When i first realized that this year was a leap year- i was very excited. leap days should be full of adventure and courageous new things that maybe you've been wanting to do for a while. i didn't know what i wanted to do- but i wanted to do.....something.
that's not how it turned out.
i'm not gonna lie. i've been pretty crappy in the last week. i made this exciting/somewhat scary career/life decision. and it was followed last week by some unexpected and even more scary job news. namely, that i might not have one for as long as i thought. this is not definite, thank goodness. but it sure did scare the hell out of me.
combine this with a weird new development- i can't run long distances anymore. i mean, the longest i've ever run was 6 miles, so it's not like i'm a marathoner. but i'm having trouble getting past...2. and i signed up for the Broad St Run in early May- which is my biggest goal to accomplish before i turn 30. and i'm blocked. mentally. maybe physically. i do not know.
and it rained all day. poured. and i stayed at work super late. and instead of going on some kind of adventure, or even just running a basic errand like going to the post office to renew my passport (which i Will do this week. i will!), i ended up coming home late and laying on the couch and watching 'dude where's my car' in sweats, eating cookies. feeling totally lame.
i don't know where i am going wrong. i want things to start falling into place. not feel messy and confusing and frustrating and....never ending. and i don't know how to fix any of it. that's the worst part. i don't know where to find a new job or how to really make sure and fix my current one. i don't know how to make myself run when it just seems like my legs won't move. i don't know how to feel hopeful about what the fuck i'm doing right now. in life. i feel like i want to go to bed and wake up in 6 months with my fingers crossed.
sigh. life doesn't work like that. so. instead, i am planning to use leap day as a jumping point. no, it didn't go as planned. i didn't call out sick and go on any grand adventures involving sexy unassuming men with nerdy glasses, or exploring new places around the city, or challenging myself to run more than i did the other day. BUT- tomorrow, is March 1st. you know i like making challenges for myself with the fresh start of a month ahead. especially a month like march- which is long and drags on forever.
so- tomorrow. i leap. i push myself, to figure things out. to run more. to talk to more people about possible opportunities in getting what i want out of my career. in making things happen. and not letting myself feel defeated and like a huge loser who can't do anything right.
i probably have to define this a bit more- goals work better when they are well defined and easy to follow. So. starting tomorrow i will run 3 days a week. and i will try to meet with at least 3 people to discuss career goals/opportunities. and will apply to at least 3 jobs. i will also shut up at work and get down to business so i have a job to keep going to for as long as I want it. i am going to be exhausted. but hopefully i'll sleep well, and with confident thoughts and pleasant dreams.
