a very merry unbirthday

it's been a long time folks. welcome, welcome to my head. pardon me as i change into my cardigan and slippers.

what prompted my return to the blog, you ask? well, i think it began when i randomly started crying last night while telling my boyfriend a story about my dad from childhood. we were also watching a thunderstorm at the time. it was all very picturesque. until i wiped my nose on his blanket.
then this morning i went into work and the first time i typed out the date it hit me:
Today is my half birthday. it's not such a big deal. i don't usually notice these things (honest). but today means that I will be 30 in 6 months. Exactly.
30.

i'd like to think that my realization of this was unrelated to the fact that i was close to tears on and off for most of the day, but i could not be totally sure. here i thought i was going to be all prepared and not freak out about turning 30. who cares? my late 20s have been fun. from what i hear life gets better in your 30s. you are "more relaxed with yourself" and "over trying to prove things to other people like in your 20s". two magazines have recently stated that a woman is most beautiful at 34! so what is there to be worried about?

oh, well, since you asked- how about the fact that i was supposed to lose 5 lbs, which has since turned into 8 (wrong direction diana!). or i still have to read that Suze Orman book and stop being so frivolous and start saving for things like a house. or a new car.
or the private practice i started that has no clients.

i have been good at meeting some of my goals- i ran the Broad St Run and I finally went to the Strand. and i did put in the effort of organizing and starting a private practice. it just hasn't really taken off. and i haven't done anything about it.

i'm not sure what i thought my life would look like when i turned 30- but i don't think it was quite like this. i still don't feel like a fully functioning adult. i mean, i know where my passport is and i pay my electric bill on time. But i am not close to owning a house or affording children or even being able to jet off somewhere for a weekend without planning/saving for it in advance.  i whine a lot and i have bouts of random crying when something makes me super happy or super sad (or sometimes just because....)  i don't always know if i'm being a good daughter/friend/girlfriend. i get lost in my own head lately more times than i can count. i don't even capitalize my i's for christ's sake! how will i know where i stand in the world?

what i do know is this: i have 6 months to feel more comfortable with this idea. to mentally 'prepare'. to motivate myself to start running again (did i mention that after Broad St i....gave up running?), to cook more and laugh more and save money to plan vacations. to accept that this is where i am in my life. and if i want to be somewhere else- i'm the only one who can get me there.

what i want is to feel like the best version of myself. i'm not perfect, and i'm certainly not good at everything. but i should try to do my best, so when i look back on my life i don't think "gee, what could have happened if i had tried harder, or wasn't afraid of falling on my face"?
I think my biggest flaw is that i'm sometimes afraid of looking or feeling stupid. I don't want to fail, so i try to pick very realistic things. maybe it's time to think bigger. push myself further. drag myself over this invisible aging line feeling good about myself and my choices and my future.

it's going to be an interesting 6 months.