It's fall! My favorite time of year! Back to school time! or, when you're old and no longer in school- a time i associate with wearing light sweaters and starting new books and setting up my dvr for all the new tv i'll be watching...

but if i'm being honest, i haven't done as much with my september as i would have hoped. the weather is still too humid (and rainy) for me to wear any sweaters or light jackets. i haven't gone back to valley forge for any picnics. i haven't gone on any long walks kicking up leaves. i did spend a lot of time feeling sad and confused and lonely and...ridiculous. and i'm not saying those times are completely over- but i think from here on in i am gonna make more of an effort to enjoy my favorite season.

yesterday i spent a nice sunday touring the battleship new jersey by myself. it's been a while since i went on an adventure for one- because i spent a lot of time thinking how nice it would be to finally be part of a two... however, i found that i'm just as much fun as i remember. it was a nice realization. not to mention- i took pictures like this:

here i am getting very important communications on the battleship. don't i look important?


i decided today that i need to go back to setting little goals for myself. they make me feel like i have purpose, and when i complete them i feel accomplished and happy with myself. so- october 1st is this saturday. in october, i would like to finish the knitting the purple scarf i've been working on all summer. i will also stop snacking on candy at work, and i will go running more often. after not running in a week and a half- i went out and ran 2.5 miles tonight. every time i wanted to stop i said "well diana, let's see what you've got left. if you're tired- keep going". 2.5 miles isn't bad for a first run- but i've been saying for a while that i want to get to 5- and god damn it- i'm gonna get there. hopefully by the end of october!
do i want to date? do i want to "move on" and feel less lonely? yeah sure. but these things, these little goals, will get me through each day and give me things to work towards. maybe by the end of october- with some more running and less candy snacking, i will have lost the remaining 5 lbs of my grad school weight. i will wear my skinny jeans with glee on a date with someone of my choosing, and feel totally ready to be there. i may be getting ahead of myself here, but a girl's gotta have dreams.

and in the meantime there is a ton of new tv to keep me entertained. (i'll save my reviews for another day).

ah fall, thank goodness you're back.

ready set life

it seems like there is a lot happening lately. in trying to move on i tend to make decisions about my life that i've been mulling over for a while and haven't had the guts to commit to.

for instance: i want my own practice. i want to take on clients at work. i might want to look into getting my license transferred to new jersey, or new york.
i want a lot of things.
and my head gets spinning.

my days are filled with good and bad thoughts. often in rapid succession. i feel ok, i move along, i try to stay positive and think good thoughts, maybe something good happens- like i have a good conversation with someone new at work, or feel bonded to what i am doing and like i'm moving in the right direction. i get excited, i feel happy. i think of who i can share that with. i share it. i'm reminded of my recent heartbreak. i try to stop myself from getting too down. i don't cry. i try to focus on what just made me feel happy. i keep going. this might all happen in like, 5 minutes.

both of my parents have shared recently that close friends of theirs are dying. of cancer. (different forms, different battles, different states. same outcome). they are both depressed. it was recently 9/11. everyone is thinking about their lives and who is in them and who is no longer here. no one wants to waste time on petty arguments. people have been reminded that life is short and precious. spend time with those you love and cherish them.
this does not include people you love who you don't treat you well, or who don't deserve your love, or who are trying to no longer love. no one wants to be reminded or remind you of them.
so you keep going, and try to focus on the positive, the ones who are always there for you and always will be. who love you unconditionally. who always make you laugh or allow you to cry. you try to live in moments and stay happy and connected.

it is hard. life gets so complicated. time moves both slowly and quickly, never when you want it to.

fall is coming. i will take steps to meet my goals. i will keep moving and trying to laugh and stay in the moment. i will learn my worth and remember to believe in myself, because i can do anything if i really want it badly enough.

life is short. don't waste it.

twenty minutes ago i disabled  my okcupid account. it has been on and off for almost 2 years, and i think it's served it's purpose. i went on a lot of dates. i had my first taste of real dating last summer. and i met someone i truly cared about. but in the end, i am not upset to say goodbye to okcupid. i think it's time for a change.

i also moved around my living room furniture. the room looks completely different- a lot less cluttered and more open and spacious. it's quite nice. i'm already feeling a little different. of course now i also get to focus on potentially getting some new things- i want to give away or get rid of some of the furniture that's already there- and get one or two things that are practical and fit the new set up. specifically- i want to get rid of my coffee table and get a storage ottoman to use as a new one/extra seating. i want to maybe get a long and low bookshelf to put against one of the walls, and get rid of one of the end tables i was using. i want...my life to look and feel different. including my living space.
thankfully i'm still satisfied with the way my bedroom is set up- because i think i'm stuck with it the way it is. the furniture is too big and the space too small to move things around too much. but i've slowly started the cleansing process in here too- cleaning corners of the room and purging things i don't need. it's all part of my "revamp my life" kick that i've been on for the past few weeks.  it's the little things that can really make a difference and make you feel better.

also- i went back to the gym. i decided a week was enough time to really mope and eat emotionally without worrying about the consequences. now- it's back to trying to use endorphins to bust out of this. and i think i did notice a difference in my mood. i rewarded myself with shared popcorn and m&ms at the movies tonight with lisa :) nothing says "congratulations on working out!" like some junk food at the movies. i earned that shit. and i will keep earning it.

i think in the coming weeks i will finish cleaning/organizing my bedroom, probably go through my closets again and get rid of things, and hopefully put the finishing touches on the living room. then i'll sit and watch all the new tv that is coming back and knit hats for my friends and plan weekend activities to take me through the fall- my favorite time of year.

i think i want to carve a pumpkin. would this be a good date activity? i also might want to go on a food truck tour. and make a dent in my 'to read' pile. and take steps towards improving my financial situation and my career. or at least identify what steps i should be taking (if i'm too scared to actually take them yet). the fall is always my favorite time of year. back to school time. no wonder i feel the need to organize- i always loved organizing my books and supplies for the year. if only i had a reason to need a spiral notebook!
by the end of fall this nagging lonely feeling will have gone away. either because i'll have found someone new or because i'll feel better about being alone again. my therapist always says no pain should be wasted- so i better put this to good use and make some positive change.

nope. life still sucks. but today is a little different than yesterday.

today i decided to see what it was like to look at things from a different perspective.

anger. i can only hold onto it for short periods of time, but it's there. and it feels...empowering. it makes you feel better and stronger.
until it disappears and i'm left feeling weak and ache-y again.
but hey, at least i'm trying.

things that make me feel better:
reading gossip magazines
reading, in general
talking on the phone
washing dishes
knitting
thinking about new things i can learn
reading old funny blog posts
thinking about how to rearrange my living room furniture
thinking about a time when i will no longer feel sad, and more than that- will not even remember why i was so sad to begin with

things that, surprisingly, are not helping:
watching hgtv- i used to love watching this during the summer. now i lose interest after 10 seconds
watching tv in general
eating or baking
my own pep talks (usually my fav)
dressing up
spending time alone with my thoughts

things that could go either way:
music- i find that i can't handle music lately. i don't want to feel whatever it will make me feel. i'd rather sit in silence and zone out
talking about what happened or how i'm dealing with it- i either feel weird or pathetic or just like no one actually gives a shit. unless of course they do and are helpful and then its ok.
breathing- eh, sometimes it gets challenging and then i get upset for no reason (i believe this is called a 'panic attack'. they are becoming less frequent by the day). i keep doing it though, don't worry.

overall, i suppose today sucked less than yesterday.
who knows, tomorrow might be better.
if i can hold onto more anger i'll be able to propel myself forward a bit more.
time. give it time.
i'm trying to focus on the freedom of feeling crappy. and allow myself to do whatever the fuck i want.

i hate everything

well, life sucks. i have been feeling on the edge of suckage for a little bit, but i've tipped the scales into full blown "i hate life and i'm not sure i will ever like it again" mode.

my job feels like a lot of busy work and not enough fulfilling client interaction. my co-workers are also feeling negative and overall i'd say morale is...low.
i've essentially stopped running, or at least running very well or with any kind of regularity or passion behind it.
and i broke up, yet again, with the boy i have cared about for the better part of 2011.
so basically, life just sucks all around. and i'm sitting on the couch with blue emo nail polish watching 'keeping up with the kardashians' to remind myself that life could be worse....i could be part of that family. AND ITS NOT EVEN WORKING- AT LEAST THEY HAVE CRAZY BODIES AND ARE IN BORA BORA. well no, they are ridiculous people and i would never want to be part of that.
but still. you get my point.

i just keep...moping. i feel so stuck. after an emotional three hour break up conversation, this boy- who i can't help but care about- looks me in the eyes and says "this can't be the end of us. it just can't". he wants to be my best friend. he wants to stay in my life, and more importantly have me stay in his. but how can that be? how can it be anything But the end. we've gone round and round, and in the end, while we might care for each other and be 'best friends'- i guess we don't want the same things, in life or from each other. and so- it just won't work. and that is the most heartbreaking of all.

but why why does this always happen to me??? EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS! i am a good friend, yes, but really? i don't think i understand. maybe i'm not attractive to men? maybe i give off too much of a 'friend/just one of the guys' vibe? i really don't think i understand.
personally- i love my friends. they are amazing. but. i want to be in a relationship. a real one. and yes, i think good relationships are based on good friendships. but they evolve into More than that. i think that whoever i end up with will be my Best Friend. who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? i think that sounds like the most fun thing in the world! why am i caring about people who look at me and say "can't we just be best friends?"
it's just.....no. no we can't. because apparently, i have just been informed (by someone who thinks they know everything about relationships) that in fact men Don't want to be with their best friends. and their friends are important, but not who a guy will want to go home to at the end of the night. because men are RETARDED. seriously. i hate them all.

and that's just....sucky.
the whole world is fucking sucky.

so i will sit here. and do everything in my power to distract myself. and push myself further away from the past and the person i've spoken to everyday, because i can't be in love with my best friend. especially when they don't love me.
and even though i know all of this, and logically it is my decision to step away and seek something that will be better for me in the long run, i can't help but miss him. and feel lonely. and negative. and like things will never change for me. 
and i can hate life, and feel unmotivated and stuck and unhappy. and put all of my energy into putting one foot in front of the other and going to work and seeing my friends and taking one day at a time until slowly, hopefully, the world will suck a little less. and i'll feel slightly less unhappy, and maybe even more motivated to do things that make me happy. but today i don't have much hope. maybe tomorrow. but probably not.