stuck

i am stuck on this idea. this idea that i am somehow unapproachable and unfriendly. that all those years ago conor was right that my 'vibe' is keeping me alone. i feel like i need to fix it, but i haven't the slightest clue how to go about doing that.

what did i watch tonight? oh, that's right: the challenge. the only mtv show i continue to watch, because it shows a bunch of crazy people acting like assholes for the sake of a 'game'. it made me feel better about myself, because no matter how i come off, these people are definitely less stable.

but i digress. i was out for my thursday night stroll/gelato run with ben tonight (after audria's birthday dinner- happy birthday audria!!) and we were discussing this whole concept. i asked for his opinion, and he nicely told me that perhaps i may seem like someone who would be 'hard to please'. to his credit, i asked his opinion, and he did actually seem sincere and thoughtful in this answer. his contribution was this: i may seem hard to please because i'm articulate and sure of myself (and let's face it: opinionated), and therefore i may have expectations that a lot of guys aren't prepared to deal with. i think this is a pretty fair assessment, and i wholeheartedly appreciate ben's willingness to help me talk this out.
i feel like there's more though. do i seem like i'd be high maintenance? because honestly i don't think i would be, however i also am beginning to think that the way i come off when i meet people, especially guys that i am interested in, is definitely not the way i normally am.

and i see this as a problem. a problem i don't know quite how to fix. i want to be more approachable. but i don't know how to make myself less articulate or opinionated- nor do i really think i should have to. perhaps i need to come across like i have fewer expectations. but that seems somehow- off. (i almost said promiscuous, but that's only partially what i mean) i do have some expectations- like for instance if you like me and want to see me again, i expect you to contact me in some fashion. that seems like common sense, not an expectation. i do not expect us to fall in love in a week and start doodling each other's names at work. i do not expect gifts, or to be treated to dinner at every date (i'm more than willing to pay my own way). but is that the vibe i give off? I JUST DON'T KNOW.

what i do know, is that something that i seem to be doing just isn't working.
and i am stuck feeling lonely.
no matter how many friends i have or activities i plan- and trust me i've been plenty busy this week- at least once a day i find myself feeling lonely. and frankly, i'm sick of it.
i just wish i knew how to change it.