ready set life

it seems like there is a lot happening lately. in trying to move on i tend to make decisions about my life that i've been mulling over for a while and haven't had the guts to commit to.

for instance: i want my own practice. i want to take on clients at work. i might want to look into getting my license transferred to new jersey, or new york.
i want a lot of things.
and my head gets spinning.

my days are filled with good and bad thoughts. often in rapid succession. i feel ok, i move along, i try to stay positive and think good thoughts, maybe something good happens- like i have a good conversation with someone new at work, or feel bonded to what i am doing and like i'm moving in the right direction. i get excited, i feel happy. i think of who i can share that with. i share it. i'm reminded of my recent heartbreak. i try to stop myself from getting too down. i don't cry. i try to focus on what just made me feel happy. i keep going. this might all happen in like, 5 minutes.

both of my parents have shared recently that close friends of theirs are dying. of cancer. (different forms, different battles, different states. same outcome). they are both depressed. it was recently 9/11. everyone is thinking about their lives and who is in them and who is no longer here. no one wants to waste time on petty arguments. people have been reminded that life is short and precious. spend time with those you love and cherish them.
this does not include people you love who you don't treat you well, or who don't deserve your love, or who are trying to no longer love. no one wants to be reminded or remind you of them.
so you keep going, and try to focus on the positive, the ones who are always there for you and always will be. who love you unconditionally. who always make you laugh or allow you to cry. you try to live in moments and stay happy and connected.

it is hard. life gets so complicated. time moves both slowly and quickly, never when you want it to.

fall is coming. i will take steps to meet my goals. i will keep moving and trying to laugh and stay in the moment. i will learn my worth and remember to believe in myself, because i can do anything if i really want it badly enough.

life is short. don't waste it.