unsatisfied

i am feeling antsy. i'm not particularly happy. things are not going, as you might say, according to plan. not that i have any idea what that plan was exactly. i just know that this....is not it.

it makes no sense. i have a nice life, a nice place to live, a truly fantastic group of friends. a cat to keep me company (and gizmo's more than a cat really, he's almost a way of life).
but i am not satisfied.

i feel stagnant.

this is not where i imagined my life would be at 27 and a half.

i'm being serious.

work is like a means of spending time in between doing other things. and i don't care anymore. i'm not even motivated to do better. i'm barely motivated to look for something else to do. and that is a problem because until i get really motivated and find/think of something else to do, i will be stuck at my current job. i have flashes of inspiration, which usually end nowhere if not in a depressive funk because i might die in that office covered in unfinished notes and intake packets.

and as much as i love gizmo, and i love all my friends who have helped me to be the busiest person in america for the past week and a half, i come home at night and feel lonely. if gizmo weren't here to jump on my lap and show his appreciation for me, i might actually cry myself to sleep. this is not about colin. i understand why it didn't/wouldn't have worked (my list is quite helpful in that actually). it's about getting older and being alone. and how unsatisfying that is. and when i was with colin, a world opened up to me- of security and companionship and excitement and couple-activities. and that world was painfully short lived.
i had a brief thought that having one boyfriend would make it super easy to find another one. like i had unlocked a key to a secret garden (i love that movie actually. i should watch that) and inside were going to be interesting men interested in dating me. now it's only been a week and a half, but i'm standing in this secret garden all alone. and the secret is depressing.

it seems like everything i want is not within my reach. i don't even know where to go to find it. where in my brain and my heart and my life do i go to feel full of life. and happy. please, someone direct me. because i can make myself the busiest person i've ever met, but what if it always feels like that's not enough?