Brain Freeze

....more like brain mush. its late thursday (late in my own language, its almost 11) and after almost a week at the new job (doing a lot of...nothing) i feel unusually tired.
so i'm sitting here, watching kathy griffin, thinking- 'you know what, on my blog i tend to write about what i do everyday, but i'm not writing about the weird shit going on in my head'.

so without further ado: my thoughts.

ok i just went blank.

ok no, here we go. you know how sometimes when things are going right, and everything seems to be going in the right direction, somewhere in the back of your head you're like 'wait. really?' well thats my head. because my new job seems like its going to work out ok. pretty much anything is ok after my last job.... but so far, so good.

and yet, i keep thinking about the GRE, and how my math skills are bordering on third grade. and i'm not going to able to do some of the random difficult analogies or whatever. i think, 'yes, over the summer i will devote myself to studying', and its almost july, and i'm studied a few hours spread out over 3 days. so there goes that plan. (seriously i'm sure i'll be fine).

and then there is this upcoming date this weekend. i am not excited. like, couldn't care less if i go or not. the guys is 5'7" (shorter than me, strike one) and a nurse. its cool that he's a nurse, but he tries to hide it on his eharmony profile. under profession he listed 'healthcare'. i'm sorry, are you Ashamed of being a male nurse? has 'meet the fockers' gotten this society nowhere? who cares? i dont care that you're a nurse, you shouldn't either. and i mean that in a nice way.
as you can tell, this date is already going well, and its only in my head.

plus. i think it's a shockingly awful prospect that i'm a born again virgin. i might never have sex again. this summer marks a sad anniversary. and i think my hymen has grown back. i have been thinking about this lately (i'm getting my period so with ovulation comes like, thoughts about sex. its natural. shut up) and i'm in my 20s. i'm supposed to be whoring it up and 'experimenting' or whatever so that i can 'settle down' when i get married to the eventual man of my dreams. and yet, it seems i've chosen the road less traveled. that of 25 year old jewish nun. wtf. this is not how i planned on living my 20s, and frankly, its starting to get a little disturbing. and if this upcoming date to mr. short nurse is any indication, the drought will continue indefinitely....

and finally. i saw my therapist today. and i love my therapist. she's fabulous, and i not-so-secretly want to be just like her. and there i was, sitting in her office, telling her about all the normal good things going on in my life. and i want to tell her about the crazy things going on in my head, but i don't. because i don't want her to think i'm crazy. i realize, this sounds off. i'm a therapist, and i'm afraid to tell my therapist what i think about. but hey, i'm not perfect. and i realized in the elevator leaving my appointment that i think i'm lacking in the 'brave' dna. i'm too critical of myself, and hold myself back from living sometimes. it's like i need to just let loose and not give a shit and see where it goes. but i'm not quite there yet. instead i'm bullshitting to my therapist about the bland superficial in my life instead of getting down to the nitty gritty.

i am not an ideal patient. do not try this at home.