fall in summary

it looks like i've been gone for a while.

oops.

lots of things happen in the fall. tv starts back up (that takes up a lot of time), i've been off visiting/hosting visitors, my stove broke down for good, and i recently took up twitter (ugh, i know). oh, and i re-read all of harry potter, took a trip to the wizarding world of harry potter in orlando, and am anxiously awaiting the 7th movie to open (in 18 days and counting).
see? fall! my favorite time of year!

i realized that it felt like a long time since my last blog, so i thought i'd come back for an update. honestly, i've been thinking about what to write for a few days now. my brain is kind of drawing a blank. writer's block, perhaps?

i haven't been on a date in over a month, but i have been quite busy. this past weekend was girls weekend- arielle and ilyse came down to visit and we watched 4 movies, did some shopping, and ate our way around philadelphia. it was.....amazing.

we also managed to purchase a new stove- a 24" GE gas range, being delivered on Saturday (thank you Home Depot).
next up is a new washer/dryer. it's about time i was able to do my own laundry again, don't you think?
i've decided to get my apartment in order so 2011 can be the year my apartment looks amazing and i can have a lot of social gatherings.

this all feels quite discombobulated, sorry about that. i need to get back in the swing of this blogging thing and get my creative juices flowing.

tonight i ran for 2.46 miles! more importantly, i ran for 5 1/2 minutes, then 7 minutes (!) and then another 7 minutes (!!) which makes a total of 19 1/2 minutes out of 30 that i spent running!

there are a lot of exclamation points up there because frankly running for 19 out of 30 minutes is not something i ever thought i was capable of doing. and here i am doing it!
even more interesting is that i actually LIKE running.

i ran saturday morning (not my best showing), sunday night, and tonight. and i have no intention of stopping. i want to run ideally every other day.
you know why? because i can see some improvement!
when i first started running i went under 2 miles in 25 minutes. and slowly i've been able to run a little bit more and for a little bit longer. and i think the ability to see improvement is what keeps me going. plus, i have a goal (and you know how i feel about goals), and every time i get closer to that goal i feel more proud of myself. which is kind of addicting actually. proving to yourself that you can do something that you never thought you could (no really, i Never thought this was possible. ever) is empowering.
and sadly (or not?) it's what's keeping me going right now.

i find that i want to write a lot. but i don't want to waste all the space on this blog complaining. that is boring for all of us. so for now, i'm saying that i am getting better at something! and running is one thing i feel like i have some small amount of control over! which is really important to me actually. so until i feel like i have something more important/better/more interesting to say, i'll just stick to talking about running.

here goes nothin...

lately i've been thinking. well honestly, i'm always thinking. but this week- i was thinking about how i feel like in the last few weeks i haven't had much of a direction.
i feel ambivalent about work. i have no more interviews set up and months before i will even hear from the VA.
i have no dates lined up. no plans.
i just feel kind of blah.

and i'm kind of tired of complaining about it.

nevertheless, i was at my therapist's office on tuesday. and she said, and i quote, "do you always need to have a direction?" yes, yes i do. where am i going? what am i working towards?
she wasn't buying it. she said (and again, i quote) "maybe you need to learn how to just....live". what, like be in the moment? not think about my goals? my future? the possibility i will end up alone with a million cats and a large collection of scarves? how do i Not think about that?
the answer is: i don't know.
apparently, not only am i 'goal oriented', but i'm lost without a goal/purpose/something to focus on that can get me through the day. just 'living' is....weird.

however, i value my therapist's opinion and advice. and maybe i do need to just let things be and learn to be satisfied with them. i have friends. i have a job. i can pay the bills. life isn't terrible, and i should learn to 'ride the wave', or whatever.

i want to be more spontaneous. take more risks. live like i don't worry about what people may think- or what i fucking think. just do. laugh. be.

god. i sound like such a hippie. but apparently, my new task (along with running, which is going well) is to learn how to just live and be happy with where i'm at. which is really going to be more difficult than it sounds....

born to...jog

so this running/jogging thing seems to have stuck. for now at least. but since i've started setting goals for my running, i think it'll stick around for a little while.

as it turns out, i'm planning on running a 5K in november. i haven't registered yet- but...i plan to.

more importantly, i plan on running it!

i've been working on my intervals, and as of last night i ran 2.07 miles in 25 minutes. well, 'ran' is the overall term, but they always start with a 5 minute warm up walk, and then intervals of running and 'brisk walking' for 20 minutes.
when i first started running, i went 1.5 miles. so i'm pretty happy to be up a little over 2 in just a few weeks. i think i can make it to 3 miles by november, right?

my new running shoes are working swimmingly! once i got the right size (which, i should say, is extremely important) the sneakers have been helping me stay injury free (well, at least that's what leslie says is so important about having proper running sneakers). so for anyone who wants to know- puma's, despite having a previously negative running shoe reputation, are working pretty great. so far- they are highly recommended.

and more than the sneakers, something weird is actually happening. i find that i am -'excited' -to run. i'm actually starting to look forward to it. this might be because i like challenging myself, or maybe it's because i like seeing the tiny bits of progress i make as i run. or maybe i just like that i run and feel tired and sweaty and proud of myself.
but i can say, i definitely don't hate it as much as i thought i would.
so cheers to that!

so here's what happened...

i interviewed this morning at the Mazzoni Center, an LGBT clinic right near my house. the job actually seems pretty great. a welcome change and a new challenge. except i'm not going to get the job, because when they asked me why i wanted to work with the LGBT population i stumbled and said "well- gay people LOVE me". which was immediately followed with "i mean, i've always had gay friends. even in high school, gay people have loved me (and my sister). and i just feel like, you know, i'm good with them. and am fully able to handle issues pertaining to them."
UMMMMM this is like the moment Bridget Jones is supposed to be interviewing a fireman on live tv and falls down the pole, landing ass-first on the camera.
GAY PEOPLE LOVE ME. AT A JOB INTERVIEW.

clearly, i'm not getting that job. shame, i would have been good at it.

and then today was Super busy at work. followed by down time staring at the computer dazed and unable to be productive. rating men's profiles on okcupid. just one day after declaring that i'm done with online dating. what can i say, judging is fun.
obviously that's a terrible thing to say, and probably a terrible way to look at it. but whatever. it's true. and it's not 'dating' if you're not actually meeting anyone. so i can still say i've given it up for now. until the moment i decide to organize another date. but whatever.

then tonight i came home to 'run'. i hadn't gone in about a week. and i got a stitch about 10 minutes in. but i didn't give up! and i actually went 1.89 miles, whereas last week i went 1.55 and 1.6 miles, respectively. sooo maybe that's a big of progress? i also got this watch at target yesterday that let's me time my intervals so i can properly do the couch to 5K workout. which is running for 60 seconds and walking for 90. except i do my best to run as long as i can, which is anywhere from 60-120 seconds, before walking again. i think this running thing will be interesting. and it makes me feel accomplished. so, there's that.

and now i've just watched monday night showtime tv. which is weeds and the big C right now. both of which are entertaining. although the big C is truly amazing. i'd love to be laura linney, except, you know, without the big C (cancer).
i'm going to get into bed and read another chapter in "one day", which is quickly turning into one of my new favorite books that i will insist everyone read.

an eventful day. if i do say so myself.

ah sunday night, we meet again.

here's what's been sloshing around my head recently:

~i am done with online dating for a while. i think. i went on two dates last week, both sadly unsuccessful. not like, 'aw shucks, maybe the next one', more like- 'this is just becoming sad'. i think i'm trying too hard. trying to force something into being that just isn't happening. i've met three guys in the past month. and they have done a good job of distracting me briefly. but they've also done a good job of making me realize what's a good date and what's a not so good date. and what i've come up with is what i was feeling a few months ago (at the beginning of the summer). i'm done with online dating for a while. it serves a purpose, but i just don't think i'm going to meet anyone i can date in the long term online. and while i realize that outside of the online world, i've had trouble meeting people in the past, perhaps what i need to work on is being more approachable in the real world. or just doing things to meet more people in general. in person. doing fun things. sooo yeah. new focus.

~running. i've officially decided to take up 'running'. i have some goals, both short and long term. but in any event, i've bit the bullet and tried this running thing (only twice so far) and think i might stick with it for a little bit. oddly enough, it was my therapist who said something that got me to actually start. i have been throwing this idea around in my head for a while. and i decided to do what i usually do when i set out to do something: tell people about it. the logic is that once i've told people about it, i have to follow through. and my therapist said to me "well, i bet you'll be good with that. you're very goal oriented, so i'm sure you'll be successful". and just like that, it was like she gave me permission to run. anyway, we'll see how it goes. after a few more tries i'll write more about it...

~my face is insane. no, like really, insane. without makeup i could scare little children with the breakout i'm experiencing. i'm doing everything i can, but ultimately i'm just crossing my fingers and hoping it'll clear up shortly.

~finally, something exciting has finally happened on the job-front. i have two interviews lined up! both are exciting and different, and while i have no idea what will happen, it feels nice just to have the interviews after a long time of no real prospects. so, i'll keep you posted. fingers crossed. i think a new job could be just the ticket to shaking things up around here.

so. here's the plan: focus on the job search. focus on giving this 'running' thing the good old college try. nix the online dating for a bit, and try to be more open to people around me. new things. oh, and lots of reading. cause nothing keeps me going like a good story. (recently just finished sophie kinella's 'twenties girl'- and it was some damn good chick lit. currently reading: 'one day' by david nicholls. 40 pages in and in love already.)

the only living girl in new york

i had a very surreal experience in new york last saturday night.

i was there for ben's 32nd birthday party, which started at approximately 1:30pm on the staten island ferry. it then moved to Ulysses on Stone street in the financial district, and then bar 119 near Irving place. it ended when i finally couldn't stay awake anymore- and caught a cab back to arielle and ben's apartment around 11pm.

in this cab is where it happened.

the cab driver had this piano instrumental music playing, and the song lasted for the entire ride. and as i rode from the union square area up towards the upper west side, i stared in my half sober state out the windows. i watched the lights and the buildings. i especially looked at the buildings. the empire state building, one of my favorite buildings on the planet, was colored in white and green (i don't know why). the big new yorker sign shown brightly and starkly against the blackish sky (it was 11pm after all). and from the windows i saw people all around. interacting in different ways. walking, talking. laughing. kissing.

so there i was. in this cab. by myself. tired, yet happy. looking around, feeling at once so connected and yet so removed from the city. like i was watching it all happen without being a part of it. with this bizarrely serene piano music in the background, ushering me home to bed.

it was unlike anything i've ever experienced before. and it stuck with me, although i don't know what it means, or whether or not i enjoyed it. there it was.