Wednesday, December 12, 2012

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

last week i may have hit rock bottom, emotionally. it was....bad. i cried almost every day, sometimes for reasons i couldn't even explain. i cried, and then i cried some more.
it seems unfair to say that i'm overworked and underpaid, under-appreciated and unhappy. there are a lot of people worse off than i am- living without heat, or food, or actually even a place to live at all- and here i am whining about feeling blue.
i'm trying really hard to shake it. i think it's been building for a while- potentially all fall. it feels like it has been a long fall, and yet, time has flown by quickly. but things seem to have shifted for me somehow, and now i am often tired and unmotivated and isolating and quick to tear up. it's unsettling and i do not like it. i've decided to do something about it- and so far that has involved listening to christmas music and trying to remember it's the holidays and i love christmas lights and cookies and carols and gift giving. man, i really do love gift giving. i love thinking of a good gift and wrapping it and handing it over and feeling satisfied that i could provide something for someone (even if it is something very silly).
this week when i get up in the morning i hum a new christmas tune. this morning it happened to be the title of this blog post. it was ironic, i was humming without even realizing it, and i got into the shower and thought "ugggggggh i do not want to get up" and then i realized i was humming ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and thought "hmmmmm, I guess I'll just go with that" and got dressed for work and went about my day. i tried to remember the song as i went about my day so as not to feel too beaten down. i suppose i accomplished that because here i am. i made it through the day and actually opened up my computer to write something- this hasn't happened in a while.

I feel like i have  a lot to say, and a lot I want to figure out how to write. But honestly, i'm so tired that i need to just get into bed with the West Wing. until next time (soon)....

Monday, July 16, 2012

a very merry unbirthday

it's been a long time folks. welcome, welcome to my head. pardon me as i change into my cardigan and slippers.

what prompted my return to the blog, you ask? well, i think it began when i randomly started crying last night while telling my boyfriend a story about my dad from childhood. we were also watching a thunderstorm at the time. it was all very picturesque. until i wiped my nose on his blanket.
then this morning i went into work and the first time i typed out the date it hit me:
Today is my half birthday. it's not such a big deal. i don't usually notice these things (honest). but today means that I will be 30 in 6 months. Exactly.
30.

i'd like to think that my realization of this was unrelated to the fact that i was close to tears on and off for most of the day, but i could not be totally sure. here i thought i was going to be all prepared and not freak out about turning 30. who cares? my late 20s have been fun. from what i hear life gets better in your 30s. you are "more relaxed with yourself" and "over trying to prove things to other people like in your 20s". two magazines have recently stated that a woman is most beautiful at 34! so what is there to be worried about?

oh, well, since you asked- how about the fact that i was supposed to lose 5 lbs, which has since turned into 8 (wrong direction diana!). or i still have to read that Suze Orman book and stop being so frivolous and start saving for things like a house. or a new car.
or the private practice i started that has no clients.

i have been good at meeting some of my goals- i ran the Broad St Run and I finally went to the Strand. and i did put in the effort of organizing and starting a private practice. it just hasn't really taken off. and i haven't done anything about it.

i'm not sure what i thought my life would look like when i turned 30- but i don't think it was quite like this. i still don't feel like a fully functioning adult. i mean, i know where my passport is and i pay my electric bill on time. But i am not close to owning a house or affording children or even being able to jet off somewhere for a weekend without planning/saving for it in advance.  i whine a lot and i have bouts of random crying when something makes me super happy or super sad (or sometimes just because....)  i don't always know if i'm being a good daughter/friend/girlfriend. i get lost in my own head lately more times than i can count. i don't even capitalize my i's for christ's sake! how will i know where i stand in the world?

what i do know is this: i have 6 months to feel more comfortable with this idea. to mentally 'prepare'. to motivate myself to start running again (did i mention that after Broad St i....gave up running?), to cook more and laugh more and save money to plan vacations. to accept that this is where i am in my life. and if i want to be somewhere else- i'm the only one who can get me there.

what i want is to feel like the best version of myself. i'm not perfect, and i'm certainly not good at everything. but i should try to do my best, so when i look back on my life i don't think "gee, what could have happened if i had tried harder, or wasn't afraid of falling on my face"?
I think my biggest flaw is that i'm sometimes afraid of looking or feeling stupid. I don't want to fail, so i try to pick very realistic things. maybe it's time to think bigger. push myself further. drag myself over this invisible aging line feeling good about myself and my choices and my future.

it's going to be an interesting 6 months.


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Important Life Realization (probably # 547, but for now we'll just say #1)

Something is happening to me. i came to a realization recently that made me stop in my tracks.

real life, dating life, relationships (in general), are not like the movies. there are no flirty picnics and frolicking in fields and rainbows and milkshakes with two straws. ryan reynolds (or, swoon, gosling), doesn't show up in my local coffee shop to strike up conversation with me over what book i'm reading.

let's be honest. i don't even really go to coffee shops that often. i don't drink coffee. i only go when i'm feeling like i want to be alone yet be around people- and read and people watch and yet not really interact with anyone. and i don't meet men while i'm doing that.

lots of people realized this a long time ago. most people, probably. i'm not most people. i held out hope, sad, lonely hope, that i would get to have some kind of romantic life changing experience- where i see stars in the shape of a 'perfect for me' guy who appears like a genie from the magic lamp in my life.

but- i don't think that happens. i'm getting to the point in my life where i need to be more....realistic. i can't settle for men who have no....ambition. or future. or plan for life. i don't need someone with a 5 year plan written down next to their bed (that might be creepy). but i realize that what i need to do is look for someone who wants basically what i want in life:

a trusting, loving, reliable relationship that involves laughter and listening and working through things when they need working through.
a future that involves marriage, hopefully a nice house.
some kids (the number is still to be determined)
a partner with a job- a good one- one that is good enough to pay a share of the bills and save money to put kids through college.
vacations- nothing too extravagant, but a weekend away here and there and maybe one big trip a year.

(i don't think that is asking for much. it would be nice, of course, if we had similar tastes in movies or music and food. not all the same, we can learn from each other- but some overlap would be nice. but i'm not going to focus on that. i'm just saying...)

i think. i think of so many things. i think of what i want my life to be like, and who i want in it. i can't expect to feel overwhelmed with emotions from teenage love songs. i want reliability. and adult things. that takes an adult. two adults, actually. i have to be one of them. i don't think i want unrealistic things. so i have to be more practical in who i choose to be with. i'm getting too old to dick around and waste time with people who have been honest about our needs and wants not meeting up. honesty is good. but its meaningless unless i hear it and use it to make good choices.

we are not what we want, or what we like. we are the choices we make. and i have to make better choices. more realistic choices. this isn't settling (which i worry about), its figuring out how to be happy in a real and tangible way.

movies are fun to watch, because they aren't real. i can be happy without the movies.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap

When i first realized that this year was a leap year- i was very excited. leap days should be full of adventure and courageous new things that maybe you've been wanting to do for a while. i didn't know what i wanted to do- but i wanted to do.....something.

that's not how it turned out.

i'm not gonna lie. i've been pretty crappy in the last week. i made this exciting/somewhat scary career/life decision. and it was followed last week by some unexpected and even more scary job news. namely, that i might not have one for as long as i thought. this is not definite, thank goodness. but it sure did scare the hell out of me.
combine this with a weird new development- i can't run long distances anymore. i mean, the longest i've ever run was 6 miles, so it's not like i'm a marathoner. but i'm having trouble getting past...2. and i signed up for the Broad St Run in early May- which is my biggest goal to accomplish before i turn 30. and i'm blocked. mentally. maybe physically. i do not know.

and it rained all day. poured. and i stayed at work super late. and instead of going on some kind of adventure, or even just running a basic errand like going to the post office to renew my passport (which i Will do this week. i will!), i ended up coming home late and laying on the couch and watching 'dude where's my car' in sweats, eating cookies. feeling totally lame.

i don't know where i am going wrong. i want things to start falling into place. not feel messy and confusing and frustrating and....never ending. and i don't know how to fix any of it. that's the worst part. i don't know where to find a new job or how to really make sure and fix my current one. i don't know how to make myself run when it just seems like my legs won't move. i don't know how to feel hopeful about what the fuck i'm doing right now. in life. i feel like i want to go to bed and wake up in 6 months with my fingers crossed.

sigh. life doesn't work like that. so. instead, i am planning to use leap day as a jumping point. no, it didn't go as planned. i didn't call out sick and go on any grand adventures involving sexy unassuming men with nerdy glasses, or exploring new places around the city, or challenging myself to run more than i did the other day. BUT- tomorrow, is March 1st. you know i like making challenges for myself with the fresh start of a month ahead. especially a month like march- which is long and drags on forever.
so- tomorrow. i leap. i push myself, to figure things out. to run more. to talk to more people about possible opportunities in getting what i want out of my career. in making things happen. and not letting myself feel defeated and like a huge loser who can't do anything right.
i probably have to define this a bit more- goals work better when they are well defined and easy to follow. So. starting tomorrow i will run 3 days a week. and i will try to meet with at least 3 people to discuss career goals/opportunities. and will apply to at least 3 jobs. i will also shut up at work and get down to business so i have a job to keep going to for as long as I want it. i am going to be exhausted. but hopefully i'll sleep well, and with confident thoughts and pleasant dreams.