tonight i ran for 2.46 miles! more importantly, i ran for 5 1/2 minutes, then 7 minutes (!) and then another 7 minutes (!!) which makes a total of 19 1/2 minutes out of 30 that i spent running!

there are a lot of exclamation points up there because frankly running for 19 out of 30 minutes is not something i ever thought i was capable of doing. and here i am doing it!
even more interesting is that i actually LIKE running.

i ran saturday morning (not my best showing), sunday night, and tonight. and i have no intention of stopping. i want to run ideally every other day.
you know why? because i can see some improvement!
when i first started running i went under 2 miles in 25 minutes. and slowly i've been able to run a little bit more and for a little bit longer. and i think the ability to see improvement is what keeps me going. plus, i have a goal (and you know how i feel about goals), and every time i get closer to that goal i feel more proud of myself. which is kind of addicting actually. proving to yourself that you can do something that you never thought you could (no really, i Never thought this was possible. ever) is empowering.
and sadly (or not?) it's what's keeping me going right now.

i find that i want to write a lot. but i don't want to waste all the space on this blog complaining. that is boring for all of us. so for now, i'm saying that i am getting better at something! and running is one thing i feel like i have some small amount of control over! which is really important to me actually. so until i feel like i have something more important/better/more interesting to say, i'll just stick to talking about running.

here goes nothin...

lately i've been thinking. well honestly, i'm always thinking. but this week- i was thinking about how i feel like in the last few weeks i haven't had much of a direction.
i feel ambivalent about work. i have no more interviews set up and months before i will even hear from the VA.
i have no dates lined up. no plans.
i just feel kind of blah.

and i'm kind of tired of complaining about it.

nevertheless, i was at my therapist's office on tuesday. and she said, and i quote, "do you always need to have a direction?" yes, yes i do. where am i going? what am i working towards?
she wasn't buying it. she said (and again, i quote) "maybe you need to learn how to just....live". what, like be in the moment? not think about my goals? my future? the possibility i will end up alone with a million cats and a large collection of scarves? how do i Not think about that?
the answer is: i don't know.
apparently, not only am i 'goal oriented', but i'm lost without a goal/purpose/something to focus on that can get me through the day. just 'living' is....weird.

however, i value my therapist's opinion and advice. and maybe i do need to just let things be and learn to be satisfied with them. i have friends. i have a job. i can pay the bills. life isn't terrible, and i should learn to 'ride the wave', or whatever.

i want to be more spontaneous. take more risks. live like i don't worry about what people may think- or what i fucking think. just do. laugh. be.

god. i sound like such a hippie. but apparently, my new task (along with running, which is going well) is to learn how to just live and be happy with where i'm at. which is really going to be more difficult than it sounds....

born to...jog

so this running/jogging thing seems to have stuck. for now at least. but since i've started setting goals for my running, i think it'll stick around for a little while.

as it turns out, i'm planning on running a 5K in november. i haven't registered yet- but...i plan to.

more importantly, i plan on running it!

i've been working on my intervals, and as of last night i ran 2.07 miles in 25 minutes. well, 'ran' is the overall term, but they always start with a 5 minute warm up walk, and then intervals of running and 'brisk walking' for 20 minutes.
when i first started running, i went 1.5 miles. so i'm pretty happy to be up a little over 2 in just a few weeks. i think i can make it to 3 miles by november, right?

my new running shoes are working swimmingly! once i got the right size (which, i should say, is extremely important) the sneakers have been helping me stay injury free (well, at least that's what leslie says is so important about having proper running sneakers). so for anyone who wants to know- puma's, despite having a previously negative running shoe reputation, are working pretty great. so far- they are highly recommended.

and more than the sneakers, something weird is actually happening. i find that i am -'excited' -to run. i'm actually starting to look forward to it. this might be because i like challenging myself, or maybe it's because i like seeing the tiny bits of progress i make as i run. or maybe i just like that i run and feel tired and sweaty and proud of myself.
but i can say, i definitely don't hate it as much as i thought i would.
so cheers to that!