oops.
i gave in to the urge to shop today. twice.
as a result i felt a twinge of buyers remorse (or rather, money-spending remorse), until i got home and retried on everything i had bought- reaffirming my decision to buy them in the first place...
after work i went to visit my friend kelly at her shop, the crystal cage. the fact that it's around the corner makes it very easy to drop in and hang out after work. especially when i've parked across the street....
anyway, today i got some earrings- gorgeous earrings, that were actually reasonably priced. and i put them on and just couldn't bring myself to take them off. so it was settled. i just handed over my credit card and kept chatting. kelly was telling me all about her life. she was trying to boost my spirit and tell me that men come around all the time as long as you're open to it. she used her crazy life as an example. except her life was super fun and exciting! she's dated NFL players and film producers, been engaged and married more times than she likes to count in public, owned a nightclub, did a stint in LA, and now lives in the suburbs and runs this shop on a cute street in philly. honestly, how does somebody get a life like that? it has to be more than just being 'open'. she has so much charisma and energy- she had to make some of that happen. and so i felt inspired, wearing my new earrings, to try and be more wild and open. i have no idea how to go about doing that. but i owe it to myself to try.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
gotta eat to live, gotta live to eat
the words to 'one jump', from aladdin, are swirling around in my head right now.
this is the kind of day i have had.
i was hoping to have better/more positive things to share. but instead i will tell you about the random things i am thinking and feeling:
today was the first time i was genuinely worried about something i have done at work. i worded a letter wrong for a client. and it might come back to bite me in the ass. although, the phone call i got today about said letter sounded more like this woman was trying to bully me- because the letter ended up getting her in trouble. my boss is not concerned, so that made me feel less concerned. yet it was annoying all the same.
at the end of the night i was on tmobile.com looking to download a new ringtone. i found a plethora of 'fart sound' options. including one called the 'fart spangled banner'. i laughed out loud, but did not download. i am not a 12 year old boy. having a farting ring tone does not seem appropriate. (although, if i had to pick a specialized ringtone for my sister, i might have to choose a fart noise).
i ended up with a fun cartoon-ish sound called 'damsel in distress'. it's better than all the gd justin beiber options.
oh, i also find the phrase "gd" (meaning god damn/damned) to be Hilarious. no idea why.
i left work and drove to wegmans, where i got the randomest group of groceries ever. toilet paper, cat food, one mango, 4 bagels, a bag of uncooked shrimp, nail polish, orange juice, cereal, broccoli crowns, a loaf of sliced fresh bread. i think i was in the express line for the first time ever. and still- i spent $57. sometimes i am good an only spend $40 or so. i was expecting tonight to be ok, since i didn't need all that much. but no, $57. things add up....
i have this urge to shop, as though shopping will make me feel better. i go into stores and try on clothes. i look up things on amazon. i even looked at some jewelry on etsy- and i haven't bought anything on etsy since last christmas when i ordered kim some fingerless gloves that subsequently never arrived.
i have been good about not actually buying anything (thank goodness, i have very little money until friday), but i did add aladdin and the little mermaid to my amazon wish list. i was thinking of buying them, but figured they would be good things to ask for for christmas. and yes, i start thinking of these things early. if you tell people exactly what you want, you're more likely to be happy with what you get. also, i find amazon to be a great place to keep track of things you want. because you can always go back and look, and you can see if you can buy things used for cheap. always a plus. during months where i've been better w/ money i allow myself to go buy one or two things off the wish list. i am going to plead the fifth on the last time i did this. sometimes it's just too easy.
anyway, i have no idea what i'm writing about anymore. i am tired and eager to read more of my book and get to bed. i'm less than 100 pages away from finishing this tome called 'Sing Them Home' (540 pages, also was an amazon wish list purchase). it's pretty interesting. i will update my goodreads one of these days...
this is the kind of day i have had.
i was hoping to have better/more positive things to share. but instead i will tell you about the random things i am thinking and feeling:
today was the first time i was genuinely worried about something i have done at work. i worded a letter wrong for a client. and it might come back to bite me in the ass. although, the phone call i got today about said letter sounded more like this woman was trying to bully me- because the letter ended up getting her in trouble. my boss is not concerned, so that made me feel less concerned. yet it was annoying all the same.
at the end of the night i was on tmobile.com looking to download a new ringtone. i found a plethora of 'fart sound' options. including one called the 'fart spangled banner'. i laughed out loud, but did not download. i am not a 12 year old boy. having a farting ring tone does not seem appropriate. (although, if i had to pick a specialized ringtone for my sister, i might have to choose a fart noise).
i ended up with a fun cartoon-ish sound called 'damsel in distress'. it's better than all the gd justin beiber options.
oh, i also find the phrase "gd" (meaning god damn/damned) to be Hilarious. no idea why.
i left work and drove to wegmans, where i got the randomest group of groceries ever. toilet paper, cat food, one mango, 4 bagels, a bag of uncooked shrimp, nail polish, orange juice, cereal, broccoli crowns, a loaf of sliced fresh bread. i think i was in the express line for the first time ever. and still- i spent $57. sometimes i am good an only spend $40 or so. i was expecting tonight to be ok, since i didn't need all that much. but no, $57. things add up....
i have this urge to shop, as though shopping will make me feel better. i go into stores and try on clothes. i look up things on amazon. i even looked at some jewelry on etsy- and i haven't bought anything on etsy since last christmas when i ordered kim some fingerless gloves that subsequently never arrived.
i have been good about not actually buying anything (thank goodness, i have very little money until friday), but i did add aladdin and the little mermaid to my amazon wish list. i was thinking of buying them, but figured they would be good things to ask for for christmas. and yes, i start thinking of these things early. if you tell people exactly what you want, you're more likely to be happy with what you get. also, i find amazon to be a great place to keep track of things you want. because you can always go back and look, and you can see if you can buy things used for cheap. always a plus. during months where i've been better w/ money i allow myself to go buy one or two things off the wish list. i am going to plead the fifth on the last time i did this. sometimes it's just too easy.
anyway, i have no idea what i'm writing about anymore. i am tired and eager to read more of my book and get to bed. i'm less than 100 pages away from finishing this tome called 'Sing Them Home' (540 pages, also was an amazon wish list purchase). it's pretty interesting. i will update my goodreads one of these days...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
parental units
i decided to use to today to get feedback from my parents on my current state of unhappiness. i figure, they are my parents. they love me. and they are older than me and might have some useful advice in how to get past this restless and sad feeling i seem to be carrying lately.
i called my mom this morning on the way to work. she was concerned, but did what she usually does when i express concern: go into problem solving mode. talk more than listen. etc.
it's not that she didn't have helpful things to say. and it's not that i don't think she understands. in a lot of ways i'm sure she does. but i heard my therapist's voice in my head as she was talking "but this is how you feel. why are you trying to disregard that?" so i said "mom you aren't hearing me. this is how i feel. just listen." and she did.
she then suggested i focus on my career and not think so much about the fact that i'm alone and might be forever. she doesn't think that will happen. moms always have faith that you will meet someone and have tons of babies. or they keep it to themselves if they think you might actually end up alone- because if they expressed that opinion they'd be terrible parents. and she is not a terrible parent. she is supportive and hates when i am depressed. so. her advice: focus on your career, figure out what will make you happier in that regard. oh, and realize that you have a great life and stop complaining. there are children starving in africa.
after work, i called dad.
my conversations with my dad, which usually take place on tuesdays after work on my drive home, last an average of 5 to 7 minutes. they consist of small talk and 'what did you do this weekend' banter. then he tells me he is busy and has to get back to work if he's ever gonna get out of his office. well, this was different. (firstly, i spoke to him on sunday and new that this past weekend he had finally won his golf club championship. apparently something he has been trying to win for over 20 years! he came in second 7 times, but this year he won the gold. way to go dad! but yeah so i already knew what he did this weekend. we skipped over that part.) i went straight to "dad, i need to have a real conversation today. i want you to give me life advice". i then proceeded to give him a summary of how i'm feeling (not good, see yesterday's post for further details) and asked his opinion. he said i should make lists. this is a typical dad statement, because my dad is a list guy (i get this from him). he suggested i make a list of things in my life that are controllable: job, where i live, who i associate with, what i wear, what i look like (are you trying to tell me something dad?). he said i should focus on things within my control, because that's the practical thing to do.
then he told me a story of his good friend marlene who is 60 and lives alone in a studio apartment in new york. she has a boyfriend in europe she sees 5 times a year at most. and she is quite fulfilled. marlene goes to retreats where she 'discovers her inner self' or something. this was supposed to be uplifting. i, however, did not see it as such. if i end up like marlene i might throw myself off of a bridge (no offense marlene, you're a nice lady). but dear god. is this what you think my life will be like dad? Seriously? well, no. i think he understands my loneliness, he just doesn't know what to say. so he was trying to be supportive. we'll just go with that.
the odd thing is, everything they said and did made me feel better. not because my life is now solved and i'm feeling better. because that is obviously not the case. i didn't expect them to solve my problems. i just wanted them to care, and you know what- they do. they care so much they both tried to give me practical problem solving advice: make lists, focus on your career. don't worry about ending up alone because your life can still be fulfilling. and i am grateful for this, i really am. i mean, there are moments i think it's total bullshit, but i appreciate the effort. and i appreciate knowing that they care so much, they called each other to talk about what advice they each had given me. compare notes, if you will.
so while i may still be depressed and feel like my life is in need of some changes, deep down i know i will be ok because my parents really love me. and i don't need a list to know why.
i called my mom this morning on the way to work. she was concerned, but did what she usually does when i express concern: go into problem solving mode. talk more than listen. etc.
it's not that she didn't have helpful things to say. and it's not that i don't think she understands. in a lot of ways i'm sure she does. but i heard my therapist's voice in my head as she was talking "but this is how you feel. why are you trying to disregard that?" so i said "mom you aren't hearing me. this is how i feel. just listen." and she did.
she then suggested i focus on my career and not think so much about the fact that i'm alone and might be forever. she doesn't think that will happen. moms always have faith that you will meet someone and have tons of babies. or they keep it to themselves if they think you might actually end up alone- because if they expressed that opinion they'd be terrible parents. and she is not a terrible parent. she is supportive and hates when i am depressed. so. her advice: focus on your career, figure out what will make you happier in that regard. oh, and realize that you have a great life and stop complaining. there are children starving in africa.
after work, i called dad.
my conversations with my dad, which usually take place on tuesdays after work on my drive home, last an average of 5 to 7 minutes. they consist of small talk and 'what did you do this weekend' banter. then he tells me he is busy and has to get back to work if he's ever gonna get out of his office. well, this was different. (firstly, i spoke to him on sunday and new that this past weekend he had finally won his golf club championship. apparently something he has been trying to win for over 20 years! he came in second 7 times, but this year he won the gold. way to go dad! but yeah so i already knew what he did this weekend. we skipped over that part.) i went straight to "dad, i need to have a real conversation today. i want you to give me life advice". i then proceeded to give him a summary of how i'm feeling (not good, see yesterday's post for further details) and asked his opinion. he said i should make lists. this is a typical dad statement, because my dad is a list guy (i get this from him). he suggested i make a list of things in my life that are controllable: job, where i live, who i associate with, what i wear, what i look like (are you trying to tell me something dad?). he said i should focus on things within my control, because that's the practical thing to do.
then he told me a story of his good friend marlene who is 60 and lives alone in a studio apartment in new york. she has a boyfriend in europe she sees 5 times a year at most. and she is quite fulfilled. marlene goes to retreats where she 'discovers her inner self' or something. this was supposed to be uplifting. i, however, did not see it as such. if i end up like marlene i might throw myself off of a bridge (no offense marlene, you're a nice lady). but dear god. is this what you think my life will be like dad? Seriously? well, no. i think he understands my loneliness, he just doesn't know what to say. so he was trying to be supportive. we'll just go with that.
the odd thing is, everything they said and did made me feel better. not because my life is now solved and i'm feeling better. because that is obviously not the case. i didn't expect them to solve my problems. i just wanted them to care, and you know what- they do. they care so much they both tried to give me practical problem solving advice: make lists, focus on your career. don't worry about ending up alone because your life can still be fulfilling. and i am grateful for this, i really am. i mean, there are moments i think it's total bullshit, but i appreciate the effort. and i appreciate knowing that they care so much, they called each other to talk about what advice they each had given me. compare notes, if you will.
so while i may still be depressed and feel like my life is in need of some changes, deep down i know i will be ok because my parents really love me. and i don't need a list to know why.
Monday, August 2, 2010
unsatisfied
i am feeling antsy. i'm not particularly happy. things are not going, as you might say, according to plan. not that i have any idea what that plan was exactly. i just know that this....is not it.
it makes no sense. i have a nice life, a nice place to live, a truly fantastic group of friends. a cat to keep me company (and gizmo's more than a cat really, he's almost a way of life).
but i am not satisfied.
i feel stagnant.
this is not where i imagined my life would be at 27 and a half.
i'm being serious.
work is like a means of spending time in between doing other things. and i don't care anymore. i'm not even motivated to do better. i'm barely motivated to look for something else to do. and that is a problem because until i get really motivated and find/think of something else to do, i will be stuck at my current job. i have flashes of inspiration, which usually end nowhere if not in a depressive funk because i might die in that office covered in unfinished notes and intake packets.
and as much as i love gizmo, and i love all my friends who have helped me to be the busiest person in america for the past week and a half, i come home at night and feel lonely. if gizmo weren't here to jump on my lap and show his appreciation for me, i might actually cry myself to sleep. this is not about colin. i understand why it didn't/wouldn't have worked (my list is quite helpful in that actually). it's about getting older and being alone. and how unsatisfying that is. and when i was with colin, a world opened up to me- of security and companionship and excitement and couple-activities. and that world was painfully short lived.
i had a brief thought that having one boyfriend would make it super easy to find another one. like i had unlocked a key to a secret garden (i love that movie actually. i should watch that) and inside were going to be interesting men interested in dating me. now it's only been a week and a half, but i'm standing in this secret garden all alone. and the secret is depressing.
it seems like everything i want is not within my reach. i don't even know where to go to find it. where in my brain and my heart and my life do i go to feel full of life. and happy. please, someone direct me. because i can make myself the busiest person i've ever met, but what if it always feels like that's not enough?
it makes no sense. i have a nice life, a nice place to live, a truly fantastic group of friends. a cat to keep me company (and gizmo's more than a cat really, he's almost a way of life).
but i am not satisfied.
i feel stagnant.
this is not where i imagined my life would be at 27 and a half.
i'm being serious.
work is like a means of spending time in between doing other things. and i don't care anymore. i'm not even motivated to do better. i'm barely motivated to look for something else to do. and that is a problem because until i get really motivated and find/think of something else to do, i will be stuck at my current job. i have flashes of inspiration, which usually end nowhere if not in a depressive funk because i might die in that office covered in unfinished notes and intake packets.
and as much as i love gizmo, and i love all my friends who have helped me to be the busiest person in america for the past week and a half, i come home at night and feel lonely. if gizmo weren't here to jump on my lap and show his appreciation for me, i might actually cry myself to sleep. this is not about colin. i understand why it didn't/wouldn't have worked (my list is quite helpful in that actually). it's about getting older and being alone. and how unsatisfying that is. and when i was with colin, a world opened up to me- of security and companionship and excitement and couple-activities. and that world was painfully short lived.
i had a brief thought that having one boyfriend would make it super easy to find another one. like i had unlocked a key to a secret garden (i love that movie actually. i should watch that) and inside were going to be interesting men interested in dating me. now it's only been a week and a half, but i'm standing in this secret garden all alone. and the secret is depressing.
it seems like everything i want is not within my reach. i don't even know where to go to find it. where in my brain and my heart and my life do i go to feel full of life. and happy. please, someone direct me. because i can make myself the busiest person i've ever met, but what if it always feels like that's not enough?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Still Here
so here's what happened.
a week ago, my boyfriend unceremoniously dumped me over the phone. he was very nice about it. and i think i took it pretty well. i waited until leslie walked in the door (i'm convinced she was waiting on the stoop downstairs) to start crying. and even then i think i wasn't out of control. i mean, sure, i cried. but hell, i really liked the guy. and i was really excited to actually have a boyfriend. so i was mourning the rejection of someone i thought i would be spending time with, as well as the idea of having someone to spend time with. put them together and i think tears can be expected.
so, i cried a few times over the next 2 days. i didn't really have a lot of time to wallow, because my mom and arielle came down the next day for mom's 'birthday weekend of fun'. we got facials and massages and ate at great restaurants and consumed a nice amount of wine. we saw the renoir show. we played whirly word (i'm sure i'll come back to this game later), we watched mamma mia. i was entertained and kept busy enough to remember that i have quite a life outside of being dumped.
also, i learned, or rather, was reminded- that i have an amazing group of friends. i didn't have to do more than casually mention what happened on facebook (after un-friending him, of course) before the calls, texts and messages of support started pouring in. i'm not even kidding. i felt so loved- even that started to make me cry after a while.
on sunday after mom and arielle left, i went to the movies and dinner with jeff and mimi. i decided in my post-breakup world i was going to be a busy as humanly possible. i haven't had a night free yet. mimi and jeff got me nice and drunk (oh sweet judy, what a fine drink you are) and told me that i am great and will meet somebody better.
monday arrived and while bored at work i began a list of all the things i didn't like about colin anyway. i suggest everyone going through a breakup do something like this. i think i got the idea from 'how i met your mother'. ted mosby (i love him) writes himself letters when he breaks up with girls. letters to remind him of why it didn't work. so that when he begins to miss his ex, he can read the letter and remind himself. well, this was my version of that. it's an ongoing list. it's much longer than i expected it to be. and it makes me feel better. i won't post it here because, hey, i have some dignity (and respect- he was a nice guy, you know) but if you want to know what's on it- it's in my purse. (right next to my pen, for easy additions).
monday night saw the arrival of laura and nadav. house-guests until wednesday, and quite pleasant ones at that. i love laura. every time i see her it's like we talk everyday. it's comfortable. normal. comforting. i was really glad to see her. not to mention, the less time alone the better!
tuesday i broke the news to my therapist. she was all excited for me the last time i saw her, back when colin still liked me. during the 'exciting phase'. i looked at her with my crinkled up face and said 'so what now?'. she said 'you take a deep breath, and move on'. she followed up with 'diana- people have been doing this since the dawn of time. most people start doing this when they're 13'. thanks laura (my therapist is also named laura), but telling me that not only did i get dumped but i'm behind the relationship experience of a 13 year old- not helping. although, i suppose she has a point. this is what dating is all about. people meet, they try each other out. usually it doesn't work out. they move on to the next. until someone sticks. did i think i was going to marry colin? no. did i think it would have lasted a bit longer? well yeah- i hoped it would. because dating is fun. having a boyfriend- is FUN. it's NICE. and i was hoping i'd get to see what it was all about for a while longer. but if he wasn't feeling it, i supposed it's better he told me now rather than 3 or 6 months down the line when i was way more invested.
still. it sucks all the same.
we also saw kris and mark on tuesday night, and when i told kris he said this: 'i'm sure people are being really supportive and telling you it's all ok. but i mean, it just sucks. so i'm sorry. but there isn't anything that i can say more than that.' and you know what? i fucking loved that. i really did. way to keep it real, kris. i appreciate it. hearing how great i am and how i'll find someone new before i know it is nice and all- but sometimes just hearing 'well, that sucks' works just as well.
anyway, enough with the play by play of my week. i've had a great week. i have been sleeping so well, because i tire myself out each and every day. no time to sit and wallow. what's the point anyway, it won't change what happened. and it won't make me feel less rejected.
so. onwards and upwards. i have a drinks date tomorrow night. i now understand why some people go right out and try to meet people immediately after a break up. having someone else to think about is much better than sitting home alone thinking about someone who didn't want you. do i think i'm going to love this guy (drew is his name)? well, no, probably not. but maybe. maybe i'll really give him a chance and see where it goes. perhaps i might even let him do a magic trick for me, or forgive him if he gets my name wrong. or reserve judgment until after a second date (!). but if his email address resembles anything involving body parts the deal is off.
anyway, i just thought i'd write this all down and let you know i'm still here. i have regained my desire to blog (after a short and well deserved break, and that whole heartache thing). i've also regained my desire to do something new in my life. lots of new. change is good. change can help you heal and help you deal. so stay tuned, cause i'm still swinging ;)
a week ago, my boyfriend unceremoniously dumped me over the phone. he was very nice about it. and i think i took it pretty well. i waited until leslie walked in the door (i'm convinced she was waiting on the stoop downstairs) to start crying. and even then i think i wasn't out of control. i mean, sure, i cried. but hell, i really liked the guy. and i was really excited to actually have a boyfriend. so i was mourning the rejection of someone i thought i would be spending time with, as well as the idea of having someone to spend time with. put them together and i think tears can be expected.
so, i cried a few times over the next 2 days. i didn't really have a lot of time to wallow, because my mom and arielle came down the next day for mom's 'birthday weekend of fun'. we got facials and massages and ate at great restaurants and consumed a nice amount of wine. we saw the renoir show. we played whirly word (i'm sure i'll come back to this game later), we watched mamma mia. i was entertained and kept busy enough to remember that i have quite a life outside of being dumped.
also, i learned, or rather, was reminded- that i have an amazing group of friends. i didn't have to do more than casually mention what happened on facebook (after un-friending him, of course) before the calls, texts and messages of support started pouring in. i'm not even kidding. i felt so loved- even that started to make me cry after a while.
on sunday after mom and arielle left, i went to the movies and dinner with jeff and mimi. i decided in my post-breakup world i was going to be a busy as humanly possible. i haven't had a night free yet. mimi and jeff got me nice and drunk (oh sweet judy, what a fine drink you are) and told me that i am great and will meet somebody better.
monday arrived and while bored at work i began a list of all the things i didn't like about colin anyway. i suggest everyone going through a breakup do something like this. i think i got the idea from 'how i met your mother'. ted mosby (i love him) writes himself letters when he breaks up with girls. letters to remind him of why it didn't work. so that when he begins to miss his ex, he can read the letter and remind himself. well, this was my version of that. it's an ongoing list. it's much longer than i expected it to be. and it makes me feel better. i won't post it here because, hey, i have some dignity (and respect- he was a nice guy, you know) but if you want to know what's on it- it's in my purse. (right next to my pen, for easy additions).
monday night saw the arrival of laura and nadav. house-guests until wednesday, and quite pleasant ones at that. i love laura. every time i see her it's like we talk everyday. it's comfortable. normal. comforting. i was really glad to see her. not to mention, the less time alone the better!
tuesday i broke the news to my therapist. she was all excited for me the last time i saw her, back when colin still liked me. during the 'exciting phase'. i looked at her with my crinkled up face and said 'so what now?'. she said 'you take a deep breath, and move on'. she followed up with 'diana- people have been doing this since the dawn of time. most people start doing this when they're 13'. thanks laura (my therapist is also named laura), but telling me that not only did i get dumped but i'm behind the relationship experience of a 13 year old- not helping. although, i suppose she has a point. this is what dating is all about. people meet, they try each other out. usually it doesn't work out. they move on to the next. until someone sticks. did i think i was going to marry colin? no. did i think it would have lasted a bit longer? well yeah- i hoped it would. because dating is fun. having a boyfriend- is FUN. it's NICE. and i was hoping i'd get to see what it was all about for a while longer. but if he wasn't feeling it, i supposed it's better he told me now rather than 3 or 6 months down the line when i was way more invested.
still. it sucks all the same.
we also saw kris and mark on tuesday night, and when i told kris he said this: 'i'm sure people are being really supportive and telling you it's all ok. but i mean, it just sucks. so i'm sorry. but there isn't anything that i can say more than that.' and you know what? i fucking loved that. i really did. way to keep it real, kris. i appreciate it. hearing how great i am and how i'll find someone new before i know it is nice and all- but sometimes just hearing 'well, that sucks' works just as well.
anyway, enough with the play by play of my week. i've had a great week. i have been sleeping so well, because i tire myself out each and every day. no time to sit and wallow. what's the point anyway, it won't change what happened. and it won't make me feel less rejected.
so. onwards and upwards. i have a drinks date tomorrow night. i now understand why some people go right out and try to meet people immediately after a break up. having someone else to think about is much better than sitting home alone thinking about someone who didn't want you. do i think i'm going to love this guy (drew is his name)? well, no, probably not. but maybe. maybe i'll really give him a chance and see where it goes. perhaps i might even let him do a magic trick for me, or forgive him if he gets my name wrong. or reserve judgment until after a second date (!). but if his email address resembles anything involving body parts the deal is off.
anyway, i just thought i'd write this all down and let you know i'm still here. i have regained my desire to blog (after a short and well deserved break, and that whole heartache thing). i've also regained my desire to do something new in my life. lots of new. change is good. change can help you heal and help you deal. so stay tuned, cause i'm still swinging ;)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
90 in fucking 90
pardon my language. but today is kind of an important day. today is day 90 in my 90 in 90 project. i did it! i made it a whole three months, blogging or going to the gym everyday. i made a goal, and i stuck to it.
and honestly, i'm quite proud of myself. i feel like i can do anything i want to, if i put my mind to it. i don't really like running, but maybe i'll take it up as a new hobby (not during the heat wave, of course). perhaps i really will learn to knit. or become a better cook (once my stove gets fixed: Tomorrow). or do ANYTHING I WANT. BECAUSE I CAN.
here is how my life has actually changed throughout this project:
i have lost six pounds
i have a subtle new found confidence
i think my legs are stronger
i have a lot of supportive friends (this isn't new, it's just nice to know)
oh yeah, i have a boyfriend. who is great.
is this all because i decided to commit myself to something for 90 days? i don't know. but i feel different somehow. i can see why addicts do 90 in 90's. how it can help shape their sobriety, provide a good basis for a new sober life. i now have a new foundation for...whatever it is i want to do now. and it's awesome.
honestly, i suggest everyone do something like this. challenge yourself. step outside the box. prove that you can do something you weren't sure about.
it's kind of cool when you prove yourself right.
and honestly, i'm quite proud of myself. i feel like i can do anything i want to, if i put my mind to it. i don't really like running, but maybe i'll take it up as a new hobby (not during the heat wave, of course). perhaps i really will learn to knit. or become a better cook (once my stove gets fixed: Tomorrow). or do ANYTHING I WANT. BECAUSE I CAN.
here is how my life has actually changed throughout this project:
i have lost six pounds
i have a subtle new found confidence
i think my legs are stronger
i have a lot of supportive friends (this isn't new, it's just nice to know)
oh yeah, i have a boyfriend. who is great.
is this all because i decided to commit myself to something for 90 days? i don't know. but i feel different somehow. i can see why addicts do 90 in 90's. how it can help shape their sobriety, provide a good basis for a new sober life. i now have a new foundation for...whatever it is i want to do now. and it's awesome.
honestly, i suggest everyone do something like this. challenge yourself. step outside the box. prove that you can do something you weren't sure about.
it's kind of cool when you prove yourself right.
Monday, July 5, 2010
my sister must hate me
i spent the long weekend visiting my family up in new york. it was a great time, overall. lots of good food, good company. fireworks, fun activities, etc.
you know what was not fun? the 10am spin class my sister took me to on sunday morning.
picture this:
9:30am- we get up and get into gym attire. head over to her gym and reserve our bikes. arielle has been going to spin three times a week. she loves it, and has been wanting me to go with her. i agreed, because i've heard good things and figured i could use the exercise.
9:55am- the teacher, erin, comes to help me fix my bike properly. i think the seat might have ended up too high, but what do i know.
10am- spin class starts.
10:07- i ask arielle how long this class lasts. i feel tired already. she tells me it's a 45 minute class. i begin to fear for my life.
10:12- i am not going to make it.
10:20- i have not adjusted the 'resistance knob' in about 18 minutes. am struggling to stay on the bike.
10:27- arielle tries to encourage me. says i should just put the resistance lower.... i tell her there is no lower.
10:35- ten more minutes. ten more minutes. i can do this.
10:37- erin puts on the pink song 'so what'. i am momentarily rejuvenated. i said momentarily.
10:45- i almost pass out. we sweat our way home.
spin. is. torture. i have never sweat so much in my entire life. thank goodness they give you towels, because otherwise i would have literally been swimming on my bike.
also- spin class is not made to be vagina-friendly. (i mean, it's not penis friendly either, but i can't speak from experience on that). bending over the seat like that is hard on the va-jay. mine was not pleased. i spent most of the class just peddling sitting up. i hope i wasn't too distracting for the people around me. but honestly, if it comes down to me trying to 'fit in' and damage my va-jay, or just barely peddle consistently while sparing my lady parts of additional pain- i'm going to choose my va-jay every time.
i do not know how arielle does that three times a week. she is way more courageous than i am. more power to you arielle, and god bless your poor va-jay jay. i'm sorry i didn't take to spin like you did. but i think i made a valiant effort. well...at least i didn't give up.
you know what was not fun? the 10am spin class my sister took me to on sunday morning.
picture this:
9:30am- we get up and get into gym attire. head over to her gym and reserve our bikes. arielle has been going to spin three times a week. she loves it, and has been wanting me to go with her. i agreed, because i've heard good things and figured i could use the exercise.
9:55am- the teacher, erin, comes to help me fix my bike properly. i think the seat might have ended up too high, but what do i know.
10am- spin class starts.
10:07- i ask arielle how long this class lasts. i feel tired already. she tells me it's a 45 minute class. i begin to fear for my life.
10:12- i am not going to make it.
10:20- i have not adjusted the 'resistance knob' in about 18 minutes. am struggling to stay on the bike.
10:27- arielle tries to encourage me. says i should just put the resistance lower.... i tell her there is no lower.
10:35- ten more minutes. ten more minutes. i can do this.
10:37- erin puts on the pink song 'so what'. i am momentarily rejuvenated. i said momentarily.
10:45- i almost pass out. we sweat our way home.
spin. is. torture. i have never sweat so much in my entire life. thank goodness they give you towels, because otherwise i would have literally been swimming on my bike.
also- spin class is not made to be vagina-friendly. (i mean, it's not penis friendly either, but i can't speak from experience on that). bending over the seat like that is hard on the va-jay. mine was not pleased. i spent most of the class just peddling sitting up. i hope i wasn't too distracting for the people around me. but honestly, if it comes down to me trying to 'fit in' and damage my va-jay, or just barely peddle consistently while sparing my lady parts of additional pain- i'm going to choose my va-jay every time.
i do not know how arielle does that three times a week. she is way more courageous than i am. more power to you arielle, and god bless your poor va-jay jay. i'm sorry i didn't take to spin like you did. but i think i made a valiant effort. well...at least i didn't give up.
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