Welcome to 2013!
After a very relaxing and reflective few days i'm ready to share some of my highlights from the past year and goals for the year ahead.
2012 was a pretty big year. It wasn't the best ever (my apartment did get broken into and I fell into a bit of a depression for a little bit there towards the end) but there were a lot of good things too!
for instance: i now wear eye liner on a semi-regular basis and it looks normal! i finally figure out how to incorporate yellow into my wardrobe without me looking sickly! my washing machine hasn't broken down in a while (let's knock on wood for that one) and my adorable boyfriend gave me a kindle and his google tv to help bring me into the 21st century. i also started watching The West Wing for the first time- and it has completely sucked me in and made me feel happy and proud to be an educated American woman. (plus, it was much more entertaining than the actual election this past fall. President Obama, I Love You).
oh, right, i am now in a working and lasting relationship- with mike, of all people. i don't mean that as an insult, sometimes i'm as surprised as anyone- given that last new years i swore him off and now he is my devoted and very caring boyfriend. but life happens. i'm going with it.
i also managed to start my private practice- and struggled with the feelings of longing for validation and crushing failure that have come with it. but in the end i set a goal to see clients privately, and i've made $150 from seeing clients. so it wasn't a complete failure, just not exactly the success i was hoping for (yet). i have decided to keep trying for now, but this is really another topic for another post altogether.
so. new years. what do i want from my 2013? i am turning 30 in 15 days. i did not do a "30 in 30" thing beforehand, which is something that sounds like me, because of the holidays and the likelihood of my sticking to anything while attending holiday parties and eating my body weight in my mom's lasagna and cookies. also....i couldn't really think of anything i wanted to do.
but while watching some holiday movies just before christmas i stumbled upon Bridget Jones's Diary (aka- one of my favorite books/movies of all time) and felt suddenly inspired to keep a diary. i think one of the things i want to really work on in 2013 is writing. i've had so much to say this year- but the idea of putting it all down and polishing it for the eyes of other people felt overwhelming and daunting. so it went unwritten- and that is just unsatisfying. so i'm gonna change it. i'm going to try to be more disciplined and write daily (or as close to daily as possible). no daily. i will do it.
some of my other goals: floss more. continue trying to incorporate yellow and other happy flair to my wardrobe. wear all the bangle bracelets my sister gave me for christmas. cook more! also, trust myself more- my voice and my decisions. I want to be happy and go on adventures and trust that i'll know how to deal with things as they come, and write about them as they pass. so let's see what 2013 has to offer. as mike reminded me earlier, it's a new year! the world is our oyster.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
it's the most wonderful time of the year...
last week i may have hit rock bottom, emotionally. it was....bad. i cried almost every day, sometimes for reasons i couldn't even explain. i cried, and then i cried some more.
it seems unfair to say that i'm overworked and underpaid, under-appreciated and unhappy. there are a lot of people worse off than i am- living without heat, or food, or actually even a place to live at all- and here i am whining about feeling blue.
i'm trying really hard to shake it. i think it's been building for a while- potentially all fall. it feels like it has been a long fall, and yet, time has flown by quickly. but things seem to have shifted for me somehow, and now i am often tired and unmotivated and isolating and quick to tear up. it's unsettling and i do not like it. i've decided to do something about it- and so far that has involved listening to christmas music and trying to remember it's the holidays and i love christmas lights and cookies and carols and gift giving. man, i really do love gift giving. i love thinking of a good gift and wrapping it and handing it over and feeling satisfied that i could provide something for someone (even if it is something very silly).
this week when i get up in the morning i hum a new christmas tune. this morning it happened to be the title of this blog post. it was ironic, i was humming without even realizing it, and i got into the shower and thought "ugggggggh i do not want to get up" and then i realized i was humming ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and thought "hmmmmm, I guess I'll just go with that" and got dressed for work and went about my day. i tried to remember the song as i went about my day so as not to feel too beaten down. i suppose i accomplished that because here i am. i made it through the day and actually opened up my computer to write something- this hasn't happened in a while.
I feel like i have a lot to say, and a lot I want to figure out how to write. But honestly, i'm so tired that i need to just get into bed with the West Wing. until next time (soon)....
it seems unfair to say that i'm overworked and underpaid, under-appreciated and unhappy. there are a lot of people worse off than i am- living without heat, or food, or actually even a place to live at all- and here i am whining about feeling blue.
i'm trying really hard to shake it. i think it's been building for a while- potentially all fall. it feels like it has been a long fall, and yet, time has flown by quickly. but things seem to have shifted for me somehow, and now i am often tired and unmotivated and isolating and quick to tear up. it's unsettling and i do not like it. i've decided to do something about it- and so far that has involved listening to christmas music and trying to remember it's the holidays and i love christmas lights and cookies and carols and gift giving. man, i really do love gift giving. i love thinking of a good gift and wrapping it and handing it over and feeling satisfied that i could provide something for someone (even if it is something very silly).
this week when i get up in the morning i hum a new christmas tune. this morning it happened to be the title of this blog post. it was ironic, i was humming without even realizing it, and i got into the shower and thought "ugggggggh i do not want to get up" and then i realized i was humming ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and thought "hmmmmm, I guess I'll just go with that" and got dressed for work and went about my day. i tried to remember the song as i went about my day so as not to feel too beaten down. i suppose i accomplished that because here i am. i made it through the day and actually opened up my computer to write something- this hasn't happened in a while.
I feel like i have a lot to say, and a lot I want to figure out how to write. But honestly, i'm so tired that i need to just get into bed with the West Wing. until next time (soon)....
Monday, July 16, 2012
a very merry unbirthday
it's been a long time folks. welcome, welcome to my head. pardon me as i change into my cardigan and slippers.
what prompted my return to the blog, you ask? well, i think it began when i randomly started crying last night while telling my boyfriend a story about my dad from childhood. we were also watching a thunderstorm at the time. it was all very picturesque. until i wiped my nose on his blanket.
then this morning i went into work and the first time i typed out the date it hit me:
Today is my half birthday. it's not such a big deal. i don't usually notice these things (honest). but today means that I will be 30 in 6 months. Exactly.
30.
i'd like to think that my realization of this was unrelated to the fact that i was close to tears on and off for most of the day, but i could not be totally sure. here i thought i was going to be all prepared and not freak out about turning 30. who cares? my late 20s have been fun. from what i hear life gets better in your 30s. you are "more relaxed with yourself" and "over trying to prove things to other people like in your 20s". two magazines have recently stated that a woman is most beautiful at 34! so what is there to be worried about?
oh, well, since you asked- how about the fact that i was supposed to lose 5 lbs, which has since turned into 8 (wrong direction diana!). or i still have to read that Suze Orman book and stop being so frivolous and start saving for things like a house. or a new car.
or the private practice i started that has no clients.
i have been good at meeting some of my goals- i ran the Broad St Run and I finally went to the Strand. and i did put in the effort of organizing and starting a private practice. it just hasn't really taken off. and i haven't done anything about it.
i'm not sure what i thought my life would look like when i turned 30- but i don't think it was quite like this. i still don't feel like a fully functioning adult. i mean, i know where my passport is and i pay my electric bill on time. But i am not close to owning a house or affording children or even being able to jet off somewhere for a weekend without planning/saving for it in advance. i whine a lot and i have bouts of random crying when something makes me super happy or super sad (or sometimes just because....) i don't always know if i'm being a good daughter/friend/girlfriend. i get lost in my own head lately more times than i can count. i don't even capitalize my i's for christ's sake! how will i know where i stand in the world?
what i do know is this: i have 6 months to feel more comfortable with this idea. to mentally 'prepare'. to motivate myself to start running again (did i mention that after Broad St i....gave up running?), to cook more and laugh more and save money to plan vacations. to accept that this is where i am in my life. and if i want to be somewhere else- i'm the only one who can get me there.
what i want is to feel like the best version of myself. i'm not perfect, and i'm certainly not good at everything. but i should try to do my best, so when i look back on my life i don't think "gee, what could have happened if i had tried harder, or wasn't afraid of falling on my face"?
I think my biggest flaw is that i'm sometimes afraid of looking or feeling stupid. I don't want to fail, so i try to pick very realistic things. maybe it's time to think bigger. push myself further. drag myself over this invisible aging line feeling good about myself and my choices and my future.
it's going to be an interesting 6 months.
what prompted my return to the blog, you ask? well, i think it began when i randomly started crying last night while telling my boyfriend a story about my dad from childhood. we were also watching a thunderstorm at the time. it was all very picturesque. until i wiped my nose on his blanket.
then this morning i went into work and the first time i typed out the date it hit me:
Today is my half birthday. it's not such a big deal. i don't usually notice these things (honest). but today means that I will be 30 in 6 months. Exactly.
30.
i'd like to think that my realization of this was unrelated to the fact that i was close to tears on and off for most of the day, but i could not be totally sure. here i thought i was going to be all prepared and not freak out about turning 30. who cares? my late 20s have been fun. from what i hear life gets better in your 30s. you are "more relaxed with yourself" and "over trying to prove things to other people like in your 20s". two magazines have recently stated that a woman is most beautiful at 34! so what is there to be worried about?
oh, well, since you asked- how about the fact that i was supposed to lose 5 lbs, which has since turned into 8 (wrong direction diana!). or i still have to read that Suze Orman book and stop being so frivolous and start saving for things like a house. or a new car.
or the private practice i started that has no clients.
i have been good at meeting some of my goals- i ran the Broad St Run and I finally went to the Strand. and i did put in the effort of organizing and starting a private practice. it just hasn't really taken off. and i haven't done anything about it.
i'm not sure what i thought my life would look like when i turned 30- but i don't think it was quite like this. i still don't feel like a fully functioning adult. i mean, i know where my passport is and i pay my electric bill on time. But i am not close to owning a house or affording children or even being able to jet off somewhere for a weekend without planning/saving for it in advance. i whine a lot and i have bouts of random crying when something makes me super happy or super sad (or sometimes just because....) i don't always know if i'm being a good daughter/friend/girlfriend. i get lost in my own head lately more times than i can count. i don't even capitalize my i's for christ's sake! how will i know where i stand in the world?
what i do know is this: i have 6 months to feel more comfortable with this idea. to mentally 'prepare'. to motivate myself to start running again (did i mention that after Broad St i....gave up running?), to cook more and laugh more and save money to plan vacations. to accept that this is where i am in my life. and if i want to be somewhere else- i'm the only one who can get me there.
what i want is to feel like the best version of myself. i'm not perfect, and i'm certainly not good at everything. but i should try to do my best, so when i look back on my life i don't think "gee, what could have happened if i had tried harder, or wasn't afraid of falling on my face"?
I think my biggest flaw is that i'm sometimes afraid of looking or feeling stupid. I don't want to fail, so i try to pick very realistic things. maybe it's time to think bigger. push myself further. drag myself over this invisible aging line feeling good about myself and my choices and my future.
it's going to be an interesting 6 months.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Important Life Realization (probably # 547, but for now we'll just say #1)
Something is happening to me. i came to a realization recently that made me stop in my tracks.
real life, dating life, relationships (in general), are not like the movies. there are no flirty picnics and frolicking in fields and rainbows and milkshakes with two straws. ryan reynolds (or, swoon, gosling), doesn't show up in my local coffee shop to strike up conversation with me over what book i'm reading.
let's be honest. i don't even really go to coffee shops that often. i don't drink coffee. i only go when i'm feeling like i want to be alone yet be around people- and read and people watch and yet not really interact with anyone. and i don't meet men while i'm doing that.
lots of people realized this a long time ago. most people, probably. i'm not most people. i held out hope, sad, lonely hope, that i would get to have some kind of romantic life changing experience- where i see stars in the shape of a 'perfect for me' guy who appears like a genie from the magic lamp in my life.
but- i don't think that happens. i'm getting to the point in my life where i need to be more....realistic. i can't settle for men who have no....ambition. or future. or plan for life. i don't need someone with a 5 year plan written down next to their bed (that might be creepy). but i realize that what i need to do is look for someone who wants basically what i want in life:
a trusting, loving, reliable relationship that involves laughter and listening and working through things when they need working through.
a future that involves marriage, hopefully a nice house.
some kids (the number is still to be determined)
a partner with a job- a good one- one that is good enough to pay a share of the bills and save money to put kids through college.
vacations- nothing too extravagant, but a weekend away here and there and maybe one big trip a year.
(i don't think that is asking for much. it would be nice, of course, if we had similar tastes in movies or music and food. not all the same, we can learn from each other- but some overlap would be nice. but i'm not going to focus on that. i'm just saying...)
i think. i think of so many things. i think of what i want my life to be like, and who i want in it. i can't expect to feel overwhelmed with emotions from teenage love songs. i want reliability. and adult things. that takes an adult. two adults, actually. i have to be one of them. i don't think i want unrealistic things. so i have to be more practical in who i choose to be with. i'm getting too old to dick around and waste time with people who have been honest about our needs and wants not meeting up. honesty is good. but its meaningless unless i hear it and use it to make good choices.
we are not what we want, or what we like. we are the choices we make. and i have to make better choices. more realistic choices. this isn't settling (which i worry about), its figuring out how to be happy in a real and tangible way.
movies are fun to watch, because they aren't real. i can be happy without the movies.
real life, dating life, relationships (in general), are not like the movies. there are no flirty picnics and frolicking in fields and rainbows and milkshakes with two straws. ryan reynolds (or, swoon, gosling), doesn't show up in my local coffee shop to strike up conversation with me over what book i'm reading.
let's be honest. i don't even really go to coffee shops that often. i don't drink coffee. i only go when i'm feeling like i want to be alone yet be around people- and read and people watch and yet not really interact with anyone. and i don't meet men while i'm doing that.
lots of people realized this a long time ago. most people, probably. i'm not most people. i held out hope, sad, lonely hope, that i would get to have some kind of romantic life changing experience- where i see stars in the shape of a 'perfect for me' guy who appears like a genie from the magic lamp in my life.
but- i don't think that happens. i'm getting to the point in my life where i need to be more....realistic. i can't settle for men who have no....ambition. or future. or plan for life. i don't need someone with a 5 year plan written down next to their bed (that might be creepy). but i realize that what i need to do is look for someone who wants basically what i want in life:
a trusting, loving, reliable relationship that involves laughter and listening and working through things when they need working through.
a future that involves marriage, hopefully a nice house.
some kids (the number is still to be determined)
a partner with a job- a good one- one that is good enough to pay a share of the bills and save money to put kids through college.
vacations- nothing too extravagant, but a weekend away here and there and maybe one big trip a year.
(i don't think that is asking for much. it would be nice, of course, if we had similar tastes in movies or music and food. not all the same, we can learn from each other- but some overlap would be nice. but i'm not going to focus on that. i'm just saying...)
i think. i think of so many things. i think of what i want my life to be like, and who i want in it. i can't expect to feel overwhelmed with emotions from teenage love songs. i want reliability. and adult things. that takes an adult. two adults, actually. i have to be one of them. i don't think i want unrealistic things. so i have to be more practical in who i choose to be with. i'm getting too old to dick around and waste time with people who have been honest about our needs and wants not meeting up. honesty is good. but its meaningless unless i hear it and use it to make good choices.
we are not what we want, or what we like. we are the choices we make. and i have to make better choices. more realistic choices. this isn't settling (which i worry about), its figuring out how to be happy in a real and tangible way.
movies are fun to watch, because they aren't real. i can be happy without the movies.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap
When i first realized that this year was a leap year- i was very excited. leap days should be full of adventure and courageous new things that maybe you've been wanting to do for a while. i didn't know what i wanted to do- but i wanted to do.....something.
that's not how it turned out.
i'm not gonna lie. i've been pretty crappy in the last week. i made this exciting/somewhat scary career/life decision. and it was followed last week by some unexpected and even more scary job news. namely, that i might not have one for as long as i thought. this is not definite, thank goodness. but it sure did scare the hell out of me.
combine this with a weird new development- i can't run long distances anymore. i mean, the longest i've ever run was 6 miles, so it's not like i'm a marathoner. but i'm having trouble getting past...2. and i signed up for the Broad St Run in early May- which is my biggest goal to accomplish before i turn 30. and i'm blocked. mentally. maybe physically. i do not know.
and it rained all day. poured. and i stayed at work super late. and instead of going on some kind of adventure, or even just running a basic errand like going to the post office to renew my passport (which i Will do this week. i will!), i ended up coming home late and laying on the couch and watching 'dude where's my car' in sweats, eating cookies. feeling totally lame.
i don't know where i am going wrong. i want things to start falling into place. not feel messy and confusing and frustrating and....never ending. and i don't know how to fix any of it. that's the worst part. i don't know where to find a new job or how to really make sure and fix my current one. i don't know how to make myself run when it just seems like my legs won't move. i don't know how to feel hopeful about what the fuck i'm doing right now. in life. i feel like i want to go to bed and wake up in 6 months with my fingers crossed.
sigh. life doesn't work like that. so. instead, i am planning to use leap day as a jumping point. no, it didn't go as planned. i didn't call out sick and go on any grand adventures involving sexy unassuming men with nerdy glasses, or exploring new places around the city, or challenging myself to run more than i did the other day. BUT- tomorrow, is March 1st. you know i like making challenges for myself with the fresh start of a month ahead. especially a month like march- which is long and drags on forever.
so- tomorrow. i leap. i push myself, to figure things out. to run more. to talk to more people about possible opportunities in getting what i want out of my career. in making things happen. and not letting myself feel defeated and like a huge loser who can't do anything right.
i probably have to define this a bit more- goals work better when they are well defined and easy to follow. So. starting tomorrow i will run 3 days a week. and i will try to meet with at least 3 people to discuss career goals/opportunities. and will apply to at least 3 jobs. i will also shut up at work and get down to business so i have a job to keep going to for as long as I want it. i am going to be exhausted. but hopefully i'll sleep well, and with confident thoughts and pleasant dreams.
that's not how it turned out.
i'm not gonna lie. i've been pretty crappy in the last week. i made this exciting/somewhat scary career/life decision. and it was followed last week by some unexpected and even more scary job news. namely, that i might not have one for as long as i thought. this is not definite, thank goodness. but it sure did scare the hell out of me.
combine this with a weird new development- i can't run long distances anymore. i mean, the longest i've ever run was 6 miles, so it's not like i'm a marathoner. but i'm having trouble getting past...2. and i signed up for the Broad St Run in early May- which is my biggest goal to accomplish before i turn 30. and i'm blocked. mentally. maybe physically. i do not know.
and it rained all day. poured. and i stayed at work super late. and instead of going on some kind of adventure, or even just running a basic errand like going to the post office to renew my passport (which i Will do this week. i will!), i ended up coming home late and laying on the couch and watching 'dude where's my car' in sweats, eating cookies. feeling totally lame.
i don't know where i am going wrong. i want things to start falling into place. not feel messy and confusing and frustrating and....never ending. and i don't know how to fix any of it. that's the worst part. i don't know where to find a new job or how to really make sure and fix my current one. i don't know how to make myself run when it just seems like my legs won't move. i don't know how to feel hopeful about what the fuck i'm doing right now. in life. i feel like i want to go to bed and wake up in 6 months with my fingers crossed.
sigh. life doesn't work like that. so. instead, i am planning to use leap day as a jumping point. no, it didn't go as planned. i didn't call out sick and go on any grand adventures involving sexy unassuming men with nerdy glasses, or exploring new places around the city, or challenging myself to run more than i did the other day. BUT- tomorrow, is March 1st. you know i like making challenges for myself with the fresh start of a month ahead. especially a month like march- which is long and drags on forever.
so- tomorrow. i leap. i push myself, to figure things out. to run more. to talk to more people about possible opportunities in getting what i want out of my career. in making things happen. and not letting myself feel defeated and like a huge loser who can't do anything right.
i probably have to define this a bit more- goals work better when they are well defined and easy to follow. So. starting tomorrow i will run 3 days a week. and i will try to meet with at least 3 people to discuss career goals/opportunities. and will apply to at least 3 jobs. i will also shut up at work and get down to business so i have a job to keep going to for as long as I want it. i am going to be exhausted. but hopefully i'll sleep well, and with confident thoughts and pleasant dreams.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
are you talking to me?
i talk to the universe sometimes, this is an established fact. i'm not sure if the universe really listens. but sometimes- on some days, i think it does.
i woke up this morning (late) and decided to take one later train than normal to work. i ate breakfast at home. i did what felt good. i was tired, but i've been tired a lot lately so that's ok. but i am trying to listen more to my life and my body and the world around me.
on my walk to the train station i put my ipod on song shuffle. and the songs seemed to speak to me. lights were turning yellow as i approached the corners, but i crossed anyway and always made it without problem. i felt like maybe i was supposed to slow down and wait, because i had time. things would be ok. my train was late (so i did actually have time), but i was still got to work at an ok time. and on the train there was this new ad that i hadn't seen before. it said "Listen. Learn. Change." and then this line about living a better life. it was an ad for Council for Relationships, (which is this group practice that has a good reputation in philadelphia- they offer individual, family, couples and probably group therapy. but i wasn't aware they did public ads on trains. anyway...) and it struck me as so...appropriate for how i've been feeling lately. which is down. but trying hard to get back up.
and today was the first day things started to feel different.
let me take you back for a second to a few weeks ago. November 10th maybe? It was a thursday. It was also a day i decided to go out on a limb and do something crazy.
for a few months now there has been a guy i see on the train sometimes, a few times a week usually. he wears adorable suits and carries an old man-looking briefcase and reads the wall street journal. he first got my attention over the summer when he was wearing seersucker. in real life. i've never been the type to go gaga over seerksucker, because i think usually it looks pretentious and silly. but i definitely did a double take. WHO WEARS SEERSUCKER IN REAL LIFE TO WORK ON A WEEKDAY? my train crush, that's who. i think over the course of a few months i complemented some of his style. his suit, his fun argyle socks. but that's the extent of our interactions. he sat next to me one day (he gets on later than i do) and i woke up from a nap and saw him there and immediately went "oh look- train crush is sitting next to me. should i talk to him?" in my head- before remembering we sit in the quiet ride car, and no one is supposed to talk. so i went to work and told my friend lizzy about it and she said "you never talk to your train crush so what's the point?". what's the point? the point is it's fun to have a train crush? why does there need to be a point? but it did get me thinking....
and so, on Thursday November 10th i wrote a note to my crush. i ran it by my train friend Bonnie, who was both surprised and impressed at my idea- and scribbled out something the likes of "i've noticed you on the train for a while. i think we should go out for drinks sometime" with my name (first name only, i'm not retarded) and my phone number (maybe mildly retarded, but this is how you do things, no?)- and i passed him the note on my way off the train that day. my heart was racing and i couldn't look him in the eye- but i could tell he looked slightly confused as he took the folded piece of paper. i then ran off the train and to work, where i had a mild panic attack at the boldness of my actions.
later that day i had a slightly bigger panic attack when an unknown number CALLED MY PHONE, but it turned out to be some random company trying to get me to do a survey or some shit. wah wah. what a let down. my heart did a cheesy sigh of disappointment, and yet- i guess i never really expected to hear from him anyway.
not only did i not hear from him, he Disappeared. i have not seen him since. he's not on the train or anything. my friends at work have asked if i've heard anything and just today i said "no, i'm pretty sure he moved out of state to avoid awkward run-ins with me on the train". we decided if anything he probably started driving to work now, because a crazy girl shoved paper into his hand one day with her phone number on it. who does this? i don't know.
so i'm going through today trying to just listen for signs from the universe. my last assessment of the day was running late and i was cutting it very close to catch my train home at 7:18. around 7 my phone started buzzing with an unknown out of state number i assumed was probably a credit card company or telemarketer- as had been in the past (not collections, by the way, people offering random shit). but anyway i hit ignore in an attempt to finish things up and get out of the office quickly.
i noticed i had a voicemail and thought- odd, telemarketers usually hang up.
it was the universe calling.
aka- train crush.
turns out he hasn't been around the last few weeks because he's been in CHINA (he did not run there to avoid me, either), and he got back on Sunday and called to see if i wanted to go out for drinks this weekend
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who's life is this?
after i had an extended panic attack in front of coworkers who commented on the vast shades of red my face can turn, we discussed what a good story it would be for me and train crush to get married and tell our future kids their mom picked up dad on a commuter train...
we also facebook stalked him and found out he's only barely legal and i might be considered a cougar for considering dating this person. but i mean- COME ON. the universe basically told me to wake the fuck up- because when you take chances sometimes cool things come of it. like cute boys who wear seersucker call you and ask you out on a date at a time where you were considering never going on a date again.
to get all cheesy and quote ridiculous things: "be the change you want to see in this world" and from my very own facebook profile "if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done".
and on my train home, as i stared at the ad for Council for Relationships telling me to Listen. Learn. Change. i realized- SHIT. Sometimes the Universe really does answer back.
i woke up this morning (late) and decided to take one later train than normal to work. i ate breakfast at home. i did what felt good. i was tired, but i've been tired a lot lately so that's ok. but i am trying to listen more to my life and my body and the world around me.
on my walk to the train station i put my ipod on song shuffle. and the songs seemed to speak to me. lights were turning yellow as i approached the corners, but i crossed anyway and always made it without problem. i felt like maybe i was supposed to slow down and wait, because i had time. things would be ok. my train was late (so i did actually have time), but i was still got to work at an ok time. and on the train there was this new ad that i hadn't seen before. it said "Listen. Learn. Change." and then this line about living a better life. it was an ad for Council for Relationships, (which is this group practice that has a good reputation in philadelphia- they offer individual, family, couples and probably group therapy. but i wasn't aware they did public ads on trains. anyway...) and it struck me as so...appropriate for how i've been feeling lately. which is down. but trying hard to get back up.
and today was the first day things started to feel different.
let me take you back for a second to a few weeks ago. November 10th maybe? It was a thursday. It was also a day i decided to go out on a limb and do something crazy.
for a few months now there has been a guy i see on the train sometimes, a few times a week usually. he wears adorable suits and carries an old man-looking briefcase and reads the wall street journal. he first got my attention over the summer when he was wearing seersucker. in real life. i've never been the type to go gaga over seerksucker, because i think usually it looks pretentious and silly. but i definitely did a double take. WHO WEARS SEERSUCKER IN REAL LIFE TO WORK ON A WEEKDAY? my train crush, that's who. i think over the course of a few months i complemented some of his style. his suit, his fun argyle socks. but that's the extent of our interactions. he sat next to me one day (he gets on later than i do) and i woke up from a nap and saw him there and immediately went "oh look- train crush is sitting next to me. should i talk to him?" in my head- before remembering we sit in the quiet ride car, and no one is supposed to talk. so i went to work and told my friend lizzy about it and she said "you never talk to your train crush so what's the point?". what's the point? the point is it's fun to have a train crush? why does there need to be a point? but it did get me thinking....
and so, on Thursday November 10th i wrote a note to my crush. i ran it by my train friend Bonnie, who was both surprised and impressed at my idea- and scribbled out something the likes of "i've noticed you on the train for a while. i think we should go out for drinks sometime" with my name (first name only, i'm not retarded) and my phone number (maybe mildly retarded, but this is how you do things, no?)- and i passed him the note on my way off the train that day. my heart was racing and i couldn't look him in the eye- but i could tell he looked slightly confused as he took the folded piece of paper. i then ran off the train and to work, where i had a mild panic attack at the boldness of my actions.
later that day i had a slightly bigger panic attack when an unknown number CALLED MY PHONE, but it turned out to be some random company trying to get me to do a survey or some shit. wah wah. what a let down. my heart did a cheesy sigh of disappointment, and yet- i guess i never really expected to hear from him anyway.
not only did i not hear from him, he Disappeared. i have not seen him since. he's not on the train or anything. my friends at work have asked if i've heard anything and just today i said "no, i'm pretty sure he moved out of state to avoid awkward run-ins with me on the train". we decided if anything he probably started driving to work now, because a crazy girl shoved paper into his hand one day with her phone number on it. who does this? i don't know.
so i'm going through today trying to just listen for signs from the universe. my last assessment of the day was running late and i was cutting it very close to catch my train home at 7:18. around 7 my phone started buzzing with an unknown out of state number i assumed was probably a credit card company or telemarketer- as had been in the past (not collections, by the way, people offering random shit). but anyway i hit ignore in an attempt to finish things up and get out of the office quickly.
i noticed i had a voicemail and thought- odd, telemarketers usually hang up.
it was the universe calling.
aka- train crush.
turns out he hasn't been around the last few weeks because he's been in CHINA (he did not run there to avoid me, either), and he got back on Sunday and called to see if i wanted to go out for drinks this weekend
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
who's life is this?
after i had an extended panic attack in front of coworkers who commented on the vast shades of red my face can turn, we discussed what a good story it would be for me and train crush to get married and tell our future kids their mom picked up dad on a commuter train...
we also facebook stalked him and found out he's only barely legal and i might be considered a cougar for considering dating this person. but i mean- COME ON. the universe basically told me to wake the fuck up- because when you take chances sometimes cool things come of it. like cute boys who wear seersucker call you and ask you out on a date at a time where you were considering never going on a date again.
to get all cheesy and quote ridiculous things: "be the change you want to see in this world" and from my very own facebook profile "if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done".
and on my train home, as i stared at the ad for Council for Relationships telling me to Listen. Learn. Change. i realized- SHIT. Sometimes the Universe really does answer back.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
there you are, peter
when you are young you don't always know when you meet people who will be important to you. you are meeting new people all the time, and so many people and friends float in and out of your life that realizing who's important sometimes takes time.
and then, after a while, once something happens- you realize it. a life transition, a death, a move, a heart break. there might be a number of times in your life when you realize just how lucky you are to know the people you know. but what is important is that you do realize it.
when i was in college i was struck with this crazy feeling one day. i had had one of the most amazing best friends my senior year of high school. and i had totally taken him for granted.
obviously, i didn't do that on purpose. it's just that i found after being in college for a little while that nobody was quite like jared. he is funny and smart and understated. confident and thoughtful. he picked me up for school every morning of senior year and often drove me home. he gave me his opinion when it counted, and didn't judge me (too harshly) when i was a crazy adolescent. he gave me one of my favorite nicknames, which he's still the only one to use.
i visited him this weekend. he's a doctor now. real fancy. he just had his 'golden birthday'- he turned 29 on the 29th. and a month ago when we were catching up and commiserating on loneliness and life's odd turns- i found cheap tickets to go see him.
now, jared and i don't see each other very often anymore. we're the type of close friends who catch up on the phone every once in a while and it's like one long conversation. we don't have to worry about if the other has changed or if time will make things weird. it's not weird. i already know he's a phone talker who is prone to silences which some might find awkward. i fill them with random stories and questions. but when i get to SEE jared, the silences are never awkward at all. in fact, i'm reminded even more about all the things i love about him:
~we like a lot of the same movies, and he lets me give detailed synopses to get him up to speed on things.
~he gives really good hugs. he kind of plants his feet and really squeezes back in a way that let's you know you are not the only participant in the hug.
~he often knows what i am trying to say as i open my mouth to say it
~he pokes fun at me, but always at appropriate times and never too harshly
~when he's telling me about people in his life he is detailed, and he always tells me what he thinks i will like about them. which makes me feel like he has thought about it and keeps me involved in his life even when i'm not there.
~he is the only other person i know who not only owns Hook on VHS, but quotes it as frequently as i do.
~we share a love of the mighty ducks (especially D2) that no one can equal. ducks fly together.
~he remembers a lot of my embarrassing high school moments, and shares them in a way that makes me know they are part of the reason he liked being my friend back then.
~we have a song or two (oooor 4?) that are 'our songs'. and when he karaoked one with someone else last year he called me to tell me he'd "cheated" on me. but it was with a girl he had a huge crush on so it was a worthy cause.
~he has this laugh that is just great. it seems to grow as he realizes why he finds something funny.
~sometimes when we discover we like the same thing (ex: recently it's the movie "Drive", starring my bf ryan gosling) we like the same things about it (such as...the opening credits involving pink 80s writing and an awesome song we listened to on repeat all weekend)
~he really appreciates a good titular line (which is, of course, when the title of a movie is mentioned in the dialogue somewhere) as well as good tag lines. a summer of working at blockbuster will do that to you.
~it's always reassuring to know that someone knew you back then, and still really knows you now. so you haven't really changed all that much.
~and finally, we used to drive around at night and park his car in a parking lot or in front of my house and lay the seats back and stare out the windows and have long talks about "life" and how we wanted ours to end up. and jared always had these insightful things to say. it's still kind of like that. with a few Hook references thrown in, of course.
and then, after a while, once something happens- you realize it. a life transition, a death, a move, a heart break. there might be a number of times in your life when you realize just how lucky you are to know the people you know. but what is important is that you do realize it.
when i was in college i was struck with this crazy feeling one day. i had had one of the most amazing best friends my senior year of high school. and i had totally taken him for granted.
obviously, i didn't do that on purpose. it's just that i found after being in college for a little while that nobody was quite like jared. he is funny and smart and understated. confident and thoughtful. he picked me up for school every morning of senior year and often drove me home. he gave me his opinion when it counted, and didn't judge me (too harshly) when i was a crazy adolescent. he gave me one of my favorite nicknames, which he's still the only one to use.
i visited him this weekend. he's a doctor now. real fancy. he just had his 'golden birthday'- he turned 29 on the 29th. and a month ago when we were catching up and commiserating on loneliness and life's odd turns- i found cheap tickets to go see him.
now, jared and i don't see each other very often anymore. we're the type of close friends who catch up on the phone every once in a while and it's like one long conversation. we don't have to worry about if the other has changed or if time will make things weird. it's not weird. i already know he's a phone talker who is prone to silences which some might find awkward. i fill them with random stories and questions. but when i get to SEE jared, the silences are never awkward at all. in fact, i'm reminded even more about all the things i love about him:
~we like a lot of the same movies, and he lets me give detailed synopses to get him up to speed on things.
~he gives really good hugs. he kind of plants his feet and really squeezes back in a way that let's you know you are not the only participant in the hug.
~he often knows what i am trying to say as i open my mouth to say it
~he pokes fun at me, but always at appropriate times and never too harshly
~when he's telling me about people in his life he is detailed, and he always tells me what he thinks i will like about them. which makes me feel like he has thought about it and keeps me involved in his life even when i'm not there.
~he is the only other person i know who not only owns Hook on VHS, but quotes it as frequently as i do.
~we share a love of the mighty ducks (especially D2) that no one can equal. ducks fly together.
~he remembers a lot of my embarrassing high school moments, and shares them in a way that makes me know they are part of the reason he liked being my friend back then.
~we have a song or two (oooor 4?) that are 'our songs'. and when he karaoked one with someone else last year he called me to tell me he'd "cheated" on me. but it was with a girl he had a huge crush on so it was a worthy cause.
~he has this laugh that is just great. it seems to grow as he realizes why he finds something funny.
~sometimes when we discover we like the same thing (ex: recently it's the movie "Drive", starring my bf ryan gosling) we like the same things about it (such as...the opening credits involving pink 80s writing and an awesome song we listened to on repeat all weekend)
~he really appreciates a good titular line (which is, of course, when the title of a movie is mentioned in the dialogue somewhere) as well as good tag lines. a summer of working at blockbuster will do that to you.
~it's always reassuring to know that someone knew you back then, and still really knows you now. so you haven't really changed all that much.
~and finally, we used to drive around at night and park his car in a parking lot or in front of my house and lay the seats back and stare out the windows and have long talks about "life" and how we wanted ours to end up. and jared always had these insightful things to say. it's still kind of like that. with a few Hook references thrown in, of course.
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