90 in 90

hello again. or should i say 'we meet again', dear readers/great white ether. its april 2010. i had intended to start writing more religiously with the start of the new year. but you know, shit happens, and then blink- its already april. i missed a whole quarter of the year. whoops.

well, that's why i'm here. i had an epiphany tonight. aided by marc banks, my favorite former resident of south hempstead, i have decided to do something called '90 in 90'. if you're an addict, you know what this means. in the D+A field (that is drug and alcohol, for all you laypeople), 90 in 90 means going to 90 meetings in 90 days. or- one a day. it supposedly helps with sobriety and provides a support system for someone who is newly sober or going through a rough patch in their sobriety.
so- how does this fit into my life, you ask? good question.

as i was walking home from another unsuccessful and surprisingly boring date, i called marc banks to discuss the sorry state of my life. at one point i had dreams. goals. ambitions. and i remember what they are! in fact, i still have them from time to time! my problem? self discipline. as in, i have none. zero. zilch. nada. i may set totally realistic goals for myself - but inevitably i give up and move on to the next thing. it's like i'm ADD about my life.

for example- i want to lose 10 lbs. this is a totally reasonable and realistic goal. i have been officially 'losing 10 lbs' since march 1st. i've lost zero pounds. (but i havent gained any either- so i consider this a small victory. and no, i'm not asking for your opinion). i'm not giving up on this goal just yet. in fact, i think i'm slowly dedicating myself too it each day. for instance, tonight i actually decided NOT to go get gelato with Ben like we usually do on thursdays (sorry ben). this was after my decision to regain some semblance of self-discipline though, so i couldn't exactly rededicate myself to a goal and then go and eat gelato now could i? also, before my date tonight i ate a brownie and a weight watchers ice cream pop and called it dinner. so eating gelato after the fact just seemed....gross.

another example- i want to be more of a writer. i think i have a personality that may lend itself to.....self-centered essays. or you know, writing about life. (hence this blog, hellooooo) not that i want to only write about myself. i just want to practice writing in general. get better at it, do it more regularly, see if i can figure out a way to translate it into more of a productive and maybe one day lucrative hobby. i've had this idea for a while. months, years, whatever. i told myself when the new year started i'd blog more regularly and just see how i felt about it. and look what day it is? I MEAN SERIOUSLY, i need help.

anyway, i digress. the point is- self discipline. i continually disappoint myself by not following through on goals or activities i want to try because i get lazy and ridiculous. i justify sitting on the couch and zoning out from the world. not cool diana, not cool.

and it's going to stop. today. well, i'm hoping to take baby steps anyway, starting right now. i am going to do my own version of 90 in 90. i am going to kick my addiction to laziness and my inability to follow through on personal goals. and i'm hoping somewhere along the way i will learn a little bit about myself and maybe feel a little better about my abilities as a productive human being.

so here goes: from today, april 8, 2010 until july 8, 2010 i will either write or work out (or both) everyday. i mean it. i can do this. i can. people beat addictions and find time to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. as marc banks told me earlier: "if president obama can find an hour a day to work out, i can find an hour and a half 4 times a week....". right. what he said.

as my reward, marc banks told me he will come visit me the weekend i finish in july! and you know, incentives really help boost my motivation. (i have also said i'm not buying any new clothes until i lose weight. a statement i regret saying almost weekly- and one that has resulted in an increase in jewelry purchases since march 1st) i came home from the park, where i had that fateful phone converastion, and spent 2 1/2 hours watching tv (ok so that's not proving my point- but read on). i was tired, and i wanted to just go to bed. but i did manage to turn down gelato and not eat any evening snacks. i figured 'marc won't really care if i start tomorrow, will he? or saturday?' and then i was brushing my teeth and thinking "i can't let marc down. i promised him i'd start this today" but more than that- this is for ME. and i have to stop thinking it's ok to let myself down. it's not. if you want to get better, you have to make a change. and just like michael jackson- i'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror.

so 90 in 90 starts......now.