Bargaining

at 3am this morning i found myself lying in bed, in the dark, talking out loud to the universe.

last week i broke up with the slightly fucked up guy i was dating, who turned out to be more fucked up than i wanted to realize. and yet, i'm the one who's depressed about it a week later. go figure.
i don't know if the universe was listening back in december when i first tried to put my future in the universe's hands. i have no idea what the universe is trying to tell me now...

let me tell you about the 72 hours surrounding said break up:

wednesday night, we went out for valentines day. and had a really nice time. i finally started to feel like i could settle in and just relax.

thursday night, we break up. due to unavoidable circumstances involving him still being in love with his ex and therefore incapable of caring about me in any meaningful way. charming. crying ensues.

friday morning, i get a flat tire on 76 while trying to get to work early on the last day of my first week at the new job. i had to call AAA for the first time. while waiting, i was approached by 3, count em, 3 tow trucks. the first was a sketchy guy who wanted to 'charge me to fix'. i flashed him my AAA card and said i was waiting for 'free service' and he went away. then a PennDot truck pulled up behind me, also offering services- this time for free. did you know that penndot will change your tire for free? i thought they were going to give me a ticket. nope, just a nice older black guy offering services. oh yeah, and attitude. whilst looking at the spare tire in my trunk said penndot guy asked me how my valentines day was (really? can't you just focus on the car?). i said 'actually, i just broke up with someone last night' to which he said "oh really, WHAT DID YOU DO?". REALLY PENNDOT GUY, REALLY? when he saw my lip start to quiver and i choked out 'are you trying to make me cry here on the side of the road, sir? i already have a flat tire...' he started back peddling immediately and said "oh, no. don't do that. i'm sure he'll come back. they always do. don't cry." followed by "november 8th was my wedding anniversary, my wife died november 12th. and her birthday is coming up in march. the kids and i are gonna go out to dinner anyway". WHAT. WHERE IS THIS GOING NOW. i offer condolences and support, while looking at my watch waiting for AAA to show up. then a Third tow truck pulls up in front of me, honking with glee because that guy knows the penndot guy (do they talk about awkward things to say to young women on the side of the road?). This guy was NOT actually my AAA guy, but is a AAA provider. i did actually ask "well why did you stop?" and he said "i figured i'd see what was going on!" Party on the side of 76 at 8am! sure! why not! WTF. thankfully he calls AAA and gets to take over my case so we can all get back on the road...
Penndot guy tells me i'm in good hands (he is friends with AAA guy, after all). and comes up and takes my hand before he goes and says "don't worry, i'm sure he'll come back. it'll be ok" at which point i say "no, he won't but that ok. i appreciate it. enjoy your celebratory dinner with your kids". and penndot honks off into the morning...
AAA guy fixes my car with fancy fancy tools in about 5 minutes. at this point i'm so emotional i HUGGED HIM IN THANKS. he laughed, we all went back to work.
After work i basically cried, again. until my sister and brother in law showed up and took me out for pizza. they brought flowers, i cried more. they hugged me. i cried more. i managed to eat, and considered it a success.

Saturday morning: i got 4 new tires on my car (to avoid further break downs on 76...). the wind was outstanding. i've never seen anything like it. arielle and ben took me out to brunch, then left to go see ben's parents in the burbs. i walked to pick up my car- and was almost STRUCK DOWN by the wind on broad st. literally, i have never experienced wind this strong. i had legitimate thoughts of getting down and crawling the last few blocks. an idea that turned out to be not so extraordinary b/c the car guy told me he saw a guy (who may or may not have been high/drunk) CRAWL ACROSS BROAD STREET that morning due to the strong winds. so i wasn't alone in my thinking. but i did think- WTF UNIVERSE, what are you trying to tell me now? i can't even WALK, i keep crying, i needed new tires on my car- WHEN DID THIS BECOME MY LIFE?
i spent most of the afternoon crying. my sister came and stayed the night with me again. it was better not to be by myself.

thankfully, i haven't cried since. and i figure 2 days of crying after 2 months of dating isn't so bad. it could have been worse.

and so it's been a week. another week of work has gone by. i'm still sad, but for the most part i am logical and i understand what happened and that it was for the best. it just always stings right after you break up with someone. when you don't want to be alone, and for a little while you get to share your life and time and bed with someone, you always feel a little more lonely than usual when it ends. it feels like it'll always be that way.

which brings me to last night. i forced myself to go out with friends. we went dancing. intoxication ensued. a good time was had by all- until those inevitable feelings of doubt and loneliness crept in and i awkwardly hopped in a cab with some people i barley knew who were going 1 block away from me so that i could come home and pass out. not before talking to said 'ex' (remember, way back from the beginning of this post? it seems like i'm rambling, bare with me) on gchat. about nothing in particular, but just enough for me to feel irritated and disappointed (in myself and life in general) and sad. so that i could get into bed and speak out loud to the universe:

UNIVERSE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME UNIVERSE? AM I GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER, AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH NOSY TOW TRUCK MEN AND EVERYONE AROUND ME GETTING ENGAGED AND FINDING EACH OTHER AS I AWKWARDLY DANCE TO USHER IN A CROWDED DARK ROOM? WILL MY ROAD BE LONG AND IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK THROUGH LIKE THAT GOD DAMN WIND ON BROAD STREET? HOW MANY MORE AWFUL DATES AND UNAVAILABLE MEN WILL IT TAKE BEFORE I GET MY OWN MOVIE MONTAGE OF FALLING IN LOVE AND FINDING THE ONE? HUH? HOW MANY?
FIX THIS UNIVERSE. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. JUST DON'T MAKE ME TURN INTO BRIDGET JONES. PLEASE.

yes, everyone- i promised to be best friends with the universe. i believe that is called 'bargaining'. and i'm pretty sure the universe doesn't play that way...