lately i've been thinking. well honestly, i'm always thinking. but this week- i was thinking about how i feel like in the last few weeks i haven't had much of a direction.
i feel ambivalent about work. i have no more interviews set up and months before i will even hear from the VA.
i have no dates lined up. no plans.
i just feel kind of blah.
and i'm kind of tired of complaining about it.
nevertheless, i was at my therapist's office on tuesday. and she said, and i quote, "do you always need to have a direction?" yes, yes i do. where am i going? what am i working towards?
she wasn't buying it. she said (and again, i quote) "maybe you need to learn how to just....live". what, like be in the moment? not think about my goals? my future? the possibility i will end up alone with a million cats and a large collection of scarves? how do i Not think about that?
the answer is: i don't know.
apparently, not only am i 'goal oriented', but i'm lost without a goal/purpose/something to focus on that can get me through the day. just 'living' is....weird.
however, i value my therapist's opinion and advice. and maybe i do need to just let things be and learn to be satisfied with them. i have friends. i have a job. i can pay the bills. life isn't terrible, and i should learn to 'ride the wave', or whatever.
i want to be more spontaneous. take more risks. live like i don't worry about what people may think- or what i fucking think. just do. laugh. be.
god. i sound like such a hippie. but apparently, my new task (along with running, which is going well) is to learn how to just live and be happy with where i'm at. which is really going to be more difficult than it sounds....
No comments:
Post a Comment