Still Here

so here's what happened.
a week ago, my boyfriend unceremoniously dumped me over the phone. he was very nice about it. and i think i took it pretty well. i waited until leslie walked in the door (i'm convinced she was waiting on the stoop downstairs) to start crying. and even then i think i wasn't out of control. i mean, sure, i cried. but hell, i really liked the guy. and i was really excited to actually have a boyfriend. so i was mourning the rejection of someone i thought i would be spending time with, as well as the idea of having someone to spend time with. put them together and i think tears can be expected.
so, i cried a few times over the next 2 days. i didn't really have a lot of time to wallow, because my mom and arielle came down the next day for mom's 'birthday weekend of fun'. we got facials and massages and ate at great restaurants and consumed a nice amount of wine. we saw the renoir show. we played whirly word (i'm sure i'll come back to this game later), we watched mamma mia. i was entertained and kept busy enough to remember that i have quite a life outside of being dumped.

also, i learned, or rather, was reminded- that i have an amazing group of friends. i didn't have to do more than casually mention what happened on facebook (after un-friending him, of course) before the calls, texts and messages of support started pouring in. i'm not even kidding. i felt so loved- even that started to make me cry after a while.

on sunday after mom and arielle left, i went to the movies and dinner with jeff and mimi. i decided in my post-breakup world i was going to be a busy as humanly possible. i haven't had a night free yet. mimi and jeff got me nice and drunk (oh sweet judy, what a fine drink you are) and told me that i am great and will meet somebody better.

monday arrived and while bored at work i began a list of all the things i didn't like about colin anyway. i suggest everyone going through a breakup do something like this. i think i got the idea from 'how i met your mother'. ted mosby (i love him) writes himself letters when he breaks up with girls. letters to remind him of why it didn't work. so that when he begins to miss his ex, he can read the letter and remind himself. well, this was my version of that. it's an ongoing list. it's much longer than i expected it to be. and it makes me feel better. i won't post it here because, hey, i have some dignity (and respect- he was a nice guy, you know) but if you want to know what's on it- it's in my purse. (right next to my pen, for easy additions).
monday night saw the arrival of laura and nadav. house-guests until wednesday, and quite pleasant ones at that. i love laura. every time i see her it's like we talk everyday. it's comfortable. normal. comforting. i was really glad to see her. not to mention, the less time alone the better!

tuesday i broke the news to my therapist. she was all excited for me the last time i saw her, back when colin still liked me. during the 'exciting phase'. i looked at her with my crinkled up face and said 'so what now?'. she said 'you take a deep breath, and move on'. she followed up with 'diana- people have been doing this since the dawn of time. most people start doing this when they're 13'. thanks laura (my therapist is also named laura), but telling me that not only did i get dumped but i'm behind the relationship experience of a 13 year old- not helping. although, i suppose she has a point. this is what dating is all about. people meet, they try each other out. usually it doesn't work out. they move on to the next. until someone sticks. did i think i was going to marry colin? no. did i think it would have lasted a bit longer? well yeah- i hoped it would. because dating is fun. having a boyfriend- is FUN. it's NICE. and i was hoping i'd get to see what it was all about for a while longer. but if he wasn't feeling it, i supposed it's better he told me now rather than 3 or 6 months down the line when i was way more invested.

still. it sucks all the same.
we also saw kris and mark on tuesday night, and when i told kris he said this: 'i'm sure people are being really supportive and telling you it's all ok. but i mean, it just sucks. so i'm sorry. but there isn't anything that i can say more than that.' and you know what? i fucking loved that. i really did. way to keep it real, kris. i appreciate it. hearing how great i am and how i'll find someone new before i know it is nice and all- but sometimes just hearing 'well, that sucks' works just as well.

anyway, enough with the play by play of my week. i've had a great week. i have been sleeping so well, because i tire myself out each and every day. no time to sit and wallow. what's the point anyway, it won't change what happened. and it won't make me feel less rejected.

so. onwards and upwards. i have a drinks date tomorrow night. i now understand why some people go right out and try to meet people immediately after a break up. having someone else to think about is much better than sitting home alone thinking about someone who didn't want you. do i think i'm going to love this guy (drew is his name)? well, no, probably not. but maybe. maybe i'll really give him a chance and see where it goes. perhaps i might even let him do a magic trick for me, or forgive him if he gets my name wrong. or reserve judgment until after a second date (!). but if his email address resembles anything involving body parts the deal is off.

anyway, i just thought i'd write this all down and let you know i'm still here. i have regained my desire to blog (after a short and well deserved break, and that whole heartache thing). i've also regained my desire to do something new in my life. lots of new. change is good. change can help you heal and help you deal. so stay tuned, cause i'm still swinging ;)

90 in fucking 90

pardon my language. but today is kind of an important day. today is day 90 in my 90 in 90 project. i did it! i made it a whole three months, blogging or going to the gym everyday. i made a goal, and i stuck to it.

and honestly, i'm quite proud of myself. i feel like i can do anything i want to, if i put my mind to it. i don't really like running, but maybe i'll take it up as a new hobby (not during the heat wave, of course). perhaps i really will learn to knit. or become a better cook (once my stove gets fixed: Tomorrow). or do ANYTHING I WANT. BECAUSE I CAN.

here is how my life has actually changed throughout this project:
i have lost six pounds
i have a subtle new found confidence
i think my legs are stronger
i have a lot of supportive friends (this isn't new, it's just nice to know)
oh yeah, i have a boyfriend. who is great.

is this all because i decided to commit myself to something for 90 days? i don't know. but i feel different somehow. i can see why addicts do 90 in 90's. how it can help shape their sobriety, provide a good basis for a new sober life. i now have a new foundation for...whatever it is i want to do now. and it's awesome.

honestly, i suggest everyone do something like this. challenge yourself. step outside the box. prove that you can do something you weren't sure about.

it's kind of cool when you prove yourself right.

my sister must hate me

i spent the long weekend visiting my family up in new york. it was a great time, overall. lots of good food, good company. fireworks, fun activities, etc.

you know what was not fun? the 10am spin class my sister took me to on sunday morning.

picture this:
9:30am- we get up and get into gym attire. head over to her gym and reserve our bikes. arielle has been going to spin three times a week. she loves it, and has been wanting me to go with her. i agreed, because i've heard good things and figured i could use the exercise.
9:55am- the teacher, erin, comes to help me fix my bike properly. i think the seat might have ended up too high, but what do i know.
10am- spin class starts.
10:07- i ask arielle how long this class lasts. i feel tired already. she tells me it's a 45 minute class. i begin to fear for my life.
10:12- i am not going to make it.
10:20- i have not adjusted the 'resistance knob' in about 18 minutes. am struggling to stay on the bike.
10:27- arielle tries to encourage me. says i should just put the resistance lower.... i tell her there is no lower.
10:35- ten more minutes. ten more minutes. i can do this.
10:37- erin puts on the pink song 'so what'. i am momentarily rejuvenated. i said momentarily.
10:45- i almost pass out. we sweat our way home.

spin. is. torture. i have never sweat so much in my entire life. thank goodness they give you towels, because otherwise i would have literally been swimming on my bike.
also- spin class is not made to be vagina-friendly. (i mean, it's not penis friendly either, but i can't speak from experience on that). bending over the seat like that is hard on the va-jay. mine was not pleased. i spent most of the class just peddling sitting up. i hope i wasn't too distracting for the people around me. but honestly, if it comes down to me trying to 'fit in' and damage my va-jay, or just barely peddle consistently while sparing my lady parts of additional pain- i'm going to choose my va-jay every time.

i do not know how arielle does that three times a week. she is way more courageous than i am. more power to you arielle, and god bless your poor va-jay jay. i'm sorry i didn't take to spin like you did. but i think i made a valiant effort. well...at least i didn't give up.

long weekends are the best thing ever.

i have been doing a lot of blogging this week. which means i haven't quite made it to the gym as many times as i would have liked. but such is life. it's been a good week. well, for the most part.

and now its a THREE DAY WEEKEND! happy birthday america! thank you for being a holiday where i get to celebrate with fun things like bbqs, baseball games and friends!
my plan:
movies tonight with colin. the plan is to show him how to do a double feature. i appreciate that he actually wants to do this. not a lot of people want to spend that many hours at the movies in a row. we'll see how it turns out.

tomorrow: gym, bus to new york. lunch, head to coney island!! i've never been to coney island and i'm really excited. we're gonna ride some rides and go to a AAA baseball game, which should be fun.
sunday: head out to rvc to spend some quality time with moo. bbq in the afternoon with the family. not sure what the evening's plans are. maybe fireworks somewhere?
monday: breakfast with arielle. head back to philly. hopefully stove/oven getting fixed in the afternoon!!!!! wahoo!!! followed by some quality grocery shopping. thank goodness.
it sounds like such a nice three day weekend. and it came just in time....

i'm still considering the penn job. the interview got pushed to july 14th. i've heard more about it. and let's just say i'm still undecided about it. but i'm glad to have the interview at least.
i did get some stuff done at work today, because it was a slow day patient-wise. and then i went to visit kelly @ the crystal cage after work. picked up moo's birthday present. had a good time catching up.

this weekend is already good. and only going to get better! :)

compartmentalized

lately my life feels very compartmentalized. like i fit into tiny boxes, depending on where i am or what i am doing. and i can turn things on and off in each box. it is a strange feeling. and i honestly don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. it's just the way things feel.

for instance. i have one box for work. at work, i am professional. and tired. i get along well with my clients. yet when i am alone in my office i can't really focus or get enough things done. i have just enough energy to deal with my clients when they are there. then all bets are off. this is a bad thing, and i do not know how to fix it. my mood is ok when i'm at work, and i don't talk about my personal life with anyone there (with few exceptions. or if i'm on gchat).

then there is my home box. i do my normal things. i watch tv, attempt to clean up. i have to take care of things like getting the god damn oven fixed. take care of gizmo. go to the gym. listen to music. vacuum. veg out. i will also put my friends into this box, because seeing them is part of my 'normal' things. talk to friends on the phone. make plans. go out. talk about life. i can complain to them, or not. i have fun and try not to think about work at all.

now there is a colin box. when i'm with colin i don't really think about work. i don't feel tired, like i do when i am at work. but i also don't care as much about the things that happen in the 'home box' either. because i just focus on being with colin. and that is much more fun than being annoyed because i still don't have a stove. with colin i am not annoyed. i mean, i think about life and we talk about stuff. but i just generally feel happier and not stressed. and it is different than the other two boxes of my life.
obviously this is the box i would prefer to hang out in all the time. (clearly i can't do that. because we have to work and tend to our own lives, etc.) but i think that's normal when you just start dating someone. you want to be with them a lot, and hopefully you are the best version of yourself when with them. because that's how the other person makes you feel. i'm sure in time colin and my home self/box will mesh more. and that's fine. to be expected. it's just strange, to feel like you can be so many different versions of yourself.

i don't know what to make of it. so right now i'm not going to try.