one more day

you cannot hold onto something that was never yours to begin with.
i mean, you can- but what's the point?

life is not like the movies. Especially the Notebook. life is not like the notebook. ryan gosling will not spend a year writing you letters daily and then pine for you and build you a house. you will not get to make out with ryan gosling in the rain and then rip your wet clothes off to have amazing movie sex. very few people get to do that. if you are waiting for your life to be like the notebook, you should just give up now.

similarly, whoever it is you are waiting for is not going to change his (or her) mind and magically be waiting for you on your stoop when you get home to tell you that he can't live without you because you are so awesome that knowing you has been life changing, and therefore life without you has been empty and sad. that just doesn't happen.
most of the time if someone has decided they can do without you- it's because they can. yes, maybe they were scared, or maybe they had already met someone else, or maybe the timing was just wrong.  there are a plethora of reasons why things don't work out- and you can't waste your life waiting for the situation to be different.

in (my) real life, people (me) go on dates with men with the hopes that a miracle will happen and there will be some kind of mutual spark- physical and intellectual attraction that will lead to a never ending date filled with laughter and conversation and kisses that cause spontaneous fireworks. oh wait- real life. right. the dates are usually awkward, or interesting enough but without any spark. the men are either way too eager or not at all interested. sometimes there is nothing really wrong, but it doesn't feel right because someone (me) has spent too many years watching movies and tv and expecting all of the "right" things to happen, only to be gravely disappointed at real life.

case in point: friday night. i wore a dress. and lipstick. and brushed my hair. i made sure to be on time. we met at tria near rittenhouse, which i thought would be too crowded at 7pm on a friday. turns out i was right- but my date had made backup reservations at the restaurant across the street- which just happened to be the Dandelion (stephen starr. british pub), a place i have been wanting to go. we had a great meal. there was prosecco. and cheese. and cous cous. and he paid for it while i was in the bathroom (note- i was not running away from the bill, i thought it would take longer to come to the table because the restaurant was busy and the service somewhat slow, but when a man pays while you're powdering your nose- you do not complain.) it was delightful. my date was gracious and interesting and very different from the men i would normally be interested in. he is a veteran, was injured (but is ok), is now finishing his bachelors- while also volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans and an lgbt clinic. he does karate and runs in his spare time. he is also italian, and shared an amazing story about his family being cursed to always have male children and three nipples. (apparently the curse is real. he has three nipples. he magically became shy when i bluntly asked for more details surrounding this issue. apparently i taught him not to share personal information if you don't plan on having a detailed conversation about it.) after dinner we walked and talked and sat in various parks. he walked me to my corner. we hugged. overall i think it was a success. and yet....

and yet. here i am. sitting here in my apartment. alone. wondering why i can't just have what i want. why dating has to be so hard. and if this is really all my fault. instead i chose to get up and start furiously cleaning and throwing things away (which feels oddly freeing) and deciding that no- this isn't entirely my fault. its society's fault. for teaching me- through tv and movies- that i should get swept off my feet by a tall handsome man who will magically possess all of the qualities i've been looking for. and also be a secret prince or own an island. and have excellent taste in music- which will play in the montage of us falling in love all over the city.

OH MY GOD. STOP IT.

this doesn't exist. you will never be as happy as the characters in the Notebook- and on second glance- they went through a lot of pain in that movie. everyone in ryan gosling's family died. there were a lot of tears. and ryan gosling and rachel mcadams dated in real life! twice! and even They couldn't make it work! i'm sure they felt very disappointed that reality is much different from the movie they had made- and they weren't, in fact, fated to be together forever and row into old age on a creek in the south....

life might be more like the movie Bridesmaids...where you get food poisoning and end up shitting in the street. or run from sweet police officers with accents because you are scared of something real, and then realize too late and they no longer want anything to do with you. or you throw a tantrum at your best friend's bridal shower because your life has fallen apart and you can't stand to see a giant cookie with their names written on it in icing that no one in their right mind would ever eat. yes, the movie Bridesmaids is so much closer to reality than anyone would like to admit....
and the best part? the surprise addition/reintroduction of Wilson Phillips "Hold On" back into my life.
yes folks, i'm listening to this gem right now. and it is providing me with sweet sweet wisdom:

i know there's pain.
why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
no one can change your life except for you.
don't ever let anyone step all over you. just open your heart and your mind.
is it really fair to feel this way inside?
whoa
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye
until then baby are you gonna let em hold you down and make you cry
don't you know, don't you know, if you change- things will go your way
if you hold on, for one more day

oh wilson phillips...how did you get to be so wise?
do not let anyone hold you down and make you cry. just because the one you wanted didn't want you, doesn't mean you will be alone forever. and just because you don't get to have delicious movie rain sex with ryan gosling doesn't mean you won't get to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone who maybe looks like him in the right lighting?
no one can change your life except for you! stop holding on to things that were never real, and never yours. be happy with who you are, what you have, and open your heart and your mind.
and when things are rough- use your friends, your sponsor, your co-workers, your therapist, your family, your pet- and hold on for one more fucking day. things will get better.