Bridesmaids...where you get food poisoning and end up shitting in the street. or run from sweet police officers with accents because you are scared of something real, and then realize too late and they no longer want anything to do with you. or you throw a tantrum at your best friend's bridal shower because your life has fallen apart and you can't stand to see a giant cookie with their names written on it in icing that no one in their right mind would ever eat. yes, the movie Bridesmaids is so much closer to reality than anyone would like to admit....
and the best part? the surprise addition/reintroduction of Wilson Phillips "Hold On" back into my life.
yes folks, i'm listening to this gem right now. and it is providing me with sweet sweet wisdom:

i know there's pain.
why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
no one can change your life except for you.
don't ever let anyone step all over you. just open your heart and your mind.
is it really fair to feel this way inside?
whoa
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye
until then baby are you gonna let em hold you down and make you cry
don't you know, don't you know, if you change- things will go your way
if you hold on, for one more day

oh wilson phillips...how did you get to be so wise?
do not let anyone hold you down and make you cry. just because the one you wanted didn't want you, doesn't mean you will be alone forever. and just because you don't get to have delicious movie rain sex with ryan gosling doesn't mean you won't get to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone who maybe looks like him in the right lighting?
no one can change your life except for you! stop holding on to things that were never real, and never yours. be happy with who you are, what you have, and open your heart and your mind.
and when things are rough- use your friends, your sponsor, your co-workers, your therapist, your family, your pet- and hold on for one more fucking day. things will get better.

summer check-in

hello.

life is busy. i'm doing by best to keep busy, and i realized that i'm actually doing a good job of checking things off of my list for the summer!

i went back to look at all the things i wanted to do, and here are the things i've accomplished so far:

~toured Eastern State Penitentiary- Mimi and Jeff and i had a sunday funday and went on the audio tour. and it was really cool!! i strongly recommend it if you like...history and...prisons. (no really, it was cool.)
~picnic at valley forge. its beautiful there. and peaceful. i'll probably go back when it's not so humid.
~i've been to Rehobeth beach once! and i'm hopefully going again this weekend, and again in august (if not sooner) :)
~i have eaten more seafood- i went out for an amazing greek seafood meal two weeks ago. i hope to have fresh crabs this weekend in rehobeth. yum i'm exciting just thinking about it.
~i'm still working on my scarf and am in the process of knitting a hat for caitlin. celine got a hat when she was visiting a few weeks ago- and there are more to come!
~i started hanging out with some girls from work! i went to a bbq this weekend with some of them- and while i was nervous at first- because i didn't really know a lot of people and i'm pretty sure i was the only single person there, but it was fun! and i'm glad that i went- and i told myself "diana- when people invite you places, you go- because otherwise you stop getting invited". and so i went, and i had fun, and i hope to do it again!

i have been working on the positivity thing- it is hard to remember sometimes. i'm also working on flossing daily, but i think i've increased my flossing at least, which is good. i am also working on telling people i care about them. i think it's important, especially because i've been so out of it lately- it feels nice to reconnect with people.
i am actively trying to ride a vespa- i keep seeing them everywhere! but there's never anyone on one that i can ask for a ride. plus, it will be super creepy of me to approach someone on their vespa and ask for a ride around the block- but i feel like somehow i can make this happen.
i'm also still in the process of cleaning/streamlining. i cleaned the bedroom when my mom was visiting two weeks ago- so that was progress. Still have to work on the living room though. help is always appreciated!!!

things i'm adding to my list for the summer:

the magic garden
keep trying to teach myself how to whistle
maybe learn to cartwheel

i think that one month into summer i'm doing a pretty good job of tackling the list. who knows- maybe by fall i really will have done them all!!

the selfish side of life

when i look at some of the things i write on this blog (including my last post), i feel sometimes that it's all self indulgent shmaltzy bullshit. no one wants to read this. i write it to try and make myself feel better. i should maybe just keep a journal.

but.

my friend jane told me to write. to keep writing when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm...whatever. so that in the future i can go back and look at it and be like 'hmm so that is how i was feeling, interesting'. will this help? who knows? lucky for you i have agreed to keep writing about how i feel.
and i realize that lately what i have been feeling is selfish. i have my reasons. they are somewhat valid, if not completely so. but they are what they are. i don't want to make excuses. i have been completely and totally wrapped up in my own shit. this involves work- adjusting to my new job (which is more boring and i don't want to talk about), and my pathetic love life.

for the past six months my love life has been as follows:
girl meets boy.
girl likes boy.
boy is fucked up which should turn girl off, but does not.
girl dates boy.
boy breaks girl's heart by deciding he wants to go back to his ex girlfriend
girl cuts off boy and goes out with no fewer than four Other boys- none of whom she likes as much
girl is considering taking a break from dating
boy makes vague attempt to reach out after having been dumped, again, by the ex he left girl for
girl and boy reconnect, decide to become friends
girl tries to create boundaries for herself- fails.
girl and boy quickly go back to being close, but do not date.
girl pretends this is all ok, shoves any attempts at feelings aside
girl and boy get drunk, make some potentially bad decisions
girl realizes feelings don't just go away because we want them to
boy is too fucked up to stop this train wreck
girl decides she has to let boy go in order to regain control of her life. girl breaks her own heart in making this decision. girl asks boy to help by letting her go. boy agrees.
girl cries.

annnnd scene.

with all that emotion going on, it's no wonder i have been selfish. and heartbreak does not make it easier. heartbreak has the potential to make one even More selfish- although, i'm going to try hard to get out of that pattern. i think maybe focusing on other people and things will help. something has to help. but i just don't know how much extra emotion i have at the moment.

so i apologize for my selfishness. i apologize if i haven't been around enough, or attentive enough. or preoccupied with my own head and heart. i will try to do better, while at the same time try to take better care of myself and avoid repeating past mistakes.

it's all really a work in progress. i hope you understand.

it has been an interesting few days.
what i know is that life doesn't stop because i am on an emotional roller coaster. my friends continue to exist and have problems and get exciting news and need or want to talk to me. my cat continues to curl up on my lap at night and purr when i'm around and kiss my arms to make me feel better. my mom continues to call and check in and let me know what ballet she saw this week and which meal my grandmother seemed to enjoy the best.

and somehow, somewhere in there, small changes seep in if you let them.

let me go back. jimmie the psychic told me to spend 21 months focusing on myself. learning my worth. my therapist told me to love myself more and put myself first. my friends tell me that i'm lovable and amazing and they will always be there for me. and it took me until the last few days to start believing they were all on to something.
i didn't even know it was there until it was- in my conscious thought, screaming: "ENOUGH NOW. YOU COME FIRST." i realized that i have choices, and i have a voice- a strong one, and i can use it. i know what is best for me, and i'm the only one who can make that happen.
and while change is hard, and letting people go is hard, and realizing that friendships change is hard- this is life. and so while i feel sad, i also feel oddly calm. because i know that i am making the right choices, and i am sticking up for myself. it may feel crappy and i might want to cry or scream or never get out of bed again, but those feelings will pass- and i will be left with the knowledge that i tried, and i care, and i continue to learn and experience and grow. and in the end i will be so so much better for it.

and i do want to be better. nicer to myself, more attentive to my friends, more available to the people who sincerely care about me and want me to let them in. better at life.
and so i will continue to work on it. and keep trying to laugh instead of wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. and look for the signs from the universe that i am going in the right direction.

there was a lightening bug in my apartment tonight. at first i thought it was a gross scary looking thing, until it lit up- and i saw that it was harmless and wonderful. mimi told me it was a sign, but i'm just looking at it as a reminder.

first friday = free fun (aka- why i love lisa)

i was feeling very conflicted about what to do tonight. when i got out of work this afternoon i had a few options, but honestly the thing that sounded the best was taking a nap and just waiting for it to be tomorrow. luckily for me a) i've gotten better at ignoring that option and b) lisa called.

oh lisa. you are so fun. not only is lisa one of my only single friends in philly- she loves to go out and do fun things and meet people. since i'm still in my 'just say yes to things' phase of things when she called asking if i wanted to do first friday and then head up to north bowl to go to a fundraiser for our friend kristen's job, i said "yes. of course. sure!" (something like that, but equally enthusiastic). this led me to forgo the nap, go visit kelly for one of our regular life pep talks (this one about my recently purchased bikini and her 'sexy mole' that apparently has moved with age...long story) and get my shit together to go out for the night.

and let me tell you- it was grand! its gorgeous outside, lisa is fun, first friday is awesome, and i was wearing one of my favorite navy blue tops. i mean really- good things all around. and then you throw in "i think if we go to third street there's free alcohol somewhere"- i mean, hello. we are there. lisa and i are jewish, and i don't think i'm being rude to say- we dig free shit. for reals. free mini bottles of shampoo? sure! free brownie/marshmallow/rice crispie treat? yes please! free ORGANIC ROOT LIQUEUR mixed with gingerale or birch beer? ummmm, can i park it here all night? (cause i'm gonna....) i'm pretty sure there was also some free cheese somewhere in there, and then later- when we finally did stroll over to north bowl, free dinner. also- free compliments from men on the street (ha, we must stay in good spirits, i'm pretty sure they meant well)

however- here is an amusing anecdote about how i am terrible with men:
while in line for round two of root liqueur (free, again)- a cute hipsterish fellow carrying a bike helmet and wearing plaid came and stood behind us in line. i had a tiny fleeting hope that maybe he had a vespa (please see previous post- riding a vespa is on my list of things to do this summer, it might as well belong to a cute boy). i inquired about his helmet, which was for a bike (let's face it- he's a hipster. he probably lives in west philly or no libs and bikes everywhere), and we started chatting. schuyler- his real name- is from upstate new york. i know a thing or two about upstate new york, having went to school there and having friends who are from there, and also i'm going there next weekend for a wedding. new friend schuyler knew exactly where i am going next weekend, and thinks he might know the dj for my friends wedding (random? yes. and yet, i was not at all surprised by this- my life works like this sometimes). i was like- ok i will go talk to the dj at the wedding next week and let you know if it's the guy you know- but how will i tell you? ohh right this is where we exchange names and then he tells me to "look him up on facebook"- because that's how it's done now. and i'm all "ok. i will really do this. don't be surprised when a picture of a hula girl tries to befriend you on facebook". by this time he does seem to be a genuinely nice person (and of age, i checked), and we've all gotten our root liqueur and i got antsy to go back outside. i was like "wait, are you here by yourself?" (i think i would have found it endearing if he was, but also a little odd)- but no he was with friends who were back in line for root liqueur. and the thought crossed my mind "oh ok good he has friends so we can go and we're not leaving him alone or anything"- so i was like- ok well have a fun night! see you on facebook! and then lisa and i left. we had not stepped more than 1 foot outside when lisa was like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HE THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE". huh? i don't understand. i talk to random strangers all the time. this doesn't mean anything. was i supposed to do something different?
 lisa: "he was there with FRIENDS, way to be my wingman, i would have stayed in there drinking more root liqueur!!! you are bad at this!"
me: frowny face. "oh. i didn't really realize what was happening. i thought we wanted to walk around? it was getting hot in there? i'm pretty sure he didn't actually think i was cute- he was just nice!"
lisa: "seriously? you are bad at this"
me: "perhaps this is why i'm always single"...."sorry i'm a shitty wingman"

thankfully lisa didn't hold this against me, and we continued on our way to free cheese tasting, finding a possible new brunch spot, meeting a cool guy who makes awesome jewelry, and heading up to north bowl- where i promptly housed some free salad and tater tots (they are the best tots, as voted by the WTTO- world tater tot organization. do not try to resist). we also made friends with a friendly white rasta man who owns an interesting store near the bowling alley, took pictures in a photobooth (to be posted at a later date perhaps) and saw a girl hula-hooping with fire, before we called it a night. and i'm pretty sure i only spent about $18, including the cab ride home.

best friday night in a while.

oh, and i totally came home and found schuyler on facebook.

tomorrow: ROHOBETH! :)