so here's what happened...

i interviewed this morning at the Mazzoni Center, an LGBT clinic right near my house. the job actually seems pretty great. a welcome change and a new challenge. except i'm not going to get the job, because when they asked me why i wanted to work with the LGBT population i stumbled and said "well- gay people LOVE me". which was immediately followed with "i mean, i've always had gay friends. even in high school, gay people have loved me (and my sister). and i just feel like, you know, i'm good with them. and am fully able to handle issues pertaining to them."
UMMMMM this is like the moment Bridget Jones is supposed to be interviewing a fireman on live tv and falls down the pole, landing ass-first on the camera.
GAY PEOPLE LOVE ME. AT A JOB INTERVIEW.

clearly, i'm not getting that job. shame, i would have been good at it.

and then today was Super busy at work. followed by down time staring at the computer dazed and unable to be productive. rating men's profiles on okcupid. just one day after declaring that i'm done with online dating. what can i say, judging is fun.
obviously that's a terrible thing to say, and probably a terrible way to look at it. but whatever. it's true. and it's not 'dating' if you're not actually meeting anyone. so i can still say i've given it up for now. until the moment i decide to organize another date. but whatever.

then tonight i came home to 'run'. i hadn't gone in about a week. and i got a stitch about 10 minutes in. but i didn't give up! and i actually went 1.89 miles, whereas last week i went 1.55 and 1.6 miles, respectively. sooo maybe that's a big of progress? i also got this watch at target yesterday that let's me time my intervals so i can properly do the couch to 5K workout. which is running for 60 seconds and walking for 90. except i do my best to run as long as i can, which is anywhere from 60-120 seconds, before walking again. i think this running thing will be interesting. and it makes me feel accomplished. so, there's that.

and now i've just watched monday night showtime tv. which is weeds and the big C right now. both of which are entertaining. although the big C is truly amazing. i'd love to be laura linney, except, you know, without the big C (cancer).
i'm going to get into bed and read another chapter in "one day", which is quickly turning into one of my new favorite books that i will insist everyone read.

an eventful day. if i do say so myself.

ah sunday night, we meet again.

here's what's been sloshing around my head recently:

~i am done with online dating for a while. i think. i went on two dates last week, both sadly unsuccessful. not like, 'aw shucks, maybe the next one', more like- 'this is just becoming sad'. i think i'm trying too hard. trying to force something into being that just isn't happening. i've met three guys in the past month. and they have done a good job of distracting me briefly. but they've also done a good job of making me realize what's a good date and what's a not so good date. and what i've come up with is what i was feeling a few months ago (at the beginning of the summer). i'm done with online dating for a while. it serves a purpose, but i just don't think i'm going to meet anyone i can date in the long term online. and while i realize that outside of the online world, i've had trouble meeting people in the past, perhaps what i need to work on is being more approachable in the real world. or just doing things to meet more people in general. in person. doing fun things. sooo yeah. new focus.

~running. i've officially decided to take up 'running'. i have some goals, both short and long term. but in any event, i've bit the bullet and tried this running thing (only twice so far) and think i might stick with it for a little bit. oddly enough, it was my therapist who said something that got me to actually start. i have been throwing this idea around in my head for a while. and i decided to do what i usually do when i set out to do something: tell people about it. the logic is that once i've told people about it, i have to follow through. and my therapist said to me "well, i bet you'll be good with that. you're very goal oriented, so i'm sure you'll be successful". and just like that, it was like she gave me permission to run. anyway, we'll see how it goes. after a few more tries i'll write more about it...

~my face is insane. no, like really, insane. without makeup i could scare little children with the breakout i'm experiencing. i'm doing everything i can, but ultimately i'm just crossing my fingers and hoping it'll clear up shortly.

~finally, something exciting has finally happened on the job-front. i have two interviews lined up! both are exciting and different, and while i have no idea what will happen, it feels nice just to have the interviews after a long time of no real prospects. so, i'll keep you posted. fingers crossed. i think a new job could be just the ticket to shaking things up around here.

so. here's the plan: focus on the job search. focus on giving this 'running' thing the good old college try. nix the online dating for a bit, and try to be more open to people around me. new things. oh, and lots of reading. cause nothing keeps me going like a good story. (recently just finished sophie kinella's 'twenties girl'- and it was some damn good chick lit. currently reading: 'one day' by david nicholls. 40 pages in and in love already.)

the only living girl in new york

i had a very surreal experience in new york last saturday night.

i was there for ben's 32nd birthday party, which started at approximately 1:30pm on the staten island ferry. it then moved to Ulysses on Stone street in the financial district, and then bar 119 near Irving place. it ended when i finally couldn't stay awake anymore- and caught a cab back to arielle and ben's apartment around 11pm.

in this cab is where it happened.

the cab driver had this piano instrumental music playing, and the song lasted for the entire ride. and as i rode from the union square area up towards the upper west side, i stared in my half sober state out the windows. i watched the lights and the buildings. i especially looked at the buildings. the empire state building, one of my favorite buildings on the planet, was colored in white and green (i don't know why). the big new yorker sign shown brightly and starkly against the blackish sky (it was 11pm after all). and from the windows i saw people all around. interacting in different ways. walking, talking. laughing. kissing.

so there i was. in this cab. by myself. tired, yet happy. looking around, feeling at once so connected and yet so removed from the city. like i was watching it all happen without being a part of it. with this bizarrely serene piano music in the background, ushering me home to bed.

it was unlike anything i've ever experienced before. and it stuck with me, although i don't know what it means, or whether or not i enjoyed it. there it was.

resistance is futile

oops.
i gave in to the urge to shop today. twice.
as a result i felt a twinge of buyers remorse (or rather, money-spending remorse), until i got home and retried on everything i had bought- reaffirming my decision to buy them in the first place...


after work i went to visit my friend kelly at her shop, the crystal cage. the fact that it's around the corner makes it very easy to drop in and hang out after work. especially when i've parked across the street....
anyway, today i got some earrings- gorgeous earrings, that were actually reasonably priced. and i put them on and just couldn't bring myself to take them off. so it was settled. i just handed over my credit card and kept chatting. kelly was telling me all about her life. she was trying to boost my spirit and tell me that men come around all the time as long as you're open to it. she used her crazy life as an example. except her life was super fun and exciting! she's dated NFL players and film producers, been engaged and married more times than she likes to count in public, owned a nightclub, did a stint in LA, and now lives in the suburbs and runs this shop on a cute street in philly. honestly, how does somebody get a life like that? it has to be more than just being 'open'. she has so much charisma and energy- she had to make some of that happen. and so i felt inspired, wearing my new earrings, to try and be more wild and open. i have no idea how to go about doing that. but i owe it to myself to try.

gotta eat to live, gotta live to eat

the words to 'one jump', from aladdin, are swirling around in my head right now.
this is the kind of day i have had.

i was hoping to have better/more positive things to share. but instead i will tell you about the random things i am thinking and feeling:

today was the first time i was genuinely worried about something i have done at work. i worded a letter wrong for a client. and it might come back to bite me in the ass. although, the phone call i got today about said letter sounded more like this woman was trying to bully me- because the letter ended up getting her in trouble. my boss is not concerned, so that made me feel less concerned. yet it was annoying all the same.

at the end of the night i was on tmobile.com looking to download a new ringtone. i found a plethora of 'fart sound' options. including one called the 'fart spangled banner'. i laughed out loud, but did not download. i am not a 12 year old boy. having a farting ring tone does not seem appropriate. (although, if i had to pick a specialized ringtone for my sister, i might have to choose a fart noise).
i ended up with a fun cartoon-ish sound called 'damsel in distress'. it's better than all the gd justin beiber options.

oh, i also find the phrase "gd" (meaning god damn/damned) to be Hilarious. no idea why.

i left work and drove to wegmans, where i got the randomest group of groceries ever. toilet paper, cat food, one mango, 4 bagels, a bag of uncooked shrimp, nail polish, orange juice, cereal, broccoli crowns, a loaf of sliced fresh bread. i think i was in the express line for the first time ever. and still- i spent $57. sometimes i am good an only spend $40 or so. i was expecting tonight to be ok, since i didn't need all that much. but no, $57. things add up....

i have this urge to shop, as though shopping will make me feel better. i go into stores and try on clothes. i look up things on amazon. i even looked at some jewelry on etsy- and i haven't bought anything on etsy since last christmas when i ordered kim some fingerless gloves that subsequently never arrived.
i have been good about not actually buying anything (thank goodness, i have very little money until friday), but i did add aladdin and the little mermaid to my amazon wish list. i was thinking of buying them, but figured they would be good things to ask for for christmas. and yes, i start thinking of these things early. if you tell people exactly what you want, you're more likely to be happy with what you get. also, i find amazon to be a great place to keep track of things you want. because you can always go back and look, and you can see if you can buy things used for cheap. always a plus. during months where i've been better w/ money i allow myself to go buy one or two things off the wish list. i am going to plead the fifth on the last time i did this. sometimes it's just too easy.

anyway, i have no idea what i'm writing about anymore. i am tired and eager to read more of my book and get to bed. i'm less than 100 pages away from finishing this tome called 'Sing Them Home' (540 pages, also was an amazon wish list purchase). it's pretty interesting. i will update my goodreads one of these days...

parental units

i decided to use to today to get feedback from my parents on my current state of unhappiness. i figure, they are my parents. they love me. and they are older than me and might have some useful advice in how to get past this restless and sad feeling i seem to be carrying lately.

i called my mom this morning on the way to work. she was concerned, but did what she usually does when i express concern: go into problem solving mode. talk more than listen. etc.
it's not that she didn't have helpful things to say. and it's not that i don't think she understands. in a lot of ways i'm sure she does. but i heard my therapist's voice in my head as she was talking "but this is how you feel. why are you trying to disregard that?" so i said "mom you aren't hearing me. this is how i feel. just listen." and she did.
she then suggested i focus on my career and not think so much about the fact that i'm alone and might be forever. she doesn't think that will happen. moms always have faith that you will meet someone and have tons of babies. or they keep it to themselves if they think you might actually end up alone- because if they expressed that opinion they'd be terrible parents. and she is not a terrible parent. she is supportive and hates when i am depressed. so. her advice: focus on your career, figure out what will make you happier in that regard. oh, and realize that you have a great life and stop complaining. there are children starving in africa.


after work, i called dad.
my conversations with my dad, which usually take place on tuesdays after work on my drive home, last an average of 5 to 7 minutes. they consist of small talk and 'what did you do this weekend' banter. then he tells me he is busy and has to get back to work if he's ever gonna get out of his office. well, this was different. (firstly, i spoke to him on sunday and new that this past weekend he had finally won his golf club championship. apparently something he has been trying to win for over 20 years! he came in second 7 times, but this year he won the gold. way to go dad! but yeah so i already knew what he did this weekend. we skipped over that part.) i went straight to "dad, i need to have a real conversation today. i want you to give me life advice". i then proceeded to give him a summary of how i'm feeling (not good, see yesterday's post for further details) and asked his opinion. he said i should make lists. this is a typical dad statement, because my dad is a list guy (i get this from him). he suggested i make a list of things in my life that are controllable: job, where i live, who i associate with, what i wear, what i look like (are you trying to tell me something dad?). he said i should focus on things within my control, because that's the practical thing to do.
then he told me a story of his good friend marlene who is 60 and lives alone in a studio apartment in new york. she has a boyfriend in europe she sees 5 times a year at most. and she is quite fulfilled. marlene goes to retreats where she 'discovers her inner self' or something. this was supposed to be uplifting. i, however, did not see it as such. if i end up like marlene i might throw myself off of a bridge (no offense marlene, you're a nice lady). but dear god. is this what you think my life will be like dad? Seriously? well, no. i think he understands my loneliness, he just doesn't know what to say. so he was trying to be supportive. we'll just go with that.

the odd thing is, everything they said and did made me feel better. not because my life is now solved and i'm feeling better. because that is obviously not the case. i didn't expect them to solve my problems. i just wanted them to care, and you know what- they do. they care so much they both tried to give me practical problem solving advice: make lists, focus on your career. don't worry about ending up alone because your life can still be fulfilling. and i am grateful for this, i really am. i mean, there are moments i think it's total bullshit, but i appreciate the effort. and i appreciate knowing that they care so much, they called each other to talk about what advice they each had given me. compare notes, if you will.

so while i may still be depressed and feel like my life is in need of some changes, deep down i know i will be ok because my parents really love me. and i don't need a list to know why.

unsatisfied

i am feeling antsy. i'm not particularly happy. things are not going, as you might say, according to plan. not that i have any idea what that plan was exactly. i just know that this....is not it.

it makes no sense. i have a nice life, a nice place to live, a truly fantastic group of friends. a cat to keep me company (and gizmo's more than a cat really, he's almost a way of life).
but i am not satisfied.

i feel stagnant.

this is not where i imagined my life would be at 27 and a half.

i'm being serious.

work is like a means of spending time in between doing other things. and i don't care anymore. i'm not even motivated to do better. i'm barely motivated to look for something else to do. and that is a problem because until i get really motivated and find/think of something else to do, i will be stuck at my current job. i have flashes of inspiration, which usually end nowhere if not in a depressive funk because i might die in that office covered in unfinished notes and intake packets.

and as much as i love gizmo, and i love all my friends who have helped me to be the busiest person in america for the past week and a half, i come home at night and feel lonely. if gizmo weren't here to jump on my lap and show his appreciation for me, i might actually cry myself to sleep. this is not about colin. i understand why it didn't/wouldn't have worked (my list is quite helpful in that actually). it's about getting older and being alone. and how unsatisfying that is. and when i was with colin, a world opened up to me- of security and companionship and excitement and couple-activities. and that world was painfully short lived.
i had a brief thought that having one boyfriend would make it super easy to find another one. like i had unlocked a key to a secret garden (i love that movie actually. i should watch that) and inside were going to be interesting men interested in dating me. now it's only been a week and a half, but i'm standing in this secret garden all alone. and the secret is depressing.

it seems like everything i want is not within my reach. i don't even know where to go to find it. where in my brain and my heart and my life do i go to feel full of life. and happy. please, someone direct me. because i can make myself the busiest person i've ever met, but what if it always feels like that's not enough?