i hate everything

well, life sucks. i have been feeling on the edge of suckage for a little bit, but i've tipped the scales into full blown "i hate life and i'm not sure i will ever like it again" mode.

my job feels like a lot of busy work and not enough fulfilling client interaction. my co-workers are also feeling negative and overall i'd say morale is...low.
i've essentially stopped running, or at least running very well or with any kind of regularity or passion behind it.
and i broke up, yet again, with the boy i have cared about for the better part of 2011.
so basically, life just sucks all around. and i'm sitting on the couch with blue emo nail polish watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' to remind myself that life could be worse....i could be part of that family. AND ITS NOT EVEN WORKING- AT LEAST THEY HAVE CRAZY BODIES AND ARE IN BORA BORA. well no, they are ridiculous people and i would never want to be part of that.
but still. you get my point.

i just keep...moping. i feel so stuck. after an emotional three hour break up conversation, this boy- who i can't help but care about- looks me in the eyes and says "this can't be the end of us. it just can't". he wants to be my best friend. he wants to stay in my life, and more importantly have me stay in his. but how can that be? how can it be anything But the end. we've gone round and round, and in the end, while we might care for each other and be 'best friends'- i guess we don't want the same things, in life or from each other. and so- it just won't work. and that is the most heartbreaking of all.

but why why does this always happen to me??? EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS! i am a good friend, yes, but really? i don't think i understand. maybe i'm not attractive to men? maybe i give off too much of a 'friend/just one of the guys' vibe? i really don't think i understand.
personally- i love my friends. they are amazing. but. i want to be in a relationship. a real one. and yes, i think good relationships are based on good friendships. but they evolve into More than that. i think that whoever i end up with will be my Best Friend. who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? i think that sounds like the most fun thing in the world! why am i caring about people who look at me and say "can't we just be best friends?"
it's just.....no. no we can't. because apparently, i have just been informed (by someone who thinks they know everything about relationships) that in fact men Don't want to be with their best friends. and their friends are important, but not who a guy will want to go home to at the end of the night. because men are RETARDED. seriously. i hate them all.

and that's just....sucky.
the whole world is fucking sucky.

so i will sit here. and do everything in my power to distract myself. and push myself further away from the past and the person i've spoken to everyday, because i can't be in love with my best friend. especially when they don't love me.
and even though i know all of this, and logically it is my decision to step away and seek something that will be better for me in the long run, i can't help but miss him. and feel lonely. and negative. and like things will never change for me. 
and i can hate life, and feel unmotivated and stuck and unhappy. and put all of my energy into putting one foot in front of the other and going to work and seeing my friends and taking one day at a time until slowly, hopefully, the world will suck a little less. and i'll feel slightly less unhappy, and maybe even more motivated to do things that make me happy. but today i don't have much hope. maybe tomorrow. but probably not.