one more day

you cannot hold onto something that was never yours to begin with.
i mean, you can- but what's the point?

life is not like the movies. Especially the Notebook. life is not like the notebook. ryan gosling will not spend a year writing you letters daily and then pine for you and build you a house. you will not get to make out with ryan gosling in the rain and then rip your wet clothes off to have amazing movie sex. very few people get to do that. if you are waiting for your life to be like the notebook, you should just give up now.

similarly, whoever it is you are waiting for is not going to change his (or her) mind and magically be waiting for you on your stoop when you get home to tell you that he can't live without you because you are so awesome that knowing you has been life changing, and therefore life without you has been empty and sad. that just doesn't happen.
most of the time if someone has decided they can do without you- it's because they can. yes, maybe they were scared, or maybe they had already met someone else, or maybe the timing was just wrong.  there are a plethora of reasons why things don't work out- and you can't waste your life waiting for the situation to be different.

in (my) real life, people (me) go on dates with men with the hopes that a miracle will happen and there will be some kind of mutual spark- physical and intellectual attraction that will lead to a never ending date filled with laughter and conversation and kisses that cause spontaneous fireworks. oh wait- real life. right. the dates are usually awkward, or interesting enough but without any spark. the men are either way too eager or not at all interested. sometimes there is nothing really wrong, but it doesn't feel right because someone (me) has spent too many years watching movies and tv and expecting all of the "right" things to happen, only to be gravely disappointed at real life.

case in point: friday night. i wore a dress. and lipstick. and brushed my hair. i made sure to be on time. we met at tria near rittenhouse, which i thought would be too crowded at 7pm on a friday. turns out i was right- but my date had made backup reservations at the restaurant across the street- which just happened to be the Dandelion (stephen starr. british pub), a place i have been wanting to go. we had a great meal. there was prosecco. and cheese. and cous cous. and he paid for it while i was in the bathroom (note- i was not running away from the bill, i thought it would take longer to come to the table because the restaurant was busy and the service somewhat slow, but when a man pays while you're powdering your nose- you do not complain.) it was delightful. my date was gracious and interesting and very different from the men i would normally be interested in. he is a veteran, was injured (but is ok), is now finishing his bachelors- while also volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans and an lgbt clinic. he does karate and runs in his spare time. he is also italian, and shared an amazing story about his family being cursed to always have male children and three nipples. (apparently the curse is real. he has three nipples. he magically became shy when i bluntly asked for more details surrounding this issue. apparently i taught him not to share personal information if you don't plan on having a detailed conversation about it.) after dinner we walked and talked and sat in various parks. he walked me to my corner. we hugged. overall i think it was a success. and yet....

and yet. here i am. sitting here in my apartment. alone. wondering why i can't just have what i want. why dating has to be so hard. and if this is really all my fault. instead i chose to get up and start furiously cleaning and throwing things away (which feels oddly freeing) and deciding that no- this isn't entirely my fault. its society's fault. for teaching me- through tv and movies- that i should get swept off my feet by a tall handsome man who will magically possess all of the qualities i've been looking for. and also be a secret prince or own an island. and have excellent taste in music- which will play in the montage of us falling in love all over the city.

OH MY GOD. STOP IT.

this doesn't exist. you will never be as happy as the characters in the Notebook- and on second glance- they went through a lot of pain in that movie. everyone in ryan gosling's family died. there were a lot of tears. and ryan gosling and rachel mcadams dated in real life! twice! and even They couldn't make it work! i'm sure they felt very disappointed that reality is much different from the movie they had made- and they weren't, in fact, fated to be together forever and row into old age on a creek in the south....

life might be more like the movie Bridesmaids...where you get food poisoning and end up shitting in the street. or run from sweet police officers with accents because you are scared of something real, and then realize too late and they no longer want anything to do with you. or you throw a tantrum at your best friend's bridal shower because your life has fallen apart and you can't stand to see a giant cookie with their names written on it in icing that no one in their right mind would ever eat. yes, the movie Bridesmaids is so much closer to reality than anyone would like to admit....
and the best part? the surprise addition/reintroduction of Wilson Phillips "Hold On" back into my life.
yes folks, i'm listening to this gem right now. and it is providing me with sweet sweet wisdom:

i know there's pain.
why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
no one can change your life except for you.
don't ever let anyone step all over you. just open your heart and your mind.
is it really fair to feel this way inside?
whoa
someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye
until then baby are you gonna let em hold you down and make you cry
don't you know, don't you know, if you change- things will go your way
if you hold on, for one more day

oh wilson phillips...how did you get to be so wise?
do not let anyone hold you down and make you cry. just because the one you wanted didn't want you, doesn't mean you will be alone forever. and just because you don't get to have delicious movie rain sex with ryan gosling doesn't mean you won't get to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone who maybe looks like him in the right lighting?
no one can change your life except for you! stop holding on to things that were never real, and never yours. be happy with who you are, what you have, and open your heart and your mind.
and when things are rough- use your friends, your sponsor, your co-workers, your therapist, your family, your pet- and hold on for one more fucking day. things will get better.

summer check-in

hello.

life is busy. i'm doing by best to keep busy, and i realized that i'm actually doing a good job of checking things off of my list for the summer!

i went back to look at all the things i wanted to do, and here are the things i've accomplished so far:

~toured Eastern State Penitentiary- Mimi and Jeff and i had a sunday funday and went on the audio tour. and it was really cool!! i strongly recommend it if you like...history and...prisons. (no really, it was cool.)
~picnic at valley forge. its beautiful there. and peaceful. i'll probably go back when it's not so humid.
~i've been to Rehobeth beach once! and i'm hopefully going again this weekend, and again in august (if not sooner) :)
~i have eaten more seafood- i went out for an amazing greek seafood meal two weeks ago. i hope to have fresh crabs this weekend in rehobeth. yum i'm exciting just thinking about it.
~i'm still working on my scarf and am in the process of knitting a hat for caitlin. celine got a hat when she was visiting a few weeks ago- and there are more to come!
~i started hanging out with some girls from work! i went to a bbq this weekend with some of them- and while i was nervous at first- because i didn't really know a lot of people and i'm pretty sure i was the only single person there, but it was fun! and i'm glad that i went- and i told myself "diana- when people invite you places, you go- because otherwise you stop getting invited". and so i went, and i had fun, and i hope to do it again!

i have been working on the positivity thing- it is hard to remember sometimes. i'm also working on flossing daily, but i think i've increased my flossing at least, which is good. i am also working on telling people i care about them. i think it's important, especially because i've been so out of it lately- it feels nice to reconnect with people.
i am actively trying to ride a vespa- i keep seeing them everywhere! but there's never anyone on one that i can ask for a ride. plus, it will be super creepy of me to approach someone on their vespa and ask for a ride around the block- but i feel like somehow i can make this happen.
i'm also still in the process of cleaning/streamlining. i cleaned the bedroom when my mom was visiting two weeks ago- so that was progress. Still have to work on the living room though. help is always appreciated!!!

things i'm adding to my list for the summer:

the magic garden
keep trying to teach myself how to whistle
maybe learn to cartwheel

i think that one month into summer i'm doing a pretty good job of tackling the list. who knows- maybe by fall i really will have done them all!!

the selfish side of life

when i look at some of the things i write on this blog (including my last post), i feel sometimes that it's all self indulgent shmaltzy bullshit. no one wants to read this. i write it to try and make myself feel better. i should maybe just keep a journal.

but.

my friend jane told me to write. to keep writing when i'm upset, when i'm happy, when i'm...whatever. so that in the future i can go back and look at it and be like 'hmm so that is how i was feeling, interesting'. will this help? who knows? lucky for you i have agreed to keep writing about how i feel.
and i realize that lately what i have been feeling is selfish. i have my reasons. they are somewhat valid, if not completely so. but they are what they are. i don't want to make excuses. i have been completely and totally wrapped up in my own shit. this involves work- adjusting to my new job (which is more boring and i don't want to talk about), and my pathetic love life.

for the past six months my love life has been as follows:
girl meets boy.
girl likes boy.
boy is fucked up which should turn girl off, but does not.
girl dates boy.
boy breaks girl's heart by deciding he wants to go back to his ex girlfriend
girl cuts off boy and goes out with no fewer than four Other boys- none of whom she likes as much
girl is considering taking a break from dating
boy makes vague attempt to reach out after having been dumped, again, by the ex he left girl for
girl and boy reconnect, decide to become friends
girl tries to create boundaries for herself- fails.
girl and boy quickly go back to being close, but do not date.
girl pretends this is all ok, shoves any attempts at feelings aside
girl and boy get drunk, make some potentially bad decisions
girl realizes feelings don't just go away because we want them to
boy is too fucked up to stop this train wreck
girl decides she has to let boy go in order to regain control of her life. girl breaks her own heart in making this decision. girl asks boy to help by letting her go. boy agrees.
girl cries.

annnnd scene.

with all that emotion going on, it's no wonder i have been selfish. and heartbreak does not make it easier. heartbreak has the potential to make one even More selfish- although, i'm going to try hard to get out of that pattern. i think maybe focusing on other people and things will help. something has to help. but i just don't know how much extra emotion i have at the moment.

so i apologize for my selfishness. i apologize if i haven't been around enough, or attentive enough. or preoccupied with my own head and heart. i will try to do better, while at the same time try to take better care of myself and avoid repeating past mistakes.

it's all really a work in progress. i hope you understand.

it has been an interesting few days.
what i know is that life doesn't stop because i am on an emotional roller coaster. my friends continue to exist and have problems and get exciting news and need or want to talk to me. my cat continues to curl up on my lap at night and purr when i'm around and kiss my arms to make me feel better. my mom continues to call and check in and let me know what ballet she saw this week and which meal my grandmother seemed to enjoy the best.

and somehow, somewhere in there, small changes seep in if you let them.

let me go back. jimmie the psychic told me to spend 21 months focusing on myself. learning my worth. my therapist told me to love myself more and put myself first. my friends tell me that i'm lovable and amazing and they will always be there for me. and it took me until the last few days to start believing they were all on to something.
i didn't even know it was there until it was- in my conscious thought, screaming: "ENOUGH NOW. YOU COME FIRST." i realized that i have choices, and i have a voice- a strong one, and i can use it. i know what is best for me, and i'm the only one who can make that happen.
and while change is hard, and letting people go is hard, and realizing that friendships change is hard- this is life. and so while i feel sad, i also feel oddly calm. because i know that i am making the right choices, and i am sticking up for myself. it may feel crappy and i might want to cry or scream or never get out of bed again, but those feelings will pass- and i will be left with the knowledge that i tried, and i care, and i continue to learn and experience and grow. and in the end i will be so so much better for it.

and i do want to be better. nicer to myself, more attentive to my friends, more available to the people who sincerely care about me and want me to let them in. better at life.
and so i will continue to work on it. and keep trying to laugh instead of wanting to throw myself off of a bridge. and look for the signs from the universe that i am going in the right direction.

there was a lightening bug in my apartment tonight. at first i thought it was a gross scary looking thing, until it lit up- and i saw that it was harmless and wonderful. mimi told me it was a sign, but i'm just looking at it as a reminder.

first friday = free fun (aka- why i love lisa)

i was feeling very conflicted about what to do tonight. when i got out of work this afternoon i had a few options, but honestly the thing that sounded the best was taking a nap and just waiting for it to be tomorrow. luckily for me a) i've gotten better at ignoring that option and b) lisa called.

oh lisa. you are so fun. not only is lisa one of my only single friends in philly- she loves to go out and do fun things and meet people. since i'm still in my 'just say yes to things' phase of things when she called asking if i wanted to do first friday and then head up to north bowl to go to a fundraiser for our friend kristen's job, i said "yes. of course. sure!" (something like that, but equally enthusiastic). this led me to forgo the nap, go visit kelly for one of our regular life pep talks (this one about my recently purchased bikini and her 'sexy mole' that apparently has moved with age...long story) and get my shit together to go out for the night.

and let me tell you- it was grand! its gorgeous outside, lisa is fun, first friday is awesome, and i was wearing one of my favorite navy blue tops. i mean really- good things all around. and then you throw in "i think if we go to third street there's free alcohol somewhere"- i mean, hello. we are there. lisa and i are jewish, and i don't think i'm being rude to say- we dig free shit. for reals. free mini bottles of shampoo? sure! free brownie/marshmallow/rice crispie treat? yes please! free ORGANIC ROOT LIQUEUR mixed with gingerale or birch beer? ummmm, can i park it here all night? (cause i'm gonna....) i'm pretty sure there was also some free cheese somewhere in there, and then later- when we finally did stroll over to north bowl, free dinner. also- free compliments from men on the street (ha, we must stay in good spirits, i'm pretty sure they meant well)

however- here is an amusing anecdote about how i am terrible with men:
while in line for round two of root liqueur (free, again)- a cute hipsterish fellow carrying a bike helmet and wearing plaid came and stood behind us in line. i had a tiny fleeting hope that maybe he had a vespa (please see previous post- riding a vespa is on my list of things to do this summer, it might as well belong to a cute boy). i inquired about his helmet, which was for a bike (let's face it- he's a hipster. he probably lives in west philly or no libs and bikes everywhere), and we started chatting. schuyler- his real name- is from upstate new york. i know a thing or two about upstate new york, having went to school there and having friends who are from there, and also i'm going there next weekend for a wedding. new friend schuyler knew exactly where i am going next weekend, and thinks he might know the dj for my friends wedding (random? yes. and yet, i was not at all surprised by this- my life works like this sometimes). i was like- ok i will go talk to the dj at the wedding next week and let you know if it's the guy you know- but how will i tell you? ohh right this is where we exchange names and then he tells me to "look him up on facebook"- because that's how it's done now. and i'm all "ok. i will really do this. don't be surprised when a picture of a hula girl tries to befriend you on facebook". by this time he does seem to be a genuinely nice person (and of age, i checked), and we've all gotten our root liqueur and i got antsy to go back outside. i was like "wait, are you here by yourself?" (i think i would have found it endearing if he was, but also a little odd)- but no he was with friends who were back in line for root liqueur. and the thought crossed my mind "oh ok good he has friends so we can go and we're not leaving him alone or anything"- so i was like- ok well have a fun night! see you on facebook! and then lisa and i left. we had not stepped more than 1 foot outside when lisa was like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HE THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE". huh? i don't understand. i talk to random strangers all the time. this doesn't mean anything. was i supposed to do something different?
 lisa: "he was there with FRIENDS, way to be my wingman, i would have stayed in there drinking more root liqueur!!! you are bad at this!"
me: frowny face. "oh. i didn't really realize what was happening. i thought we wanted to walk around? it was getting hot in there? i'm pretty sure he didn't actually think i was cute- he was just nice!"
lisa: "seriously? you are bad at this"
me: "perhaps this is why i'm always single"...."sorry i'm a shitty wingman"

thankfully lisa didn't hold this against me, and we continued on our way to free cheese tasting, finding a possible new brunch spot, meeting a cool guy who makes awesome jewelry, and heading up to north bowl- where i promptly housed some free salad and tater tots (they are the best tots, as voted by the WTTO- world tater tot organization. do not try to resist). we also made friends with a friendly white rasta man who owns an interesting store near the bowling alley, took pictures in a photobooth (to be posted at a later date perhaps) and saw a girl hula-hooping with fire, before we called it a night. and i'm pretty sure i only spent about $18, including the cab ride home.

best friday night in a while.

oh, and i totally came home and found schuyler on facebook.

tomorrow: ROHOBETH! :)