parental units

i decided to use to today to get feedback from my parents on my current state of unhappiness. i figure, they are my parents. they love me. and they are older than me and might have some useful advice in how to get past this restless and sad feeling i seem to be carrying lately.

i called my mom this morning on the way to work. she was concerned, but did what she usually does when i express concern: go into problem solving mode. talk more than listen. etc.
it's not that she didn't have helpful things to say. and it's not that i don't think she understands. in a lot of ways i'm sure she does. but i heard my therapist's voice in my head as she was talking "but this is how you feel. why are you trying to disregard that?" so i said "mom you aren't hearing me. this is how i feel. just listen." and she did.
she then suggested i focus on my career and not think so much about the fact that i'm alone and might be forever. she doesn't think that will happen. moms always have faith that you will meet someone and have tons of babies. or they keep it to themselves if they think you might actually end up alone- because if they expressed that opinion they'd be terrible parents. and she is not a terrible parent. she is supportive and hates when i am depressed. so. her advice: focus on your career, figure out what will make you happier in that regard. oh, and realize that you have a great life and stop complaining. there are children starving in africa.


after work, i called dad.
my conversations with my dad, which usually take place on tuesdays after work on my drive home, last an average of 5 to 7 minutes. they consist of small talk and 'what did you do this weekend' banter. then he tells me he is busy and has to get back to work if he's ever gonna get out of his office. well, this was different. (firstly, i spoke to him on sunday and new that this past weekend he had finally won his golf club championship. apparently something he has been trying to win for over 20 years! he came in second 7 times, but this year he won the gold. way to go dad! but yeah so i already knew what he did this weekend. we skipped over that part.) i went straight to "dad, i need to have a real conversation today. i want you to give me life advice". i then proceeded to give him a summary of how i'm feeling (not good, see yesterday's post for further details) and asked his opinion. he said i should make lists. this is a typical dad statement, because my dad is a list guy (i get this from him). he suggested i make a list of things in my life that are controllable: job, where i live, who i associate with, what i wear, what i look like (are you trying to tell me something dad?). he said i should focus on things within my control, because that's the practical thing to do.
then he told me a story of his good friend marlene who is 60 and lives alone in a studio apartment in new york. she has a boyfriend in europe she sees 5 times a year at most. and she is quite fulfilled. marlene goes to retreats where she 'discovers her inner self' or something. this was supposed to be uplifting. i, however, did not see it as such. if i end up like marlene i might throw myself off of a bridge (no offense marlene, you're a nice lady). but dear god. is this what you think my life will be like dad? Seriously? well, no. i think he understands my loneliness, he just doesn't know what to say. so he was trying to be supportive. we'll just go with that.

the odd thing is, everything they said and did made me feel better. not because my life is now solved and i'm feeling better. because that is obviously not the case. i didn't expect them to solve my problems. i just wanted them to care, and you know what- they do. they care so much they both tried to give me practical problem solving advice: make lists, focus on your career. don't worry about ending up alone because your life can still be fulfilling. and i am grateful for this, i really am. i mean, there are moments i think it's total bullshit, but i appreciate the effort. and i appreciate knowing that they care so much, they called each other to talk about what advice they each had given me. compare notes, if you will.

so while i may still be depressed and feel like my life is in need of some changes, deep down i know i will be ok because my parents really love me. and i don't need a list to know why.